It is Saturday, exactly one week before I leave London for a long time, I hope. Since the only thing that could keep me away from London, is if I succeed in Hollywood and work in films, or if I realize my big dream of moving in the South of France, on the Canal du Midi, isolated from my fellow human beings. Otherwise, it is back to London, the only other bearable city that exists on this planet, after perhaps Los Angeles.
However, I was truly disappointed with Paris, it is quite probable that Los Angeles will be a nightmare for me. Let’s assume I don’t succeed in films, which is quite probable, will I be happy in this conference job? No conference job ever brought me happiness, it has always been hell from the start. I don’t quite see right now how this job could be different.
Unless I was truly good at it, which I believe after one year in London in my actual job, I have reached that point. They truly feel like they cannot lose me, even though I have felt for a long time to be quite inadequate. I believe I now understand that perhaps anyone else in that position might have done a much worse job than I did. It is also a factor of being appreciated and recognized for your capacities and abilities. It took a year in my last job, this is a frightening thought.
So I have to wish that within weeks I can reach that same point with my new employers, and if they are as disorganized as a company as I was led to believe in the interview, I may actually be the expert who will save their company. I have ten years of experience on the subject, surely I have something of interest to communicate to them?
The only remaining problem is that change takes a long time. Nothing can happen overnight. Dissatisfied employees will definitely leave, even though they might have been the best. They are always the first ones to go, they know they can succeed elsewhere without having to complicate their lives with new processes which suddenly make their life a living hell, by preventing them from doing what they are good at, producing, selling.
It has been one year and a half in my last job since change has started, you could easily say that nothing has really changed yet. Another frightening thought. How long does it take for results to finally appear? Well, it took me a year to achieve my goal. Now I need to put this knowledge to good work, whatever it is that I am going to do, we need to see tangible results within six months. Who am I kidding? It cannot take less than a year.
The worst part is that I don’t even know yet what it is that I have been hired for. At the beginning I was told they were looking for a simple Conference Producer. Their website was claiming to be looking for a Conference Manager, and my immigration papers are stating that I was hired as a Management Consultant to turn around their business and open new offices worldwide. Was it just for immigration purposes, or am I to become this management figure finally controlling a few bugs that I will be at a liberty to crush whenever I feel like it?
I’m joking. My idea of management is moral and ethical, much more than everything I have observed up until now in my short career. I am mister new management, compassionate but at the same time looking for results. A mix of what a male Director or Manager could be, compared with a Female Director or Manager. Being gay, I have the best of both worlds. I am balanced. And I won’t freak out anyone, either the monsters in higher management or the bugs under me.
I could not even see myself taking out the “kill-fly” to wipe one of these bugs. Perhaps I am too much like women, I should keep perspective here, I might need to squash a few of these bugs if it becomes necessary, if I feel I am justified, if I feel there is no other solution in sight. I would hate it, but I am prepared and ready for it.
Thankfully nobody can bullshit me in this business, I have done everything for so many years, every single position, I will know if someone is playing with me and I will lose all respect. I will have to crush a few bugs, hopefully I will always act in a moral and ethical manner, and for the right reasons.
Personal clash of personalities is not good enough, no pettiness can get between me and the bugs. Like I hope management won’t act like that with the bug that I will be in their eyes. Otherwise this is when and where I will be thinking seriously about the mistake it was to move to L.A. Oh God, I hope for so much, for so much which I have never witnessed in my short life, a job that I would actually love, with people I can actually bear!
Incidentally, today I have met both my old bosses from one of my previous jobs. We met at the Pets at Home center, so they could give me the last reference letter I needed for immigration. God she was lovely, she looked great. A real American woman living some sort of great destiny, but stuck with a stubborn British husband who started a conference company in London.
He looked frozen, could not say a thing apart from that they were now planning conferences in China. But he is OK, he was a fine boss I have to say. His Director was the problem, being rude for no good reason, making our lives impossible, for the German girl and me. One bad apple was enough to make us both fly away, and probably the others who came after us, from what I have heard.
Luckily the ones who came after me were all incompetent, which is why today they appreciate me, and were kind enough to write that great reference letter for me. They’re leaving for Budapest in two days time, gosh, that reminds me the terrible trip I had there with them less than a week after I started. Still Budapest brings me great memories, even if I remember writing the darkest entry in my diary ever after the first day.
I believe I talked lengthily about suicide, I had problems with the employees. The very next day I stayed home and almost told them I was resigning. I came back the day after and we found a solution. The solution was simple, I was their boss, of the two bugs in sales who were the problem. I tell them what to do, they do not tell me what to do. It was an arrangement I could live with. And of all of us, they came out as the bad guys, they felt bad about it, and I never had any trouble with them afterwards.
