Dreaming or York and England. When will I be famous?

I was so tired tonight, I went to bed as soon as I arrived from work. I woke up at 1 in the morning, and now I don’t know what to do. Tomorrow is my last day before the New Year, but considering that it means only three days off, it is not exactly the most exciting thing ever. I’m not sure what I will do, however I am determined to do something at least on one of the days.

My baby went to Yorkshire this week, and it was snowing heavily apparently. He brought with him our baby cat, Mr. Weber, even though it is a female. She is called like that in memory of my old boss when I was working in WHSmith at Heathrow Airport 10 years ago. This is where I met Stephen.

This is where I started in London, at the very bottom, when I could not even understand what the customers wanted. You could say I went on to become successful in my jobs, in less than 10 years I quadrupled my salary. However it was directly proportional to my unhappiness and lack of freedom.

I cherish these old days when I did not have to worry about anything, and could barely survive. Strange enough, I am still at the same point financially, I can barely survive. So money does not change anything.

England did, and I learned to appreciate it even more as the time passed. It is hard to conceptualize when you are living there for many years. It is when you leave the U.K. that you can fully understand what you left behind and how wonderful a place it is.

These little villages by the sea side, filled with little cottages with roofs made of straw, and a few shops somewhere in the middle, with all the country side all around of a beauty to help poets no end, this is all true. It does exist. And it becomes normal to you until you move back to America.

Yorkshire for me, it is York, the most beautiful larger town in the world, I would venture to say. And it does look a lot like Québec City with their medieval type of walls all around, and ruins here in there.

I have met a very nice shop owner there, of a bookstore called the Worm Hole, and it was magical. It inspired me a film script, and gosh I would die to film that there. It is also one of the most haunted town in England, ghosts there are just normal. You see them and hear them everyday, and they do exploit it with all those tours. They have an infinite amount of stories to tell about it.

And the most interesting one is at the heart of my film. A story about a little girl who lost the keys to the city, of the main door of the town. Her dad lost his job as the main guardian, and now her ghost goes around searching for those keys that she will never find.

When you add to this that this is the town that gave its name to New York, and just about all the York towns there are around the world, you get a sense of the power and energy that could emanate from this small place in the north of England.

Today I was outside at work, looking at the huge mountain in the background, and the palm trees all over in front of it. I was going through some sort of dilemma, would I like to be going to York right now, have the chance to go at any time like I did one day after a fight with Stephen?

I just got into my Renault 5 and left for York. Stayed in a haunted hotel for the night, filmed interesting stuff, and then came back home the next day after visiting the old castle, the haunted places like the main gate and the museum. Came back with the loveliest story for a film. Perfect weekend.

Would I like to go there again? Or do I prefer now, after ten years, to experience something new, something equally huge psychologically, like Los Angeles? Was it not time for a change, to get to know America better, to learn to appreciate Los Angeles?

The real question I asked myself today, is that I would miss Los Angeles terribly. I just cannot see it right now. I have to give it a chance, and a good one. I would need to live here for years, get to know all there is to know, visit all the places around. And first, reach that mountain as soon as I have a car. I need to explore.

We don’t live very long, not sure how many more decades I have in front of me, and if I will be able to still make huge life decisions like going back to England if I stay here too long. I fear I might lose it, even though it would always be there I would imagine.

I cannot limit myself to one place, I still have to experience adventure, leave just like I did, get to know new people and new places. Live in my memories for the rest, for my nostalgia.

I don’t miss Paris, I don’t miss the South of France that I truly enjoyed, I can go back on holiday and that is acceptable. I truly miss England, as if I belong there. At work they talk to me as if I was British, I translate to them their weird British expressions, I understand that language, they don’t.

I feel more British than French-Canadian. And anyway, who’s interested in a French-Canadian in Los Angeles? No one. The odd province who is just as Americanized as the rest, except that they speak French and could give you a sense of France in America. I’m sure it has its appeal, but not to me, and not to the people I have met so far.

I am more British than French-Canadian, even with my thick French accent which would not fool anyone. When I leave Los Angeles one day, I’m going back to England, it is my home.

I would hope to be in L.A. for a few years, get to know it, get to love it, as equally as I love England. And I wonder if it is possible, and that is what I was wondering about today.

I have to give it a chance. Especially if one day I work full time in films, I will then have to be here a lot, it is a place I will be connected to one way or another. And this is what I am building here, the relationships that will connect me to Hollywood for years to come. There is nothing like being in the place and meeting the people, a website or an e-mail from a stranger on the other side of the planet just won’t do.

Most successful British now live in Los Angeles or New York. A lot of successful Americans now live in London, or at least have a second or third house there. There is a special connection between Los Angeles and London, they are always the two main town you would mention with New York, when you wish to convey some sense of what this world we live in is all about.

And just as French-Canadian are popular in France at the moment, British also earned a soft spot in all American souls. I’m afraid to admit that it is because of those terrorists, and how America and the United Kingdom confronted the rest of the world to clean up some countries, where unfortunately the U.N. failed miserably and shows no signs of ever being able to sort out this world.

A major reform of the U.N. would be necessary first, and a change of mandate. It should be stronger at the very least and its measures more far reaching. And then, the U.N. could become another danger to our civilization, so you can never have it both ways.

I am more philosophical tonight that I thought I would be. It is the end of the year after all. Time to reflect on the past year, to assess where I am, where the world is, and what is to come and if it is worth continuing on the same path.

I lack too much data to even think about assessing my own situation, let alone the one of the world. The truth is, I don’t know what is going to happen next in my life, and I don’t know where this world of ours is going.

I’d like to think that it is not annihilation as my friend in L.A. likes to repeat, I’m not such an extremist in my thoughts. There is hope for this world, even annihilation would leave a few survivors and that would be enough, and perhaps better, even if my lovely England would have disappeared in the process.

So there must be some sort of future for me too, even if I cannot imagine any of it. At least it is not at the past that I am looking, I have assumed my decisions, I have accepted my new life, and now I am sitting here hoping for the best, for the future.

This is exactly where America and England should be now. We have done things we may regret, we can debate it for years to come, ultimately it is to the future that we need to look now.

What is that big destiny we are living? Where is it that we are going? What is the future has in store for us? Will we be happier or more miserable? Will we be hit again by terrorists or Corporate America, can we make anyone happy by our actions, or can only alienate everyone crossing our path?

Will York still stand at the end of this war? York is very close to Scotland, it has been conquered and destroyed many times by the Scottish. Despite it all, it still stands proudly, full of its history and ruins. It is a great example to us all, that today it lives in peace and another war with Scotland is almost unthinkable.

Almost, since we never know what to expect of the future. Nothing is carved in stone, especially our rights and liberties which have been rewritten recently. And these new terror laws are about to become permanent. And I have heard no one scream about this. I tried to scream, of course, I was not heard. We will just have to live with it, I guess.

America as we knew it no longer exists, until at least we get a new President, and then, with all this playing with the voters’ ballots, I’m not sure if we can. Democracy has also gone out the window. Something else we will need to learn to live with.

We might as well have an actor from Austria as Governor, at least it makes politics more interesting, as it is so boooring, it could send anyone to sleep instantly.

At the moment I am more worried about the fact that it is 3 am, that I am on my third beer, and that I still have one day to go before the long weekend. I’m just hoping to be able to survive it without another call in the office to let me know how incompetent I am in my new job.

I was again given two projects to do at the same time, and of course, not enough time to do any of them. So I have done one, and I tell you, I had to be highly creative to get results in less then four hours, when I was given half an hour, and it would have taken me three days normally.

And tomorrow somehow I need to accomplish another miracle. I need to get in contact with the Governor of Alaska, no less, one day before the New Year. I wish to discuss gas pipelines please, dear me. I might just as well try to contact an alien species somewhere in the Delta quadrant, and ask them about weird rock formations on some lost planet. I could do that easy in a script.

In the sixty channels I have between my TV and my DVD Recorder, somehow my TV got stuck on the channel C-Span2 for the last few days. No wonder my brain is no longer working properly. Yesterday a woman told the whole of America that she was particularly interested in how we could kick out a senator from the senate. I regret now not having listened to the answer, I gather it is probably near impossible to do so. Whatever.

They have a senate in this country? Is more likely the question I would be asking if I were to call C-Span2. No, I haven’t learned how the political American system works, well I did, but I had the time to forget in time you see.

America is not the center of the world you know, we don’t know all there is to know about it. And sometimes, against our will, we get to know more about it than most Americans who just appear to love to bury their head under the sand, like an Ostrich would do.

Ignorance is a privilege these days, and the more ignorant I can remain, the better I feel. Filling my head with all that crap, brings me to the brink of insanity. Because so many people are just insane in America. Nowhere else in the world would you find so many people stating things that defy logic and reason, and find many supporters to state the same thing.

Maybe this kind of madness happens when your country has 300 million people, you will always find a few to support any crazy idea, and a few rich ones willing to spend millions and stake their life on it. I guess I am more idealistic than I would like to admit.

Should I get more local then? We have a powerful mayor in the Valley, who from what I have read so far, seems to approach despotism. He is definitely on some sort of power trip that went to his head, even though all I have read so far is on the front page of the newspaper of the valley.

I read it when I eat my toasted egg sandwich in the morning. I don’t know, maybe he is cleaning up the corruption around here, though this is not the impression I got.

The impression I got was that he has the newspaper on his side and if he farts, they report it on the first page the next day. Now, that cannot be healthy, surely… to control the media like that. I would imagine he does most of his politics in the newspaper office. That says it all. One step closer to propaganda.

