I screwed up big time at work with my last report, my days are numbered

I worked like crazy all weekend on my report and research about this conference I am working on. I was motivated by the impression I have that my bosses are not very impressed with anything I have done so far in my three weeks in L.A. I never thought I would say such a thing, but sometimes any kind of encouragement would go a long way to make me feel better. I am in a constant state of flux, thinking they will turn around any minute to tell me that I need to go back to England because I am inadequate.

I felt great last night once I sent my research and report, I thought I would go to work the next day happy for once, with my head high. I knew I would not come back as some sort of miracle worker, but at least I might have shaken this bad taste they have so far of my performance.

However I entered the office as a ghost, and when my boss called me in his office an hour later, he sounded as if he was very disappointed with me and almost ready to tell me that I needed to get into gear and get him some results about all this.

I understood then that he never actually opened his emails this morning and did not know I worked hard all weekend. No wonder why I felt like a ghost for the first hour. And the main problem is that even after he reads all that, I will still feel like a ghost, because it will not have made him happy or he won't show any kind of reaction or emotion. So I will never know if he truly appreciates my work or not, and in doubt, of course I will feel like I am totally incompetent.

I really feel bad, I feel embarrassed to look at any of my bosses and my director. I have no idea what they think of me, and despite all my efforts, I don't seem to be getting myself anywhere. Is it going to be another one of these jobs where you work like crazy seven days a week while still being incapable to satisfy anyone, whilst feeling under-appreciated and suicidal? I had the perfect job once where I was considered a miracle worker and fully appreciated. I guess it could not last.

They are discussing something in their office right now, I have no idea what it is about, but I'm paranoid enough to think that it is about me. I have three days to survive this week, and then four days off. Let's try to survive this, and then we will reassess the situation after Thanksgiving.

I just spoke with the Mexican girl in the kitchen. She works in telemarketing but hates it, and says so openly. She even said she did not like the term telemarketing, I suggested telesales then, she almost puked.

She was happy today, I asked her why. She was happy that God gave her the chance to have this job, that he somehow motivated her to do it so she could have the money to pay her bills. Gosh, we sure come from a different planet.

She needs that job to survive and is content to even earn any money. I'm more sort of fed up and cannot appreciate what I have. I could not stay in a job where I knew I was not adequate, they would sack me anyway. She is obviously very bad at her job and has not confirmed one single delegate in three weeks. I'm surprised that she is still here to be honest. Not sure if she will be thanking God soon. Still, I have learnt quite a lesson talking to her this morning, even though I am not quite sure what it is, and I am not sure if I wish to know.

There is also here a Black guy that the bosses appear to hold in high esteem. I'm pretty sure it is well deserved and that he is very competent. He has been with them a long time and will have his own office once we get the larger offices next month.

His job is to watch over us, to make sure we don't steal any files, whatever, things like that. He also works on the website and other IT stuff. I would not be surprised if he was reading what I am writing now, and reporting it back to my bosses. I understand they need to take precautions, they after all had someone in the past stealing their database and starting his own company.

They don't need to be worried about me, I don't intend to steal anything from their organization, no files or database whatsoever. I would not know what to do with it and I have enough files from all my previous jobs to last me a lifetime. I don't even have the time to go through them. I have databases from previous jobs, but I never gave them to anyone and of course I would/could never use them. So what is the point?

If ever I start my own conference company, it will have to be about subjects for which I have a passion, so I will be motivated to get up in the morning to work: literature, theoretical physics, science fiction, space science and paranormal stuff.

I'm pretty sure conferences are where people meet to go on to accomplish great things. I believe that this company in L.A. had a great impact on so many start up companies in the U.S., this is something to be proud of (even if it was achieved in the name of profit). So conferences might help get things moving in the world, I just wished I could convince myself of that.

That's it, I'm fried. I did not have my meeting yet with my boss, but a new file has appeared on the network with two dozen more events, which I have missed in my hurried research, since last week he was insisting that I finish this on the same afternoon that he asked me. I would expect now to be told that my research was not very good, and that perhaps I was wasting my time.

The truth is that if two persons had done the same research independently and in parallel, they would both have come up with a different list of events. So hopefully they won't draw big conclusions out of this, or put me on the spot about these events I appear to have missed. Of course it does not make me feel any better. It is going to be a long three days!

It was horrible! The meeting went like this: thank you for your preliminary report that was indeed preliminary, it is all wrong since we found many similar events in the U.S. Well, perhaps he should not have asked me an instant report last week then! I have been able to elongate the timeline to Monday, so I would have the weekend to bullshit my way through.

Unfortunately they don’t trust me (thankfully for them), so his wife did the same research in parallel. And now they both know I am incompetent. Though I can justify myself quite easily, ask anyone to write a report instantly without knowing anything about the subject, and ask him this report without any proper research, and this is what you get.

And the events she found, I found them all myself. I just did not include them from a lack of time, or they were in Europe or Africa, or they were workshops or training courses. I was told by the director to not include any of these in my last research. I did not even have the courage to tell him that. I took the shovel on my head like a good boy, I did not say anything, I was thinking of my survival. Surviving my three days before thanksgiving, that’s it.

Anyway, most of the conferences she found were completely off topic. That made me feel better, but I am apparently the only one who realizes that, because I am the only one who read them all.

Still, how could have I been so wrong? In just about all my conclusions? Is it possible that all the bullshit I have written, all those reports, are also completely wrong and based solely on what I think instead of on facts? God this is worrying. I screwed up like I never did before in my entire career in conferences.

If they had doubts about me before, now they have the full confirmation. I was the wrong guy, and it is more difficult to get rid of me now since I came all the way from London at their expense.

Perhaps I should make it easy for them. If I screw up again, I will tell them that I’m going back. In the meantime, I will retain my check for the apartment until the very last day of the month, which is, unfortunately, next week. I have until then to make a complete fool of myself again, the sooner the better.

I would leave without regrets. This whole enterprise has been paved with mistakes from the start. I just simply cannot keep up with what they are asking. I need time, and time is not in abundance. I will again screw up. And I feel I have already past the point of no return.

Oh well, my month in L.A. has been very nice, now it’s time to seriously consider going home. And I won’t hesitate one second. If I lose one month on my lodging to break the contract, I will just have to lose it. And perhaps remain another month here writing full time, instead of working night and days in conferences.

And I swear, I will endeavor to never have another boss again. No more social hierarchy, I’m just not cut up for this. I will somehow have to find a way to be my own boss. Another impossible idea.