That I was ready to sacrifice my career over this at the time, is probably something they never thought I would do. It caused maximum impact, they were reprimanded and probably threatened with their jobs. At the time I thought it was not very ethical for me to do this, to bring it all to such an extreme, but I have lived enough in this life that I am not going to put up with any kind of shit, especially for a job. And they quickly got back in line. Great management skills! This is exactly what I need to avoid in L.A.
When I left my two previous bosses today, I told them that we never know what the future is preparing for us. And the man said: exactly. We were on the same wavelength, he thought and I thought, that one day I will be working for them again. I would love that, I would love to open their Chinese office, or whatever else they may have in their plans. But it is over now, it is old history. I need to move on.
However her son lives in L.A., and he will be in contact with me. He is a policeman. And I was trying to convince Stephen, my partner, that L.A. had nothing to do with these cop programs he watches all the time. Everyone believes that I am going to L.A. to be shot by some immigrant, as my family back in Canada believes I am in London now just waiting to be blown up by a terrorist bomb, when this is so unlikely. Well, let’s see what the future reserves for me. Every possibility is still open, anything can happen. Let’s just not destroy any bridge behind us.
Bush will become my President, something I never ever considered before. While this madman was actually deciding for people I had nothing to do with, it was ok, whatever the power he has over this world. But now it is an entirely different story. This crazy man, religious, fanatic, openly anti-gay, who believes he answers to God, and that God speaks to him, will actually have quite a strong influence over my life. Especially that California is crowned with one of his cronies, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I sincerely hope I won’t have to become political. So far I succeeded in avoiding it, even if my last book is very much about British politics. But then again I had no choice, I worked in Parliament Square.
So far so good, my partner can come to the U.S., on the basis that we are lovers, even if he will not be allowed to work, our main obstacle. So far it does not look like the U.S. is a backward country like Egypt, when it comes to this domain. I would hate to have to confirm afterwards that I was wrong, especially that my new employer did not even flinch when I announced to her: what about my boyfriend? We’re getting there, slowly, but we’re getting there.
My actual Manager, who I called Master Bitch of Westminster in my last book, says that I am so right for L.A., it is a match made in heaven. Why? Because I am vegetarian, I am gay, I am particular about everything, I want to go on the Atkins diet as soon as I set foot there, and what else… I had already assessed L.A. as the best ever city for me, for these reasons and others, she was quite right.
I have fears that perhaps this will not turn out to be true. I fear rejection, like what I have experienced in Richmond upon Thames. A town filled with overbearing bastards who feel they have reached the top of the world because they played a small part in the cinema industry in England. Big deal, makes me want to puke all over the place. Especially that I must have already reached better heights, my work is passing on NBC, Fox Kids, Channel 4, ITV and all around the world, so fuck off!
They are so insignificant compared to what I hope to achieve, and I would never act like they do no matter the degree of success or failure I achieve. A small part of me wish to succeed so I can go back to that fucking pub called Richmond’s Arms, and tell them all to get lost!
It is more important to me than I would like to admit. They certainly played a big part in my decision to move out to L.A. to see what destiny has in store for me. I know I will never go back there and be able to gloat, however internally, psychologically, this is one more motivation I have to succeed in L.A.
And I need all the motivation possible, since there is not much else left to motivate me in succeeding in L.A. Not fame, success or money can convince me that this is worth it. Not even the feeling that I was the main part in a big film being made. I had that feeling before, I have seen on TV what I thought of, what I said, what I created. I have achieved that, so it is certainly not a strong motivation, it has changed nothing to my core being. Revenge is a nice concept. Even though I have a hard time believing what I am saying here.
What are my motivations? What is it that I wish to accomplish in L.A.? If it is not fame, success or money, what is it then? Certainly not sex. Gosh, I don’t know, and this is worrying. What are my goals? Is it just freedom? The freedom to finally do whatever I want whenever I want? Being able to work from anywhere as a writer, isolated from the rest of the planet, and still being able to move around and go anywhere as I feel?
Surely there must be other ways for me to achieve that freedom? I have been searching all my life, and I have assessed that perhaps succeeding as a writer must be my best shot at reaching freedom. Which is certainly odd, since the probabilities that I will ever succeed as a writer are so slim. I might as well wish to win a million at the lottery. However, this is all that I have left. I will live out of writing and I will earn enough to do whatever I want whenever I want. Do my job anywhere on this planet at any given time.
And then I hope to be happy. Giving me the chance to study and write more important stuff, like philosophy and theoretical physics. I guess that is my ultimate goal. My only goal. Anything could give me that chance, I only need money falling from the sky.