I did not want to become political, especially that I am so ignorant about it (thank god!). So let’s talk about something else. Music. On my SD card right now I have some Depeche Mode, Gorillaz, Charlatans UK, Golfrapp, Sinead O’Connor (no wonder I feel all screwed up) and some Suzanne Vega.

I’m afraid, once it is on my SD card in my phone, that is all I listen to for weeks and months. Because it takes me forever to decide to change the MP3s on my player. Suzanne Vega is the only artist I have seen in concert more than once, apart from Depeche Mode. I saw her in London in Shepherds Bush, and once in my region in the North of Québec years ago.

It is so special when someone so big comes to such a remote place as my region in the North of Canada. I loved every second of it, I felt in love right there with her. She is also a proof that somehow both my region and London are connected, as she must be the only person in this world who like me went to both these places in her lifetime.

I have to try hard to remember anything that happened to me whilst I was living in the North of Québec, it is like another lifetime to me, a past life. I can barely remember anything after Ottawa, Paris, Brussels, Toronto, New York, London and now Los Angeles.

It is like I would love to forget where I come from, as if it had never existed. However this is difficult, since all my family still live there. I am being brought back there all the time, even if I did not show up once in the last 5 years, and on my last visit, it had been five years since I put my foot there.

I hate it. I hate Québec, Canada, everything about it. Sure, better be from there than Africa or some weird Eastern European country, but this is not how I imagined I would live this life.

Would it not be better to say that I was born in the desert of Nevada? Or somewhere in Texas where they are building their huge Trans-Texas Corridor superhighway? Should I not have been born in the Los Angeles Valley? Or in York, England? Even the Canal du Midi in France or Paris would have done the trick. Then I would have been a nobody, who might have succeeded at some point, with nothing else to say about it.

Being a French-Canadian, you cannot exist outside of Québec. You can have some success in France, be recognized for it in Québec, pass on TV, and then that’s it. I don’t want that, I don’t want to be limited to one lost province of a lost country.

I want to be from everywhere, I want to live everywhere, I want to speak for the whole world, I want to be universal. It is just as well that so far I had more success everywhere else in the world than in Québec, who still don’t know who I am. I could not bare it anyway, I hate small minded people. And they certainly are.

I was born with the idea that I could never achieve anything in life. That I would be lucky to even get heard in Montreal. And such a great achievement would be necessary in order to do so, that it was more in the realm of the dreams than reality to reach that stage.

I am glad I skipped that step altogether and was recognized in France before anything remotely related to Québec. I am even glad that I connected to Hollywood and worked for the NBC before, and in England for Channel 4 (and the PBS).

I am from my time. I could have been born in the Nevada desert as far as anyone is concerned. I don’t have any background in Québec, I just don’t exist there. And if my family was living somewhere else, I would not talk about it, I would not go there anymore.

And yet, after all is done, it is probably the only place on the planet where they will not forget me, my books, my life. Because I belong there, I belong to them. There is no denying it. At least they are proud of their peers succeeding outside of the province, the country. It makes them dream that they could too reach out like this.

If ever all I have written in my life will help me survive, as some sort of pension, it will be because all the students in Québec will have to buy my books every year to read them and analyze them. I cannot say I don’t like this idea. It would be consecration. As I’m sure, this would never happened in France in my case. But then, what do I know about my future life as an author? Nothing, I cannot conceptualize it. Good, there is no limit then.

And that is the problem. Limits. Hard for someone to create anything, and for it to go beyond the borders of where he was born. Why is this so? I was born with the idea that I could never reach out to the world, that no one would ever read me outside of my province.

So little authors made it to France from Québec, it was not possible to think I could do it. But I did! Without even being recognized in Québec. And I love it. This is how small minded you become when you are born in a small and insignificant place which means nothing to anyone else on this planet.

I’m afraid to admit, once again, it does mean something to me. I’m dying to be recognized in Québec. They are 8 million of them after all, almost as big as Belgium. I have skip a step, and like many other authors before, I was recognized first in France, and then usually they get recognized even more so in Québec.

It has not happened yet, but I know it will one day. It should, though it might never happened. Maybe I am the odd one, who will never be recognized in his own land. And just about every article about me so far in my home land has been about that, that no one is a prophet in his own country, or something like that anyway.

They do know me though, a lot have heard of me. I am known there, I know that. But it is not enough. Again, I am ambitious, I need to conquer places, I need to be heard without any doubt. I want to become the most important author that ever lived in Québec. That is secretly what I want, and now openly, since I am drunk enough to say so in my blog. Then again, this is in English, none of them will read this, so I feel safe talking like this here.

And the thing is, I have written enough already that I could become that now, or in time, without writing another word. It is great when at 33 you feel like you have done everything, written anything that you feel needed to be written. That whatever else you might do would be just a waste of time and unnecessary.

You can also decide that all that was a waste of time and that everything great and wonderful, your best work, is still ahead of you. It gives you a second chance at life, the hope to get somewhere, a drive to start that great destiny. And I chose that view. That everything great was ahead of me, not in the past.

So I have a lot of work to do. I don’t even know where to start. I need to break up with my past, with everything I have done so far. It is not a continuation, it is starting from nothing. I am in Los Angeles now, in a different medium, everything is to be built. Better get started soon, even if my motivation is at zero right now.

Meeting the right people might change all that. Let’s keep the hope, let’s keep dreaming, let’s see what will happen next. Let’s just go over the end of this year, and start anew.

2006 should be my most promising year ever, and sure enough, every year in the last ten years has been better than the previous one. And I am at the right place, at the right time, to make that new year my best ever.

I will get somewhere.

A sign of genius lurking ahead…

I was not expecting both my bosses to be at work today. I would have thought, after such a fright, that it was to make sure we would work while they were not there between Christmas and the New Year. They are dedicated, I’ll give them that.

I had a miserable Christmas because of our conversation just before Christmas. When I walked out of the apartment, finally, to see if I could buy a TV and a DVD recorder on Boxing Day, I could barely breath because of the stress. I was worried because I still had not done any research by then.

I bought a TV and a DVD Recorder with a hard drive, and I felt so guilty for spending $500, I almost brought them back to Circuit City. I saved $100 altogether, that’s why I bought them. I now realize that I probably paid the normal price. Well, I bought an opened box Panasonic DVD recorder, so right there I saved $80, and so far it works fine. I don’t regret buying it now, not sure if it will work in the UK when I go back, but it is leaving with me.

Unfortunately, the damn machine, which states that it can play every sort of DVD, cannot play any of the thousand I brought with me from the UK. I’m not happy about that, I will have to buy another DVD player somehow at some point.

At the moment I can still watch them on my computers, so it is not so bad. I did not think though that I would still be watching my computer instead of the TV and DVD after spending so much money… not sure when I will get around to using them, since I have no time to myself.

So, last night at 9 pm I finally decided to get on with the research for my conference. I worked 4 hours on it. And I thought, dear me, my boss will again bite my head off. However he waited until 5 pm today, the time I was supposed to leave, to ask me what was happening with my research. Typical, so I left 30 minutes later than I was supposed to, and I certainly would have left on time, as I can’t stand the office at the moment.

When he asked me a feedback, I said quite rudely: give me a minute. I regret now, but it had the advantage to set the tone of the meeting. He was nice, I think he gathered that I was about to explode at anything he might have said. Because I sincerely think he exaggerated. And the first thing I told him was that I worked all over the Christmas period. And sure enough, in my day of work and 4 hours yesterday, I was able to bring him something quite tangible.

He is convinced I worked hard all weekend. Thank god! I have been lucky, I tell you. It is almost a miracle. The thing is, he never actually saw everything I had already done, he just assumed I had not done anything. So it looked quite impressive today, when I gave him my usual pile of sheets, 1000 at least.

And now he tells me we will not be doing this conference. Someone told him that it would be a flop. Great! I can stop doing that damn research. And get back to the previous project, or the one before, or the new one he already told me everything about today in his office.

Something about semi-conductors, and billions of dollars of investment needed from capital investors, and private equity. He still explains all that bollocks to me as if I did not understand anything. I did my research, I know a lot about it now, I understand what he is talking about. Gosh, I even know what Shale Gas is, I learned that today, so I would not look like a fool ever again before him.

So there is hope for me. With a minimum of effort, I managed to convince him that I worked hard, and he thanked me for it. So now he thinks he did not waste a thousand dollars on me last week.

But I am train wrecked now, and I feel very bad. A truck passed on the street, the whole building was shaking, and that was it, I was frozen on my seat, completely freaked out. I don’t know exactly what it is that I was expecting, something terrible I supposed. And that would have been nice at any rate.

And my valley girl, lucky her, got a temp today who was supposed to come back the next two days, but she assessed that he did not know Excel and was not very good, so she called the agency and told them to send another one tomorrow.

When she told him at the end of the day, he was so gutted, he exploded in the office, unfortunately in front of my boss’ wife. He said he knew Excel and that he was not happy. I was again frozen on my seat, panicked at any sort of crisis going on around me. God, they turned me into such a wimp.

If that had happened to me, if I had freaked out a temp like she did, tonight I would be drinking beers to forget all about it, because it would have shaken me a lot. For her, as she stated many times afterwards, it was just another day in the office.

I know tonight she will be freaking out about it, I know her, she’s like me. She just hides it very well. Something I haven’t learnt to do just yet, and not sure if I will ever learn.

Oh well, just another day in the office, I guess.

