Kiddo Blog in L.A. 3

I called Norton tonight, I asked him if it was a good time. He said no, and that at least he was honest. I asked him if I should call back later or tomorrow, and he said tomorrow. I wonder now if he realizes the impact of that sentence.

In my mind, now he finds me an annoyance. I call too much, he needs his breathing space. We have not even met yet! That is what is the killer, of all stories.

A second ago I thought he would feel guilty and call me back later. I suspect he ha become addicted to our daily phone calls. But now I think he won’t, because he knows our phone calls last forever.

My brain is going in higher drive. To think that today I was actually wondering how I would tell Stephen that I have met a new boyfriend and that he should stay in London to die alone, wondering what he has done wrong with me in the last ten years. Perhaps more sex would have done the trick? Less winging? Perhaps it would have done the trick, in fact I’m pretty sure it would have. Now it is too late.

There are no longer only two persons in this equation, but three. Breaking up a relationship of ten years is hard, but this is something I have been practicing in my mind in the last few days. I was prepared to announce to him the news that I had met someone else, sweet, lost, alone. And that we had developed the most wonderful relationship. That I was sorry, but that was life.

Useless to say that I don’t feel like that anymore, since I was blatantly rejected by Norton tonight. I suddenly remember the lie I told Stephen in my email tonight, that I would be so happy if he were to come to Los Angeles with our two baby cats. And now I feel I was right to lie. This relationship is solid, I want him to come over here, I want to continue this relationship.

Anything else is just a whim, uncertain circumstances. This is what will have to work around and with, in parallel, my real relationship of ten years, in secret if necessary. No need to sacrifice anything just yet.

It turns out that Norton did not have any other brothers and sisters. He actually did not blocked when I assumed he did. Understanding of family means that his actual sister. Though he is gay and it is obvious, because he has photos of naked men in his room, they have actually never talked about it.

So it means that I need to understand that I will need to be discreet with his sister. Also, the friends part, was about two gay dying friends with Aids that he needs to visit on a regular basis. All that stuff is shameful enough, or simply not easy to say upfront, no wonder it took him days to say so, weeks now.

Oh Norton! What are doing to me? I feel so alone, I need comforting, and you reject me just like that? I’m suffering! I have already drunk five beers, and I now have a glass of Rosé from California. I don’t need much at the moment to be thrown out of this new reality. Getting back to reassessing what the fuck I am doing in the South-West of America, never mind that it is called Los Angeles or Hollywood. I’m lost and alone!

I now feel like calling my baby in London. Tell him I’m coming back by the next flight, since he appears incapable of getting a fucking transcript of his studies. Ridiculous in this day and age to take months to get that sort of thing, when you can buy a convincing fake diploma overnight from any website. Bastards, they are destroying the very institutions they worked so hard to build in the first place, with this bureaucracy.

Norton’s annoying me now. All the very small details about his personality are now surfacing. I don’t like the fact that he does not like to have his toes or his ass licked. Just that! And that he is very grunge with his holes in his trousers without wearing underwear, so every other straight guy can look at his dick and judge him. I don’t like the idea that he has two earrings and try to convince everyone that he is an interesting chap, looking like Popeye on his photo which is three years old at least. Has he got something to prove to all these actors he has been working with? That he is better than they are? By leading life trying to convince everyone that he is different and interesting?

It is useless, I love him already for all that and more. He has me under his spell. I would be ready to sacrifice everything at the first demand on his part. I should be ashamed of myself, but is this not called love? And is it not normal to sacrifice everything for love? Even for someone you have never met?

Just when I thought that my life had reached a new low. Who could have predicted that? No one, except God! If that bugger actually exists. I call it destiny, which makes me as superstitious as any of those Mexicans or Salvadorians I meet. Am I not in control of that damn destiny? Controlling all the details of it despite everything that seem to fall into place as it should, out of my control? Damn!

I’m not in control, or am I ultimately? Is it possible that my subconscious knows more about what is to come, and makes sure everything around me falls into place, while I’m trying to convince myself I have free will in this world? No I don’t! And a few déjà vu I recently experienced proves it. Even though it was so vague! I still see through it all.

There’s no freedom here! Just the hope that there is. Just the impression that there is. I’m following a destiny, all right, I know that much. The path is all laid out in front of me, for me to follow without even have to question it and wonder if something else might not be more suitable.

I got what I want, that’s for sure, but is it enough? Am I still free? God knows. I don’t feel like it at the moment. Everything’s too perfect, even if life throws a few problems and dilemmas along the way. I see through it, and I would not want it to be less perfect. It would only mean more troubles, more obstacles to overcome, and ultimately I could give up.

I guess I’ll just have to live through all of this, and understand later what it was all about, when I read this blog again. Thanks! Have you thought of my happiness in all that crap? Should I not be happy? Do something about it then! Make me happy, make it simple, make me appreciate life for the simple pleasures we have down here. Make me happy to live! Being in Los Angeles is obviously not enough.