Why do I feel that my only way out is to succeed in Hollywood? It is a mystery to me. I must be quite desperate for any kind of solution. Must be destiny. Then I will definitely succeed. But not quite. I am way ahead of you. It is quite possible that I will never succeed in L.A. as a scriptwriter. It is quite possible that what destiny had in mind for me, was to write what you are reading now. That all my fortune will come one day from writing this long diary of mine which has now become a blog. A word I have learned to respect, even though it means that I am no better than any other blogger out there.
My life has to be more exciting and interesting than the average block, if I wish to stand any chance to be read. I would not be talking like this if I had not written already more than 20 books, you can rest assured. I stand some chance to be remembered, at least in Québec, where I come from. Though they are barely aware of my last two published books, since distribution has mainly been in France, Belgium, Switzerland, Africa and Middle East, don’t ask me why.
I feel my destiny so far has been distinctly different from any of my colleague writers. And I feel I am about to experience the ultimate life in Hollywood. With that experience I can finally die, I would have done enough. Or live for a long time from the money this unique experience might bring me.
So my success in L.A. is not that important from a destiny point of view, it could all be about my diary, my books, and nothing to do with my success in films. And I am quite prepared to accept that, no problem.
As long as I live through enough bullshit to write about it, either in French or in English, nothing else is important. It can all come from the famous conference world as far as I am concerned, whether it is in China, Denver, London or Toronto.
Oh dear, I have now mentioned the word Toronto. I’ll be back. I just vomited a large bucket worth of whatever was in my insides. If I ever end up in Toronto, please shoot me. I would not survive it anyway. Don’t mention Canada to me, it is the last place I will ever want to live. I feel most of the people working in Hollywood feel the same, even though so many productions are now moved to Canada in order to save money. Not me, not the writers, they usually never leave L.A. Or do they?
The fact is, I have no idea where I will end up doing in my life. Is there a reason for me being shipped to L.A. right now in my life? Anyone with any bit of intelligence would put 2 and 2 together and assume that he or she must follow some sort of destiny. For two years I did not work in conferences, I worked at writing film scripts and synopses. I built a very promising website containing all these ideas and scripts, and then my lack of money made me go back into conferences for a year. And then, this experience got me the dream job in L.A., of all places. If this is not destiny, what is?
I have not work at all on my scripts in the last year, not even one line. My websites were not updated at all, even if I wrote two books in that year. Let’s see, what can one surmise from this? Well, assuming that none of the two books I have written will ever go anywhere, which is what is most probable since I won’t bother sending them to publishers from a lack of time and money, and they are not in the field or language of what my actual publishers publish, then there must be a more logical reason to all this.
Working in conferences is a mean for me to achieve some sort of ultimate goal, which must be accomplished in Los Angeles since this is where I am being shipped. And since I dedicated two years of my life at bankrupting myself whilst writing film scripts and building that website, it must necessarily be related.
How could I not now believe in destiny? In some sort of higher power, be it God or deterministic laws of nature, leading me somewhere? Could it not be related to the film industry? Could it be something entirely different? Am I to believe that I am sent to L.A. to write about how I wish to succeed and then fail spectacularly, just to write about it and discourage a whole generation of people to not abandon everything, sacrificing their life in the process, in order to avoid the only town in this world which could make their dreams come true, but would ultimately destroy them completely to the point where only suicide remains? Better that than going back home, wherever home is.
No, I feel I am destined to something much larger, with a much higher purpose. And I am reading right now what it is that would qualify as what it is that I wish to achieve with my life. It is called Rama. Four books written by Arthur C. Clarke and Gentry Lee (but keep the first one for the end, since it is the least interesting books of the four). If I can write something like that before I die, then I feel all will be ok. However, if I do not feel I can reach out like Arthur C. Clarke can, then it will be a failure.
I do not write for a few thousand people, not even a million. I want to write for the masses. I want to have a deep impact. I want to change the ways of a whole nation, of a whole country, how they think. I have no small ambition, otherwise I am ready to die right here right now. It does not matter whether I live or die.
However, in the 20 books or so I have written until now, I do not feel I have reached my goals. I have not yet written my Rama series. And would it be sufficient anyway? Rama is not considered like the best work of Arthur C. Clarke, we barely hear about it. But God, there could not be a better series in science fiction to help you understand what this world is all about. What we, as human beings, are actually doing which will definitely lead to our ultimate destruction. Reading that series, I am ashamed of being a human being, I really am. I feel powerless to change this world. Do I have to do something to change it for the better, changing people’s mind, activating something in their brain? What a goal.