I’m very pleased with my cheap TV, a Polaroid actually. I did not even know Polaroid decided to make TVs at some point. The image is certainly terrible, TVs here have twice less pixels than in Europe. Even my portable VAIO computer has got a better definition than that. I can’t believe that Americans and Canadians have put up with such a bad standard for so long.

They have just discovered HDTV, supposed to finally correct that. The only problem is that the high definition TV must cost a fortune, and only a few channels are HDTV, which I think I don’t get here.

Whatever. Morrissey still looks good on my Polaroid bad definition TV, go figure, that DVD works on my DVD recorder. The first one in 10 that I have tried. Perhaps because originally that DVD was an import from the US, I don’t know.

I feel guilty again, I should be working on my conference. I am already too drunk, and I don’t care anymore. I feel like writing. But of course, I feel like writing something inspired, not that blog.

However I would have needed to start a new book in order to write something inspired tonight. Perhaps I should start writing a new fictional book tonight.

Oh dear, now the big questions. What book? Which style? What about? In French or in English? That is not a bad idea, perhaps I should start writing a new book tonight. You know, this is how it always starts. One night you are inspired, and that’s it, you write a few pages, and you continue day after day. I really should. What about then? What style? Which language? Can I answer these questions and start it?

It would have to be completely wild. Out of this world. Something new that has never been done before. And I am very good at doing just that, and all those books are not the ones published right now. But who cares?

I should only write for myself, especially from now on. Inspired literature cannot be ordered, it does not work like that. It comes from the heart, from deep down, on a subconscious level. And listening to The Smiths tonight certainly helps a great deal. I might just start a new book tonight.

If my life was empty, and if I was still living in Québec City, I might dream up a story about a kid moving from Québec to Los Angeles, and imagine a great destiny. However, I am already living that dream, and that dream is a nightmare.

I will have to think something much better, much higher. Esoteric then, mystic. Out of this world. Cos there’s nothing real or worth it outside of L.A. anyway. So, what can be better?

I just opened my seventh beer, I’m ready to listen to Duran Duran now, The Chauffeur. I better start writing before I lose all inspiration and fall asleep.

Not another one of those complicated books that no one understands? I hear my fans say. True, none of my fans appear to have appreciated my most obscure books. I guess I never met the right fans. The right ones would probably never contact me in the first place, I guess. They just get inspired and create on their own, in their corner.

And I know I have inspired great people, the greatest in the French world, both in literature and films. I have all the proof I need and I can prove it. They don’t hide their inspiration very well. Perhaps they never intended to. They ignore my messages all the same, probably from fears of being sued, stupid of them… I feel so honored, I would never sue in a million years.

It’s not that I feel like being pretentious tonight, not here, not now. Here I am honest with myself. I did inspire great people, and it makes me feel good inside, you know. That I could have reached out so much, even underground, on an individual basis.

It is one good thing, for having sacrificed everything for my literature, that everyone around me thought was the biggest waste of time ever. I even agree with them, I just could not help it. I have to write, not for a living, but to survive. To also understand myself, but mostly to survive.

It is my most basic need, to write. I can go without eating or drinking for days, as long as I can write. I can be in prison and suffer the worst fate, as long as I can write, I will be all right.

And this statement alone, does not make any sense, I know. And perhaps alcohol and cigarettes would be a plus, and music, in my venture. But I can do without.

If I was given carte blanche to do my own indie films, my god, it would be weird. It would be incomprehensible. But I think it would be art. And we all know that art can only exist as long as it is independent. And that’s ok, I’ll be independent soon enough, as soon as I succeed in the mainstream. If ever I succeed in the mainstream, that’s the problem.

I am already very much underground, I’m afraid to say, to admit. I’m like The Smiths and Depeche Mode, and yet, they do reach out and have the most loyal fans ever, who makes it all worthwhile. I may have reached that point myself, with my pseudo-fans. I’m just not sure. And I just don’t care to be honest.

Fans are not on my mind when I write. How quickly we forget that they do exist and have needs and demands. I’m ignoring them completely. Otherwise, I could not do anything, or I would write something completely against my nature.

You are supposed to write what you can, what you are supposed to write. You cannot let yourself being dictated by a fan, a publisher or a producer. You do what you feel is right, and that’s it. Never mind if it means the end of your career or those relationships.

That is how I can only see my art. And I tell you, I never referred to it as art until tonight. I see it more as my own existential crisis, my answer to life and this universe we cannot understand. Philosophy perhaps, something beyond all that crap, anyway.

I don’t mind sacrificing everything, even my existence. That is what I have been good at, all my life. Sacrificing everything for a land which appeared greener. And never mind that no land has ever been greener, I still got all my inspiration from it.

I am still writing, I am still producing something, creating. That is a result. I cannot deny it, hell brings inspiration. Happiness might just shut me up. Though I’m not sure, I never found happiness. Not sure if it is possible to find happiness.

The pursuit of happiness, good title… maybe I’m ready to write that new book after all. Other nice title: Something impossible, like finding happiness. But what if I were to say instead: I have finally found happiness? And write accordingly? I would lie, but maybe it would be a good start. God knows.

I’m brain dead, that’s what I have been, since I have arrived in Los Angeles. I cannot write anything, I could not even think of starting a new book. Let alone a film script which probably would not go anywhere and would be a waste of time. You don’t get inspired here, you get depressed.

Maybe if I were to find a rich and old boyfriend, ready to accept me in his home with one command only: write all day long! Then maybe I would get somewhere. At the moment I am just completely out of it.

It is not in Los Angeles that I will write my best work, I’m afraid. I can only wait and hope to be shipped somewhere else, with nothing else to do but write all day long. I cannot see how it could happen.

Maybe writing is not that important. Living is. How I wish I could at least live in Los Angeles. It could inspire me later on, once I’m gone. I’ve seen it now, I lived it now. There’s nothing more to say.

God, am I already ready to move on? Have I learned everything I was supposed to learn here? I don’t feel like I have lived or learned anything. Then again, it is maybe afterwards, in my literature, that it will all come out. And yes, you don’t know everything that has happened to me since I am in Los Angeles. I have a separate blog, and it is not here for you to read. That’s all I will say for now.

Apparently this year the time worldwide will change by one second. We will gain one second. A woman newsreader in Los Angeles suggested we use that second to drink some more alcohol. I was astonished.

I thought I was the only one drinking in L.A., since everybody else seems to be so perfect, that drinking does not appear in their vocabulary. I guess I lived in England for too long, as drinking myself to death on a regular basis is quite normal to me.

So, your woman newsreader invited us all to do so. So I guess, this is exactly what I will do next weekend. On that extra second we will gain, I’ll be drinking myself to death. And maybe write one more word to this blog. Which word should it be? Sex? Good idea. Perfect word. Maybe I’ll have sex then on that extra second we will gain on the New Year. I doubt it, but it would be nice.

And now you know, by how down the drain this blog has gone, that I have drank ten beers tonight. Sorry, I’ve been in London 10 years, what do you expect? At least I‘ll be going to bed early, and I would not have eaten anything, so I will still lose weight tonight.

I have lost weight since I am here. I did not want to, it just happened. Stress, hell, feeling of being lost, whatever. Eating is the last thing on mind at the moment. And I look much better for it, so I can’t complain.

It seems that I am determined to meet another mister right, here in Los Angeles, despite my lover being in London and being very depressed about it. I might as well try harder, and meet that mister right for real. Maybe it is just a fantasy of mine, but it is a nice one, one I can live with.

Especially at the turning of my 33rd year. I am getting old… one step closer to death. Realizing that we are mortal, is, I think, a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, I don’t have any disease that will speed up the process, and I am not willing to get one either. So again, death will have to fall from the sky. Cheer up, I might get run over by a car tomorrow morning on my way to work.

Merde, I should have worked on my conference tonight. Tomorrow I will pay the price. I am a prisoner of that job. I should try to find a way out, and still remain in L.A. somehow.

That would be the first step to my freedom. And it is ultimately what I am looking for. The freedom to write all day, whatever I want and feel like writing. That day will never come. Being in Hollywood does not change that fact.

There is no solution to my problem. Maybe if I stop eating all together for another few weeks, I will be good looking enough to attract a sugar daddy. I had many of them turning around me when I was younger, and I was too stupid then to accept their offers. I know better now… where is my sugar daddy? I’m ready!!! And beware, I’ll be wild in bed, because I’m so desperate anyway, that I could sleep with a dog.

I am listening right now to the song How soon is now, by The Smiths. And the video. There was never a better song written on this planet, and a better video to go with it. It is killing me that someone was able to reach what I consider to be perfection.

And what I still don’t understand is that none of the songs or the videos from that particular album where the song came from, sound or look like that song and video.

It is a fluke. Out of working hard, out of genius, suddenly something divine came out, something that no one ever will be able to top. Not even Depeche Mode was able to reach that point, I guess they were just not depressed enough.

I wish I had lived such a moment of genius in my life, that in three minutes I could make you listen and see something so perfect, that it would live and survive forever as perfection. God I wish I was capable of doing just that. I could die happily after that, all would be accomplished.

When I listen to How soon is now, I forget everything. I live somewhere, beyond my daily job, and my miserable existence. I reach some sort of new world where I am beyond all that.

It is the ultimate song and the ultimate video. Now, how could I ever write the ultimate book? Tell me? Or the ultimate short story, lasting three minutes, where I could have the same impact worldwide on everyone? It is just not possible.

I am wasting my time in the wrong medium. I don’t need to write books, I need to write songs! I need to learn music, I need time, I need to achieve that perfection! I am wasting my time. It is frustrating, it is killing me.

Somehow, I should be able to reach the same result through my books. I have to, that is all I have to make any sort of impact. And I think I have reached that point before, in my unpublished books, but I guess it had no impact whatsoever.

So I have to do it again, and this time, revolutionize literature in the process. Which means going beyond everything I have written so far, being even more extreme.

I have been so extreme, I don’t think I could go any further. I also think that I am beyond that now. So I guess I will have to live in the hope that one day some people will get back to these extreme books that I wrote, and see them for what they are.

And they are all my earlier work, my first books ever. After that I got lost, I tried to write to be published, and I was. What a mistake that was. I hope I have learned my lesson, and that from now on I will write what my heart tells me to write.

My best work must be ahead of me, I’m sure of it. Just give me the chance, and I will lay that perfect egg, the one which has been dying to get out for years, but never had the chance.

And it better come soon, before I shoot myself, because life is pretty depressing at the moment, and I just don’t know what to do to cling to it. I need another salvation, another savior, or anything, to save me from this hell… that conference job, those people.

Oh dear… is there a way out? I sincerely hope so.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 13

The most gorgeous guy contacted me today on the dating website. I had never seen someone so perfect. Of course, not wanting to lie, I send them three more recent photos, and now I know I will never hear from him again. Anyway, for one full second there, I was allowed to dream.

Yesterday I deeply needed to hear the voice of my Kiddo, I called, left a message, and of course, not understand my desperation, he never called back. Well tonight I don’t feel the need to talk to him. I’m listening to The Smiths videos, I’m drinking beers (my fourth one now), so I have all the fuel I need.

Funny how Morrissey’s songs over the years, always appeared to be perfect for the moments I was living, and how perfectly I was thinking everything he sings about. Must be destiny, I always thought. However, he was just very honest in his songs, and this universal. Which brings the question, is anyone else actually honest when they write their songs? Since I cannot connect to any of them, I guess the answer is no.

Which brings me to my own books and how dark they are, and honest, and how people connect to them. I guess to find people as depressed as you are, is a comforting thought and ultimately make you happy. Glad that such black material could actually help the people on the same wavelength. Of course, it is completely incompatible with anyone who I actually happy to live this life. Those people need to go see their doctor, no matter how much it costs here in the U.S., as they are certainly not normal, as it is quite clear that in the life we all lead at the moment, happiness just cannot be part of the equation. I can see you don’t know what I am talking about, never mind. You must be one of those happy ones, go and get lost then.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 12

I fell asleep quickly yesterday and I did not have the time to finish my story with the Kiddo. Despite all, he has a very nice body, with a nice dick, nice legs and a wonderful little ass. He is slim and he looks great in his jeans. Only his face looks older, the rest is fine. Which makes me wonder, can a 53 year old have such a great body? So we had sex all afternoon, and it was wonderful.

And call me once he was back home, and I fell in love again with that voice of his, which sounds totally different in person and does not have the same effect. So something might develop with the Kiddo in time, but not really. He will only be able to see me once every two weeks I would imagine, he is not exactly the cute little thing I thought he would be, and all of this made me appreciate my Stephen in London even more.

I am now convinced that I won’t me anyone better than my Stephen and I renew my vows to him on the phone. I told him that I was ready for a second ten years term with him, and that I would very much love to finish my days with him. In a way, it is great news that I now know that I won’t fall in love with the Kiddo. His head looks too weird, however I don’t know what the future has in store for me.

Today I need to work most of the day on my conference, and I also need to check out the shops around for specials on TVs and DVD recorders. I don’t suppose their Tivo machines would be half price? They already have a $200 rebate on these machines, that you need to get back through the post. Sorry, I can’t wait that long and live without that $200 at the moment. So I can’t afford a Tivo box. And I can’t spend too much either, since I will have to sell all my stuff before I go back to London, and I would imagine that I will be selling everything for almost nothing.

But God, I spotted Sony DVD Recorder which can also record 80 hours of TV, and that is the same as a Tivo without any monthly subscription. I want that machine, it costs $800. I would leave with it for England hoping it will work there…

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 11

It is already 20 minutes to 1 in the afternoon. I am no longer worried about what we will do once my Kiddo is here, I am more worried about the idea that he might not come at all.

I hope he understands that if he does not show up today, it is finished. I will not be calling him anymore, I will no longer hope to meet him. The only exception to this would be if he were to admit why he has been so reluctant to meeting me in the last few weeks. And if he has a good reason, then I might continue. By a good reason, I mean some sort of psychological blockage or another boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. That would be acceptable, but he will have to admit something quite big for me to continue this charade.

I have been warned about people making a fool out of yourself on these dating websites. And I have to say, it is starting to look just like that with my Kiddo. Well, it looked like that for many weeks now, and somehow he always succeeded in convincing me that it was not so.

I am about to call again his two phone numbers, it would be the third time in the last hour. He turned me into some sort of freak who now calls and calls his potential boyfriend when there is no such thing. I hate it.

My god, he will be here within 15 minutes! I’m sorry I doubted him…

He is now gone. He stayed less than six hours. The reason being that his sister was coming back from wherever she was, and he needed to be home for her. Why? Because she worries a lot for him when he is not around, he could lose consciousness at any moment, as he did three months ago. This is so touching, that he would need to go back home so his sister does not worry. I suspect it is also the reason why it took so long for him to finally meet me.

The other reason must have something to do with the fact that he is not 43, but 53. And he certainly made the mistake of the century by showing me his driving license, while I was certainly not asking to see it. The number 6 before the 2, on his birthday, has obviously been changed. He claims that they made a mistake and made him 10 years younger. And he needed to be older to take care of his mother affairs after she died.

Nice try, but I don’t believe it. I’m not certain when his mother died, but it was within the last 15 years. So he would have been old enough to take care of everything after her death. In fact, the only reason I could think of for changing his birthday, is to look 10 years younger so he could find a nice young boyfriend.

He is also the only single person I have met on that dating website who has a verified identification. And now I understand why, because to fool the system is as simple as changing one number on one’s driving license. And a scan or a photocopy of that card sent by post would fool anyone.

So it is pretty clear that he is 20 years older than me, not 10. And I’m sorry to say, it makes a huge difference. It also shows in his face, he has lost most of his hair on half of his head, and his hair chest is mostly white. No wonder he needed to bleach his hair and eyebrows before meeting me.

I have been fooled before about age. My actual boyfriend in London told me he was 29 when I met him, and I soon realized afterwards that he was in fact 36. Today that difference does not make much difference (we have a 13 years age difference), but at that time I was still cute and beautiful and young, and filled with prejudices. 36 would have been too old for me, 29 was acceptable.

As actually, to tell the truth, if my Norton had told me he was 53 instead of 43, there is no way I would have been talking on the phone with him for six weeks and that I would have met him today. So I feel betrayed again. I never thought I could have been betrayed like that. The photo on the website is very old indeed, even if he claims it was taken in the last 12 months.

Gosh I have been stupid. I must be the only damn person on that dating website who’s not lying. At the same time, I certainly will avoid any kind of surprise like that. And I certainly also got everyone frightened to contact me in the first place. It is their lost, because they would be more secured with me, since with anyone else it would be surprise time once they get there.

So I was walking towards him, he was waiting on the corner after he got out of the bus. Even from afar, I knew he was not the guy I was expecting. Once I got closer, I even realized that I would never have recognized him if he had not recognized me. I can tell you that I was not happy in my mind. And that I completely understood why he waited so long to finally meet me.

His bleached hair might have hidden his white hair, but it certainly also made them look very much white, so it did not help his case at all. He looked older than he might have been. My Stephen in London is supposed to be two years older than him, so I know how he should look like. He definitely looked 53 instead of 43.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 10

I could have met my North Hollywood friend tonight, but I decided against it. Just in case my Kiddo decided to come tonight instead of tomorrow. I insisted, but he knew he would not come. He said he had to go around town get my Christmas gift, a naughty book that he ordered for me, which actually comes from Canada.

He also took the time to go to the cinema to see that Mountain Brokeback thingy with Jake Gylenhaal, something about a gay relationship. I’m sure I’ve got both the title of the film and the name of the actor wrong. Again, he preferred going to the cinema instead of coming here.

Something is wrong, it makes no sense to me. After six weeks of talking on the phone every other day with someone I was hoping to start a relationship, I would have jumped at the chance to go and meet him as soon as possible. I guess all humans have not been made the same.

I thought it was fear on his part, and then it would make sense to come in the morning. If it turns out that he does not like me, or that I don’t like him, he would not be stuck here for the night. He could just leave or, as he said, we could become friends.

It is also possible that it has been such a long time for him, since he actually had a real date which is not just sex, that he needed to prepare both psychologically and physically.

He bleached his hair today and he will be wearing tomorrow what he most prefers to wear. Something that he rarely wears. I said, oh my god, he is a drag queen! He will arrive bleached with a dress and full make up on! He said no, that what he wears is being worn somewhere else in the United States as a matter of commonality. So I gathered that he will arrive dressed a cow boy, in leather. He did not appear to deny that.

Every person I have met here who are really into films and L.A., either live in Hollywood, or like my Kiddo, lives on a street which reminds us of it. He lives on Hollywood Way. It might all be a coincidence, I hope so anyway, as it is a bit ridiculous.

Though I have to admit that I am annoyed when I tell my friends my address, I write Woodland Hills CA, and though I am one street away to Los Angeles and Hollywood, they could easily think that I live in Northern California. I have also been told that Woodland Hills is the nicest and most expensive place in the Valley, and I must be living in the most expensive apartment there is. Only because it makes no difference how much I spend on my apartment, the rest of my money goes to my creditors. So I might as well enjoy it. However I hope he is not after my money, because I have none. Though I am quite prepared to help him if certain weeks he does not work very much, as he said would be likely just after the holiday period.