Perhaps I should be killed now, before I have to think too much about how I will ever achieve that impossible task. I wouldn’t mind, death has always been welcomed in my lair. Ultimate freedom, liberty, even if it is just about turning the machine off. I would love it more than you will ever understand.
What possesses me to continue and have these weird passions about achieving something grand and universal, is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps we all have a role to play in this existence, in the destiny of human kind. And even though it is not simple, we still have to play the game. And I will play it, to a certain extent, but it better happen soon or else I will lose patience.
I am tired, I am fed up, I better get myself somewhere quickly, I better see that big scheme in action, which I suspect, or else I will lose faith, abandon everything and never look back. Or can I? Perhaps not. Must be in my genes, in my nature.
There is no escape, and that is what this higher power or these laws of nature know, that I don’t. I don’t even have the freedom to kill myself or retire somewhere alone in a forest. I just can’t. I am moving to L.A., living my destiny all planned out for me. It better be good, motivating and rewarding. At the very least. Can I even hope it will bring me happiness, or is it too much to ask?
All that I have said in the last paragraph assumed that I believe in some sort of higher power or some sort of deterministic laws of physics. It would not be completely true to say that these are my beliefs. I do think I had a strong part to play in everything that is happening to me right now. I wished for it and then it happened. No mater if somehow it happened completely out of my conscious control.
I did not apply for a job in L.A., I got one. It is possible that unconsciously I made this happen. Like if somehow I thought this was necessary to my development, like if I had some sort of power over my destiny. Like if, for example, in this reality there was only me and no one else, like if I dreamt up everyone else and they only existed for me, from my own point of view, my own frame of reference. (And I wrote about that and it was published way before The Matrix came out, so stop thinking what you’re thinking. This goes for anything I might say in the future which goes along the path of The Matrix. These ideas are not new.)
In that case I would have certainly planned for myself a few interesting experiences in L.A., especially in the film industry, enough at least to learn something from it and spit it back in my books.
Sometimes I think that I think too much about the significance of everything in one’s life. At this time I feel justified, because it is too weird, too impossible. I have beaten the odds, it must be significant, it must mean something. It could lead to an understanding of what the mechanisms of existence are all about. Is there a structure regulating what one must live?
Nothing has ever been enough for me, I always needed more, it is beyond comprehension. If I don’t succeed at anything, changing irrevocably what we are as a race, then my life is just not worth it. It makes no sense, I don’t understand where this comes from. Could it come from the fact that I feel everything is wrong in this world? That everything could be much better and that somehow I can contribute to this massive shift in thinking and behavior? Can I?
Through fantasy perhaps, science fiction, like Arthur C. Clarke? How could we measure the impact of that one man on human’s destiny? Quite high, he has inspired Nasa and everyone working there. He has inspired every single sci-fi movie I have seen so far. He has changed lives, he has given us some sort of background information for us to act and react. It is possible to have a large impact via fiction, via science fiction. He is a big influence on this world. If everyone were to read his books, they would think completely differently and think twice before going to war and changing this world irremediably.
So I could at least reach that level, it is within my powers to change something on a massive scale, even via fiction. I have an empire to build then, as big as the one of Arthur C. Clarke. And I feel I have the right disposition mentally and philosophically to lead us all to a better and happier place.
That is also quite important, since I am no stranger to wild ideas like perhaps the destruction or annihilation of the whole human race is the best solution, before we destroy the whole universe by inadvertence. Got to get back on earth, think in simpler terms. How can I best achieve my goals? Got to forget all my extreme ideas, got to think some more. I have a mission, I have to accomplish it somehow. No small mission.
It is sad that it is only in a few decades that I will be able to assess if I have succeeded in my mission. I might even be dead by the time I have any impact. And it does not matter, as long as I stop talking and start acting. And L.A., the strongest sphere of influence on this planet, might just be the platform I need. A mean to reach the masses, through fiction. Most of my books in French are not fictional. Most of my fictional work has been written in English, when I was writing film scripts and synopses for possible films.
So there I am, fiction, science fiction, is to be my life, to make the world understand that we need to find peace and happiness somehow, whatever the costs. No small destiny, I’m certainly pretentious enough to succeed. How could you anyway achieve great things if you did not even believe you could achieve them in the first place? This is why I am going to L.A.
Who am I kidding? I must be drunk again. Do I believe any of that stuff? It would be nice if it was true, in any way. Or perhaps I am just building myself a great destiny where I am somehow a prince and another prince will save me from my misery. Could be true, and it might never happen, however the coincidence is too impressive to ignore. I am going to L.A., and anything can happen.