So my Kiddo has been preparing for days for this famous first meeting tomorrow. If not weeks. It is a good indication that he does feel this is quite important to him, that he looks his best for when we meet.

What I interpreted as a lack of interest, was more a worry of rejection, I would say. And meeting once might change all that. And then I would hope to meet him at least once a week. That would be too nice.

So today he really enjoyed himself, he went to Venice Beach, enjoy a movie, had a full day of it. I, on the other hand, stayed at home all day, on Christmas Eve, and did nothing. In retrospect I should have took the bus and drag myself to Los Angeles or Hollywood, or even the Beach. It was such a nice day, the hottest ever since I have arrived. On Christmas Eve… another thing that makes no sense to me. I am the kind of person who thinks that on Christmas and the New Year, it should snow like hell. And I have been very lucky in the past, in the North of Canada my wish has been exhausted many times. Here, it was a day for the beach and swimming in the ocean. I should have done something instead of waiting all day for nothing.

I also have to say that this is my first Christmas where I did not have to suffer Christmas music or the fever of Christmas in the shops, since I have avoided it all. For me, it has been business as usual, with nothing to remind me of it. Considering that last year I had 20 days off over the Christmas holiday, and this year it is merely two long weekends of three day each, then there was no Christmas for me this year. And I have to admit, I prefer it this way.

Dear, dear, dear… tomorrow I will be meeting my Kiddo! I cannot believe it! I cannot stop thinking that somehow there will be an earthquake to prevent me from meeting him. Why, oh why did it take so long for this meeting to take place? There is a reason for everything, though I cannot see why in this case. Except that there is now such a build up to this meeting, I am expecting to meet God himself. And if I don’t, I will be very disappointed indeed.

On the other hand, let’s not forget that I am no longer that cute little thing that I was. Without these long conversations on the phone, he might not have wanted to start a relationship with me. So his plans to make me bite for such a long time, to already develop something before we meet, will at least work both ways. He must already feels like he knows me. Like I do know him. And I cannot wait any longer to meet him and fall in his arms. It will be so nice! Especially that I need it so badly. And I’m afraid, it would not work if it was anyone else. You cannot get what I need from a quick sex session with a stranger. My Kiddo is someone I could fall in love with.

It is Christmas in one minute now. That’s it, it is now Christmas. I just burped, but at least I did not fart. What a way to celebrate Christmas on my own. My baby has been alone in London all day, miserable because I was not there. It is the first year he does not put the Christmas light and decorate a tree. I should feel very guilty for meeting my Kiddo tomorrow.

It is so dangerous, what if I were to fall in love? Should I have put a stop to all this while I still could? Can we stop our march towards love?

At the moment I can only think of my meeting with the Kiddo tomorrow morning. I don’t know what will happen, or what to expect. I have such high expectations, it better be good.

Being depressed on Christmas day…

I feel great today! I just opened a beer, I just finished watching (again) the story of that 33 year old spinster (like me) called Bridget Jones (The Edge of Reason). And now I somehow feel electrified.

I feel like one of those nights when I would drink myself to death and write all night long. And often, writing the best things I ever did. I’m not in the mood today to write, except this blog, however…

Actually, the buzz of that film is now over, and my second beer seems to be killing me instead.

Oh God I’m depressed… I need a lot of Sherlock Holmes now with Jeremy Brett to get back to some sort of normality.

For one full minute there I thought I would actually be happy on Christmas day, well Christmas Eve anyway. I am alone today, so far, by choice. A friend wanted to see me, I don’t think so. I don’t feel like it.

And my baby in London feels the same. He told me that since I left, he has become so depressed, he is not doing anything anymore. The cats are left to themselves, the fish are dying, the letters and bills remain unopened on the counter and he does not eat anymore. God it hurts to hear this.

My baby is a hard worker, and every one of his bosses in time learned to appreciate it. However there is a big turn over of staff where he works and he never has the same boss for more than six months. And every time he has to start all over again. They hate him at the beginning and then he has to gain their trust by working hard.

This time he has a new Manager and he just won’t see it. He is trying very hard to get my baby fired or to leave, and unfortunately for him, upper management said no, that Stephen was the best employee they ever had. The Manager is not happy about this and now he makes the life of my baby a misery.

So I guess it is universal, Corporate America gone wild has now spread everywhere, like a disease. And whole nations live unhappily and stressed out to the point that pharmaceutical companies never had it better.

I told Stephen of my episode at work this week, and how, if I could have, I would have been back in London the very next day. And I told him that it was impossible for me to work for that company even for a year. That I am basically giving myself three more months before returning to London, the time it will take for my contract for my rent to be over.

By then, if nothing happened on the writing side, if I am still not working in films or at least met interesting people, then I’m leaving. I also told him that the idea of him coming here to work for that company, and his visa they are trying to get him, might be something we should forget about.

I would not want both of us working for a bastard. We are still going through getting the visa, it will take time, but let’s say that now we are observing the events and we have made no decision. So either he comes over here eventually or I’m going back. Three months is the limit for us to be reunited.

All this cheered him up. He was complaining that he was alone for Christmas, like me, and that many people invited him over, but that he had lost the will to live and could not do anything. So he is simply depressed while everything crumbles around him. I almost cried, again.

I was reading today some stuff I wrote while in my last job, how I was unhappy there and how I wrote reports that were completely wrong, how I wanted a way out and that anything would have done the trick. And then I realized that this blog is almost identical to the book I wrote about it in French last year.

Do you want more proof that I am stuck in a time loop and that I just cannot get out of it? Whether it is in London or Los Angeles, it is the same thing, and I am writing the same thing about it. What is it that I need to learn that I am not? Where is it that I am failing to understand, to change all that and break out of that loop?

All I got out of this are a few books that are just the most depressing things ever, and as a consequence probably will never be published. So I’ve got nothing out of these nightmares. Maybe there is just no meaning to all of this. I am starting to believe that I do not have any destiny at all and there is no destination that I am trying to reach at the end of the road.

I’m like on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with rows, fighting to get somewhere when I should have realized a long time ago that even with rows, I could never reach the shore. So I am going over these huge waves for nothing, because in the end I will most certainly die and all my efforts simply could never have helped me escape this fate.

Christmas? What Christmas? I’ll be working!

Of course, my successful track record at work could not last very long. I was called in the office after my lunch break, and my boss really went into it. I had to go to the toilets afterwards, and there and then I was convinced that coming to L.A. was a huge mistake.

This obsession of people to want commitments on apartments, cars, jobs, etc., is the only reason I cannot go back to London right now. I would have, definitely. And I’m still thinking about my earliest way out without it being too costly.

I was at work all week, I did work on the other project I was assigned to, and as I understood it, the new one was only until the director had finished reading my stuff and so we could continue on that first project. Wrong! I was supposed to work overtime every night of the week, to make sure that both projects went somewhere.

And of course, my director backstabbed again, saying that I had not spent that much time on our project, and I should have had the chance to get the other one somewhere.

So the conversation was quite horrid, in which my boss said that I had already been sick three days the previous week, and this week it had been four days and I still had nothing to show about that damn conference. And that was another $1000 for him down the drain. I now understand that he appears to be counting how much it costs him by the day, if not the hour.

I had to point out that my three sick days at the very least did not cost him anything since I was not going to be paid, as I was told by the woman in HR. He was under the impression that it was another $1000 he lost on me. He did not like to be reminded.

So I proposed to work on that huge research of his, which will take me forever, all over the Christmas holiday. And he said yes, that I had to, as it was not acceptable for him to lose $1000 like that. So now, not only I will be spending Christmas alone, I will also be working like crazy. And that is just the thing that makes it all not worthwhile.

This is the decisive argument that convinced me that this job is not for me, that I needed a way out as quickly as possible. I am not going to mortgage my life for any company or for anyone.

If he asks me to work over Christmas, then that’s it, it’s over. Simple. And I won’t regret letting them down eventually when I will announce to them that I am leaving, despite all that they supposedly did for me.

There are mind games, management tricks, and there is crossing the line. He came back from wherever he was for the last few days, and he called everyone in his office one by one to destroy them psychologically one day before Christmas.

Everyone was in hyper drive today, everyone was freaked out. My valley girl did not go to lunch, and she spent at least 30 minutes with the Chinese girl in the kitchen repeating how unfair the boss was. She spent the day calling over 100 companies and sending them e-mails to boost them to act. And she was not happy about it.

This morning it was the sales guy, he too got a bollocking by the boss and came out quite shaken, and also had to speak with the valley girl to calm down. And there is the environmentalist guy, who spent his day calling people, when I am pretty certain that, one day before his holiday started, was the last thing he wanted to do. Even his comments over the phone were telling that he called these people very reluctantly.

I could not tell anyone about my nightmare, but they could tell by my sudden seriousness. I was not speaking anymore, I left exactly at 5 pm on the dot, I did not say goodbye.

The cool Spanish guy try to get something out of me, he even wanted me to write it in French since he can understand that language. I could not tell him anything, my boss is watching me every second of the day, he can see me all the time. Speaking with colleagues is just not allowed, or would be too obvious.

I’m afraid to admit, despite all the jobs from hell that I ever had, these kinds of meetings are so difficult to bear, and it throws you into such a state afterwards...

And though the direct consequence is that I will be working the whole holiday, to be honest, the direct consequence in my mind is that I’ll find my way out. It could have been instant without that stupid rent I have to pay until March. And it destroys something valuable in the mind of the employees, loyalty.

I cannot be loyal to someone who holds a meeting to tell me that kind of thing. Because for me it is like turning on a switch in my brain and it reaches a point of no return. It is telling me basically that it was a mistake to hire me, and if this is so, let’s just go our own ways. I don’t need that crap, I don’t need that job, I don’t need you. If you don’t need me then I won’t stay, why should I?

Of course for him it is just a trick, or is it? When I said that he crossed the magic line, it means in my mind, that perhaps in my case it was going beyond the mind games. It was clearly telling me that he was just paying me too much for what I was capable of doing during normal office hours. He is result driven, yes, but results take time, especially when you are juggling with three different projects at the same time.

This said, yes, I have wasted my time this week. Not a lot, but a bit. I admit that. I was not motivated by the sheer size of that research I need to do, which will require on my part something like a full week of work, including overtime. I also cannot find any information, I can only find bits and pieces here and there, and that is why the size of the research has no boundary, it is infinite.

So I did deviate from my hard work, I thought working on the previous project would save me. There is no such thing as an excuse. I was caught, I was reprimanded quite harshly, now I need to work over Christmas and I better bring him results soon.

The only results I could bring him now, is by calling the industry, which means days of transcribing all that from tapes to files. And of course, everyone else is on holiday, I cannot reach anyone now, or even next week (I will be working four days between Christmas and the New Year).

So I am already destined to fail, I will not bring him any result before the New Year. I might as well give up, since obviously this will not be a good excuse, since there is no valid excuse for anything in that job.

I’d rather be dead than continue in that job full time with overtime. I’d rather go back to London and resume my previous job, now that I have proven how great I was at it, and they have the proof now. They can also recognize good work, for a change.

Though I have to say, at the end of the meeting, he said something positive. He admitted, and something tells me that it was difficult for him to do so, that the director had also admitted that he was impressed with my work on the other project. Must have been difficult for the director to tell my boss such a thing. But he did, and so there is hope for him, he is not completely out to get me.

So there could be better days on the horizon, days where I will not be called in the office for a bollocking. However these better days can only last for as long as I work 80 hours a week.

This is something I am not prepared to do, unless it was for something that I actually enjoy doing, like writing film scripts. So we will have to part company very soon. And I will now actively look for my way out. Obviously it means going back to London.

I just need the time to meet some people here. Make some contact, people I can work with in films. I have not done anything so far to meet anyone. This has to change. I need to work all the holiday in trying to meet them. But how could I, now that I will have to work on that massive research? I can’t!

I’m desperate, and this means that I’m ready for desperate measures. Somehow I need to make this work. Somehow I need to make this whole thing worthwhile. I cannot go back to London empty handed. It is not acceptable from the point of view of my destiny.

And if all I have to show at the end of this, is that stupid blog, then it is not enough. It will be classified as my worst failure ever, my missed opportunity of a lifetime. I could not live with that.

Something has got to happen, and somehow I need to be the instigator of these events. I can no longer wait until it falls from the sky, there is a sense of urgency. I will have to take risks, I will have to act, I will have to do something, anything, to make things happen.

Which means, I’m afraid to say, that we are the ones who make the life we have. There is no destiny all planned out that we are following. We build our own destiny. And I sure will build mine.

That research of is will be on the back burner over the Christmas holiday. I have some more pressing duties awaiting me. And it starts tonight. And I don’t care what time I’ll go to bed, I won’t sleep if necessary. Just like in the old days.

Maybe I became too comfortable in these jobs I am not destined to do as I grew older. It is easy to forget that we have dreams to pursue and to actually spend the time pursuing them. Let it be a lesson to me, I have been reminded that everyday counts, that every hour of work is important and could lead somewhere.

There is no rest for the driven people, sleeping or watching TV is just no acceptable, they have to work all the possible hours of the day in trying to reach their goals. And I will reach my goals, I have not gone that far to get comfy in a stupid conference job. I’m so close to it all, it is now up to me to get somewhere real fast.

I still don’t have a car, I can’t get the loan I have learned today. I still don’t have a TV and DVD recorder. Who cares? I don’t need these things, those ties to this job I don’t want.

I’m finished spending my money or committing myself to spending even more every month. I have goals, and I need to reach them by any means at my disposal. I have been reminded, there is no going back.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Work, Christmas and Car

I feel weird today, but what is new. It could be Christmas, the fact that I am not going back to London, the idea of not sacrificing $1,500 for this, even though every fiber in my body tells me it is worth it.

I can sort my car at lunch time, then that settles it, I can't go since I won't have the money. I'm trying to buy a silver Mustang convertible for $12,000. I had to get back to the idea of a Mustang since they are the cheapest convertibles you can buy in L.A.

Of course, I have spotted the car I would like, the new Nissan 350Z Roadster convertible, only because they look like the Smart Cars Roadsters that Mercedes sell only in Europe. However at $35,000 I don't think I could afford the payments.

I can't believe I am talking so much about cars, I have zero interest in these machines. It took me 28 years to have my first car despite my three driving licenses.

I first had the oldest car on the road, a Volvo, then a Renault 5, and now it could be a Mustang. If I can't get the finance, since I have no credit history here, then I'll have either an old banger in the New Year once I get paid, or I might just accept this offer of the Lincoln of my boss.

It is a SUV, the car everyone is disgusted about, and this SUV is probably the largest one of all. It is also a Ford. I dare not imagine how much it would cost to fix it once it breaks down. Like my friend's Dodge, probably $9,000.

However it is kind of luxurious, it is not very old, it works fine even if finding a parking space large enough for it is kind of difficult, and no need for credit history. I could also have it instantly, almost. Not sure if I would only get it in the New Year.

You know, when life throws at you something like a car, and it looks too easy, and you wonder why you should take it, if it is still $20,000 and you never really wanted a huge Ford SUV, still, you should take it. It is obvious that this is all that destiny was able to throw in your way, as it was before with my Renault 5. I practically inherited it as a result of a trade-in where Stephen works.

And I fought it, and I wasted many months without a car, and in the end, since I won't be able to get credit and that I don't want to end up with a very old banger which will need repair almost instantly, I will just take the offer. I should have seen before-hand that I would eventually own a Lincoln. However I checked the Kelly Blue Book, and it is still worth $30,000. At that price, I would prefer my Nissan 350Z. We’ll have to see.

I had a chance yesterday to speak for the first time to the real Management Consultant. The poor guy might have a lot of experience doing what he does, and he might have worked as he said for the three biggest companies around, doing what he intends to do here, but he has no clue about the conference world, which I am sure has nothing to do with any kind of company he laid his teeth into. So in the end I am not certain how he will be able to have such an input into making things better here, and prepare us for the big expansion that we were told would happen soon.

However I am sure that somehow he has learned a way to just gobble everything everyone has to say and propose solutions which I'm sure will make sense. Somehow he will succeed in presenting something, anything, and as a result, things might change. He must know what he is doing, I'm sure he costs a lot of money to the company.

The thing is, he is a very nice old man and he is obviously highly interested in everything I have to say, because I'm pretty sure he has no clue about how the main conference companies have evolved in time.

I told him I wrote many reports, of course he was highly interested. I told him he would need to ask my boss before I can give them to him, since perhaps they wanted a totally independent analysis from him, and see what he would come up with on his own.

So finally yesterday we sent him all my reports, and this is when I discovered that my main report about their main competitor, never reached the inbox of my boss. And the other main report I wrote which is about their second biggest competitor, she had received it but never opened it.

They were not joking when they sad they never had the time to go over them, and no wonder I never got any feedback. And no wonder the Director freaked out completely, since the first two days that I was supposed to work with him, from his perspective, I was writing reports which never reached my bosses.

So of course they never said to him to bear with me, since in my eyes I was working on something quite important, but they did not know about it. Important enough anyway that they are willing to hire an expensive professional to look into this.

I hope for the Management Consultant that he does not intend to do like me, write reports and send them to my bosses. Because then, he might never get any feedback, they might never read them, and the whole thing would have been expensive indeed.

So now I understand why my reports never had any impact. And I was so proud of myself for having written so much and to have been able to actually do it. And all I succeeded in doing at that time was to alienate them all.

Now I actually have the perfect person to be highly interested in all my reports, the real Management Consultant. Who must have been reading all this since yesterday, and hopefully realizes now, how much easier all of this will make his job.

With a bit of luck, he'll tell my bosses what an amazing amount of work that was, and how helpful it was to him. In the final analysis, whether someone tells your boss that you are worth something, or whether he or she finds out on his or her own, makes no difference. So all this work might finally pay off in the end, in the New Year.

If somehow I have a car at Christmas or the New Year, and that I am about to pass it alone for my three days off on each occasion, I will definitely just go and explore California at the very least.

Maybe it is time I went to visit that Grand Canyon. Or I won't plan anything, I'll just go and get lost in California. Find a desert somewhere, perhaps reach Nevada and Texas. I should be working on this conference now, I don't feel like it, but I will, as soon as I run out of inspiration here.

This morning I woke up and I thought, another one of these days. Sounded very much like, for the first time, I felt this whole thing was becoming routine. You know, when you reach a point when every day is so much the same that you cannot remember if something happened that Monday, Wednesday or last week. All those days look the same anyway and you are stuck in a time loop, repeating it over and over again.

However this is crazy that I could feel this is routine, so many things everyday is happening, I got my boss' car, yesterday I got my driving license, today I might buy a car, I never work on the same conference each week, and now the Management Consultant has brought a new dimension to all my work.

So I think that, what I really meant to say this morning when I woke up, was, oh no, not another one of these days from hell where I will be rushing around to accomplish huge tasks about setting myself up in L.A. Like buying a car, or finally buying a TV and DVD Recorder, etc. These things take time, requires a lot of energy, and I am running out of steam.

I am pretty sure now that the Black guy is reading this. I am not certain how he can figure out all my tricks about hiding this from him, or if he can just see the files that I delete or save at odd places, or if he only knows that I am writing but does not know what.

He asked me how I felt today, and you don't normally ask that kind of question unless you think something might be going wrong. And as far as he can tell, there is nothing that could be going wrong with me.

I'm not worried with the new Management Consultant, I look forward working with him and together perhaps we will get somewhere. He could have thought this could have affected me, however I don't think so. I had heated discussions with the Director this week, but only a sort of passion about work, getting somewhere with this event, we did not have any problem.

Remains only that he might have saw that I was writing (he certainly does watch over us), or does he knows for certain and reads this? Difficult to know.

If he reads what I am writing, I might as well, just in case, let him know something that obviously he could not know about all this. There is nothing to worry about me writing my thoughts down here.

People think all the time and I guess it is unfortunate for bosses to be unable yet to spy on our thoughts. What I think at the moment I write it, and I usually forget all about it five minutes later, and may even think something different not long after.

And despite everything I wrote that could be considered like complaints or worries about this new job, I have to say that what I have written in the past about my other jobs was much darker, and then I was not very nice in my description of who they were and what they were doing.

So at the moment everything here is pretty positive, I know so, compared with my previous jobs. And so, there is no need to worry about my babblings.

Breakthrough with my Director! And changing this world on a massive scale

I could not believe it! Twice today I got compliments from my Director, and hopefully this will mark the end of his non-respect towards me and my aptitudes.

Today he finally took the time to read all the interviews I did on the phone in the past few weeks. And when we discussed it, I said that some of them did not know what they were talking about.

He was so impressed by that simple sentence, he commended me for realizing so quickly that many of these people we call know even less than us on the subjects we are trying to find answers about. He mentioned that other researchers in the company before were misled in believing everything they hear.

And then, less than an hour later, he stopped to tell me that what I had done so far was excellent and that I was very good with the interviews in order to find out the exact information we needed.

In fact, though my bosses will never admit to this, I believe they suddenly thought that I could be an asset to this organization. This is probably why they have changed their perception of me, are much nicer now and I got the car of my boss for almost a full week to go around town and pass my driving license.

Hopefully I will have that damn license tomorrow. I have to go for a second time for the behind the wheel test, in Winnetka this time. With my luck, I’ll probably run over an old woman, or even better, a woman with her kid.

Other news, I won’t be going back to London at Christmas and my baby is not coming here either. Which brings the question, should I take two days off and go see my parents, my sister and her daughter whom I have never seen yet for the New Year?

I feel I should, I asked Stephen what he thought about this. It would be nice to see them even for five days, I have not seen them in five years. So they don’t forget about me and that I am no stranger to my new niece who is now two years old and already speaks! Usually no one remembers anything before the age of three, so at this time it makes no difference if I see her now or next year.

However it is my sister’s baby and I remember that I felt bad a few years ago about my two new cousins not knowing me very much. We have a small family on my mother’s side, it is important to keep contact. And on my father’s side, the family is so large, that it does not matter if I don’t see any of them for the rest of my lifetime.

I just spoke with my mom, and because they are sending me 500 dollars that I should receive tomorrow, they feel it would be criminal to come and see them over Christmas, since this money is to help me set myself up in Los Angeles. So that is now also sorted. I will be spending Christmas alone.

Someone asked me if I talk as much as I write. Yes I do. Though I have learned in time to speak less and listen more. If I'm drunk, it would be advisable to stay away from me. I have a tendency to say all that I think. I could be even more open and honest in this blog, I have to say. But I'm afraid, here, this is all you will get.

I can at least tell you that Stephen is in the process of getting a visa to come and live with me here in Los Angeles. That is why going back to London for me right now is not the most obvious option. He will be working with me in that company. He will also bring with him our two baby cats that I love so much. After that, perhaps there will be nothing calling me back to London for quite a while.

I have been very much alone since I have arrived in Los Angeles. I have only one friend, and I have seen him only twice. He is also the friend who might open me all the doors to Hollywood for me to write full time on big budget films, as he has very interesting contacts and should present me to these friends in the near future. That part of my blog is 20 more pages so far. It is nice to let you all know that on that side, things are happening faster than I was expecting.

Stephen does not offer me much at the moment in terms of emotional support, unfortunately. He is also very good at driving me crazy. He has a hard drug addiction, not counting that he is an alcoholic, and sex has become a stranger in our relationship. Which is very unfortunate. But I'm willing to continue this relationship at this time. We have decided today to remain where we are this Christmas, to save money for when, and if, he makes the big jump and joins me here in Los Angeles.

He was here though, he arrived with me almost two months ago and remained here for one week. At the end of that one week, before I brought him to LAX airport, we had sex. He was so cute naked on my bed with, and it was so nice to be in his arms one last time, I will cherish this memory for quite a while.

I have not yet explored the gay life in California. I have heard there were about four bars on Santa Monica Boulevard. I have not even taken the time to go there and I have no plans at the moment to explore this side of L.A. I must be getting old indeed!

I am back with my own thoughts. Wondering where I am, where I am heading, what’s happening, etc. It is Christmas in less than five days. I will be very much alone, and I actually prefer that anyway. I’ll just drink myself to death and probably write an interesting few pages for my blog. I will probably be depressed, as I always am around Christmas every year. I might meet a friend, though somehow I think it won’t materialize.

Sometimes it is nice to be alone, like tonight. As someone said, I do juggle with a lot at the moment. No wonder I wrote nearly 100 pages in the last two months, and from experience, this is over 200 pages of a normal book once published.

And yet, nothing significant happened. This is just the introduction. My God, this blog will have 1000 pages by the end of my first ten months in L.A. Surely this means something? Or will everything just calm down and routine will take over?

I have important meetings soon, if they come true, and I might start to work in films in science-fiction, even if at the beginning it will solely be as a science consultant or technical adviser. Eventually my own film scripts and synopses could attract attention, and they already did somehow. Nothing and everything could happen any day. To make this whole pilgrim to L.A. worthwhile.

I’m sure that from the point of view of my destiny, something huge must happen soon. No such amount of energy should or could have been spent otherwise. Everything has a meaning, or in other words, it is not possible to accomplish such a radical change in one’s life without experiencing a string of consequences that eventually will make it all worthwhile.

I am saying this from experience. It may not look like it, from reading this blog, and poor souls or lucky souls reading this right now, have no idea of everything else I have written in my life, of all my different moves in the last 15 years in five different countries.

It is not the first time I listen to the cry of adventure, and decides to leave everything behind. It is not even the first time that I abandon my boyfriend of many years to change country to pursue my dreams.

I left my first boyfriend to go and study in Paris in La Sorbonne 12 years ago. He joined me in the end, and together we moved to London. However he was not faithful, I suffered terribly and ultimately it brought about our destruction.

I have gone through so much in my life, that I can assure you that the eight or nine autobiographical books I have written so far, and they are big bricks I can tell you, are quite filled with all of this that I have experienced and all that happened to me in the last 12 years.

It is perhaps a shame to have written so much about my own little person, when I could have been spending my time writing fiction instead, or even better, about how to change this world for the better.

I understand now that it is perhaps more important from the point of view of a credible author, or from the point of view of contribution to the literary world. I can’t really complain though, my last two published books were autobiographical and have been a good success in the French speaking countries, relatively speaking of course, for what an average book could expect to sell, from an author who is not writing bestsellers.

Maybe all this will change soon. Maybe I will be writing fictional bestsellers soon. If my film scripts don’t go anywhere, I will turn them into short stories. And I have spent so much time imagining the perfect stories, that this book of short stories could be impressive indeed. From a point of view of the paranormal, that is. So this is untouched ground really, not much is about the paranormal world these days. Love and infidelity is what they bang us on the head with. And half funny comedies which almost become dramas, since they are so boring and insignificant.

I might never get the chance to write full time, I might never finally break that barrier of having serious journalists speaking about my work. I am just invisible to them, despite all there is to say about my career and my books so far.

Stupid, I got more publicity out of the bombings in London that I ever did in my lifetime as an author. I finally appeared on the French television all over Canada and everyone saw it, and many articles in important newspapers as well.

The French-Canadian author living in London, avoiding the bombs on his way to work to Parliament Square in Westminster, and who saw the blood and the human being pieces being blown out everywhere on the street of Russell Square.

This is how it was presented to the people, and my mom crying over me for all Canada to see. I was nowhere near any bomb. And I have never said the things that they made me say after a crafty editing job. You would have thought I saw it all, I saw nothing. You would have thought it was one of the most terrible moments in human history, and it certainly was not.

This is the wonderful world of journalism, they lie through their teeth, to make it look much worse than it is. And they serve the purpose of terrorism very well, my own interviews certainly frightened me out of my wits. Until I stopped to think and remembered what it is that I actually stated on there.

And yet, after all that, I’m sure there was no surge of visitors on my websites. And yet, I have more than one million of them visiting my pages every year. And yet, I am still nowhere.

It is because I am ambitious, I am pretentious, it is one billion people I want to reach every year. I need to change this world on a massive scale. I had about five Indians from India contacting me in the last two weeks, about my theories of the universe and relativity, a link to my website must have appeared somewhere on the Net. It is millions of Indians that I need to reach, and Hollywood is the only medium that could give me the chance to do just that.

Reading this blog, you might wonder what it is that I could actually say to change this world on a massive scale. It does not look like I could, and I agree, nothing of what you have read so far could convince you that I am worth it. But I feel I am somehow, and you could agree with me if you were to read some of my French non-autobiographical books.

And if everything goes according to plans, you will read them one day in your own language. And the world will be a better place, or perhaps a worst one, since you might also understand from my books that this is an ugly world.

It could make you feel better though, to understand that you are not alone thinking about all that. Unless of course you are living the perfect love affair, and don’t see anything wrong with this world. As most people do anyway.

This world is not going anywhere anytime soon. I talk a lot about my own destiny, what about the destiny of this world? Does it not have a great destiny? Radical changes in sight? Some revolutions coming, in just about every single domain of society?

Is it not the time for a full revolution of how we think and manage this world? Is it not time for a great revolution in Physics which would irremediably change all our technology and greatness?

Is it not time to change our whole political system worldwide and especially legal system to the point of non-recognition? Is there not something better than socialism or capitalism that we have not yet explored?

Is it not time for the paranormal to make a comeback with some proofs from science to make it accessible to everyone? Is it not time to understand this afterlife phenomenon, get some real answers, and change our way to picture this universe? Is it not time to take this U.F.O. and alien phenomenon a bit more seriously and understand the consequences of it?

Is there not a way in this world to actually find happiness instead of this misery of the terrible corporate world? What are the problems, what are the solutions, and can we apply them globally and change this world forever?

Is it too much to ask to desire happiness? Is this an impossibility on this world? Are we incapable to make this place livable? Are we only capable of destruction and annihilation of the human race? Is this where we are leading humanity?

I think that if I believe that I have a great destiny, the world must have one too. We will overcome all these questions, all these problems, and radical changes will be required around here.

And I will work very hard to make it all happen, to be an element of this global change. And I won’t tell you to recycle, I haven’t since I have arrived in L.A., and I find it liberating.

The changes I am talking about are on a much larger scale. And my God, we are ready for that radical change, and we are seriously overdue!

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 9

I am now outside on the balcony of my studio, it is cold and I am overlooking the car park with all the people walking around. The musician from North Hollywood is still sleeping. He arrived at midnight last night and we talked all night, all morning and finally went to bed at 1 or 2 pm. I only slept two hours and I will need to go to bed very early tonight or else I will be sick again.

I have to say that it has been the weirdest day of my life. He drank something like 12 beers and half a bottle of Porto, and he smoke some grass. He was very nervous, talked non stop for hours on hand and would not leave anymore.

So I assumed that he wanted something more, but since he never had sex with a man except that 18 year old God, I thought he did not know how to tell me. Why else would you stay at someone else's place for over 12 hours, repeating yourself like he did? Well I assumed wrongly, and the next thing that happened was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life.

He eventually came to bed beside me since he was too drunk. He wanted to drive, that would have been crazy. So I got closer, it has been forever since I had any sort of affection whatsoever. He did not push me away. So I got my clothes off, I took his clothes off, and we stayed in bed naked in each others arms for perhaps 10 minutes.

His brain went into overdrive, he spoke a lot about that 18 year old kid with whom it was a sort of a dominating relationship on the part of the kid. It is now turning against him since the kid claims he was not 18 yet, when apparently he was.

He was rock solid, he would not move, he was in some sort of frozen state, perhaps a deep psychological blockage. And we talked about it quite openly, he confirmed it. And eventually he said something like he did not want to hurt me and I understood that this was not going to happen. So we went to sleep.

This whole thing has been exhausting, and I cried again Friday night, and this morning, and I almost did now thinking about my cat. I cannot deny that I am an emotional wreck.

I feel completely abandoned by Norton, who now tells me that the day we will meet will be Christmas day, next Saturday. Except that he did not work yesterday and ignored all my phone calls all day and the previous day.

We would have had the perfect chance to meet, I even had a car for once to come and pick him up, and I said so on his answering machine. And yet it was more important for him to do his washing and go all around town to buy some stuff he ordered at some shop.

This is getting beyond the joke, our phone calls now are just a long litany of complaints on my part and apologies on his part. Talking on the phone has now become too painful.

So I re-invited Stephen to come to L.A. for Christmas, and asked him if he would want me to come over to London. Financially both options are not viable. But I don't want to spend the whole Christmas alone.

You might think that at least I have a friend, however after I tell you everything he said to me in the last 12 hours, you will understand that we are from different planets and that I cannot afford to spend 12 hours talking like this on a regular basis. It is simply killing me.

Well, you remember that I was kind of thinking that perhaps I could influence my future. Well, my friend travels through time and through space using his mind. He can tell you exactly what will happen to anyone in the future, and answer any question about anything. He is connected to some inexhaustible source of information and can get all the information he needs from there. He calls himself an emitter-receiver.

He can also discuss with any dead people, and this in an awaken state. When he composes his music, Mozart and Bach are there next to him dictating what to write. He also met John Lennon and Elton John on the second ring of Saturn. Elton John sang a song for him, and John Lennon told him he was happy, or something like that, I can't remember now.

As to why he could actually meet Elton John on another planet while Elton is still alive, he says that it does not matter, what he connects to is out of time. The past, the present and the future, it is all the same thing.

I am now alone, he is finally gone. It is 9h24 pm, can you believe? He has been here almost 24 hours. Why I did not kick him out sooner, is because he came back with revenge with a new series of statements about his kind of mind powers.

It would take me forever to transcribe here everything he has said, but suffice to say that he is a psychic medium. He can predict the future, see ghosts, feel vibes, tell you anything about anyone instantly.

And then he went on about his vivid dreams about the past, probably of past lives, where he can live periods of 10 years in a matter of minutes. He has déjà vu that he sees first consciously in dreams and then it happens a few days or months later.

He can cure people from any disease and basically cured his own heart problems by thought and concentration alone. Now his doctors are saying that this is a miracle. He also has a phenomenal memory. Never had to study to pass with straight As in school, and can memorize a whole film script of 300 pages after only one or two readings.

However, he never experienced temporal causality loops, or time loops, my favorite. He never relived the same events twice in real life. I would have been skeptical if he had said that he did experience that. Which makes me wonder, how could I not be skeptical about all that he said in the last 24 hours? Oh, I forgot to ask him about aliens.

He said that he never before told anyone all that stuff, and that he told me more than he ever did in his entire life to anyone else. You’ve got to give them that, Americans are just dying to tell you all their most precious secrets. They barely hide anything once you gain their trust. And I am so curious myself, I always ask just about all possible questions.

So, where does that leave him, then? He is the most psychic person alive. Funny enough, this is the story of one of my film scripts. And yet, he does not come empty handed, he is very much believable, and his achievements so far speak for themselves.

Is it possible? If not, he certainly has a lot of imagination. And his brain is definitely about to split one way or another from a huge surcharge. He lives at 300 miles per hour, he speaks very fast and constantly. His thoughts are running through his mind like fire, and he does have an answer to every question.

At this point, most people would have disconnected and told him that he was full of shit. Not me, whether he is that most psychic person alive or simply just completely disturbed in his mind, I have never met someone like that before and I doubt I will ever again. This certainly requires my attention and further study. I wish I could dissect a part of his brain and eat it… I’m just kidding.

At the same time the guy is definitely troubled. Such a genius who knows everything about everything, and can fill a room of his confidence, breaks down completely at the simple idea that he is gay. He cannot accept himself for what he is.

I have learnt that he never had sex with any of his girlfriends, finishing the relationship just before sex was about to happen. I guess it would have been over with me in that bed today when he said that he did not want to hurt me. So he also appears to have a problem with men, and I just wonder if he will ever be able to overcome it. In essence, sexually, he is a very dysfunctional person.

What did not help his case, is that young trouble maker with whom some little things happened, before both he and his father turned against him. The kid is a menace, he has a criminal record the size of a dictionary and apparently destroyed many lives before.

You know you are in Hollywood when a young delinquent inspired three people around him to write books that have all been published. My musician intends to start writing his book about this whole affaire pretty soon, he said that the whole book was already written in his mind.

The favorite hobby of that young person is to torture and kill animals, and he does that on a regular basis. He tried to kill both my friend and his father. He was also very much abused and tortured as a kid, apparently he is the most abused kid alive. No wonder he turned into the devil himself. And now they’re joking, saying that he has the famous 666 mark on his scalp.

According to my musician who can predict the future, in five years time the kid will be all over the news in a story involving hostages and killings. And somehow, my friend knows he will be involved in that horrible story.

There is so much more I could tell, however there will be at least another few books written about that kid in the near future, and oh, they’re making a movie about this. So you will know more than me very soon.

The sexual encounter between that young person and my musician is now destroying the life of my friend. He cannot stop talking about it, it pours out by every pore. You can tell that this is the kind of thing that could lead to suicide.

He better start writing that book soon, so he can exorcize this whole thing. Oh, and he will also write a few songs about this, he has one already done and it is pretty good. That song will end up in another movie, so then again, you will hear all about it very soon.

My God, I had not realized that I just had to destroy a few lives, play mind games like crazy and kill a few animals to become the talk of the whole world (meaning Hollywood). That’s where I went wrong!

I would like to be as celebrated as this kid, he certainly can be proud of all his achievements. He is now part of history, and is about to become global very soon. Well done!