The Cool Spanish Guy I am working with, a Metrosexual?

And after all this, which was just an appetizer, let me talk about that little Hispanic guy at work. The cool Spanish guy, as described before. I think I have been flirting a bit too much with him, only because he let it happen. So how straight is he then? Today I had to fight Gloria twice, she was suggesting out loud that I was interested in him. I had to hit her a bit and call her some names out loud. Hopefully she will calm down.

Well, at least now the cool Spanish guy knows I am interested. It is most probably a tired long running joke in my back at work that I fancy him. I even think that the Director is involved, as at one point some days ago he said that he needed some sunlight, and he went to the Spanish guy and acted weird. As if the Spanish guy was some sort of illumination or positive force. And somehow, I feel this is all down to the fact that I feel it could be that way, and everyone knows.

I certainly like to look at him, he is the only thing that makes this whole job bearable. He usually wears sandals, he has big feet, and a nice face. He seems so pure and innocent, and childish, despite his 28 years. As I said before, there is nothing threatening in his eyes, he is totally genuine. And intelligent and quick. He comes to me to correct his English, can you believe, when his English must be twice better than mine.

I can just imagine what it would be like to be in his arms for one long big night. The Earth will stop turning, that’s for sure. Love would be written all over this special event. But before I get carried away, he is most probably straight, even if I have my doubts.

First he is too comfortable with my flirting, he had girlfriends before, and apparently he had a date last week with one of them. That does not look like someone incapable of accepting his homosexuality, it sounds more like a Metrosexual. Someone who is comfortable with the thought that men could be attracted to them, but ultimately would never go any further than flirting on the edge.

So I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want either to become the clown of the office, by going for a lunch with him, whilst the only purpose would be to get back to the office to tell everyone whatever I might have implied.

He took two photos of me today, why? What was the purpose of this? Again, I am reading too much into this. It means nothing. But his interest in me seems to have gone higher since I started to wear my black jeans, and black polo shirts, and especially my black shoes. He seemed to think that I can be cool as well. And what he does not know, is that I am light years more cool than he is, so I think anyway.

He is 28 years old, he has nothing to show for it. He is definitely two dimensional. I think I have lived enough on this earth, and in so many countries, and written so much, that I am living in at least 10 dimensions.

Which means that I will have much more to give to him than he will ever have to give back in return. It would most likely be a one way relationship, I will give, he will take. This is how empty I see him. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. A man who’s only friends are the three insignificant girls surrounding me, cannot be that cool. Unless somehow these girls were more specials than I first assessed. Which I doubt very much.

The truth is that he could enjoy this flirtation for months, when I would actually act upon it. That makes a big difference. It means that he is someone who’s not mature enough, despite his 28 years. Nothing will ever happen between us, I know that. It is a game for him. And I play it because I’m so bored in that office.

The difference is, that if he is gay at all, he’s lost. He will definitely fall in love with me as if he had never lived before, a bit like Leonardo, even though Leonardo is much more complex and had some sort of background. And it would not be certain that I will fall in love with him. Though he is so charming and cute, it would be very difficult to resist.

But one thing that being older and mature bring, is that I can stop myself from loving someone. I can understand that it will lead to disaster before it even begins. The head is controlling the body, not the other way around. It may be sad, but this is where I am at in my life.

I have a life, I have a destiny. It spawns many lifetimes, many relationships, many countries. I am going somewhere and nothing will get in the way of that destiny. I might not know where I am going, but I don’t care. I know what I want, I know what’s good for me. I know where I will be in five years time, because it will be exactly where I want to be.

He’s got no clue of who he is and what he represents. He does not even believe he has any kind of potential. I don’t even think he has any dream or goals in life. I asked him if he could write conference programs, for a report I was writing, suggesting that he should, instead of being the slave of that Chinese girl. He interpreted it as if I did not believe he could. He felt the need to prove to me that he was capable, saying that I doubted he was even intelligent. How cool is that, I ask you?

I had to tell him that I sincerely thought he could be responsible for his own conferences, and get rid of being a slave, an assistant. I don’t think it registered in his brain what I was talking about. He has no idea that I am writing reports for the bosses, on how this whole company should be. I can’t tell them either. The bosses have hired these expensive consultants to change it all, and in the end they will all agree that my suggestions are the way to go. Because I have seen the perfect way to achieve what they are trying to achieve, in many companies I worked for before.

They are not asking for my reports, I write them on my spare time. They obviously did not trust my judgment, my experience. They need to pay big money to have it confirmed to them. I don’t mind, I am beyond caring, since my single idea is to get out of this job. And yet, everything I have written in my reports so far, seems to have been observed. Even before I started. I am only realizing now that they have changed a lot before I arrived, based on my reports.

And now they are addicted, they want more from professional sources. Without understanding that it could only come from someone with the specific experience that they are in. They were not crazy when they decided to get me there in the first place. They knew I could help them change, the way they wanted. They are just incapable of admitting great work when it is there, something echoed by my Valley Girl.

Sad that I will have left them by the time they realize what they had. Sad that they will be powerless to prevent me from leaving when I do, as at that point they would want to say how helpful I have been, and how all my reports were on the dot and will lead to happiness and success. It will be too late then. I did not feel appreciated, I was pressured, I was pushed out. I am leaving with a smile on my face, feeling liberated from that nightmare.

I don’t even think that in the next two months they will be able to change my mind, that place is not a nice place to work. If people maintained themselves for so long, it must be out of necessity, good paying jobs they could not so easily abandon from fears of looking like useless people to the people they’re living with. And a lack of guts to get out there and find a better job.

These small minded people make me sick. I would have thought to meet them in Arkansas or Oklahoma, not in Los Angeles.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 21

Just two beers and I am already feeling drunk and sick. So in order to enjoy my third one, I have decided to write and to plug myself into Depeche Mode’s music. I already feel much better, and ready to drink a few more beers.

Let’s talk about work, nothing happened there today, enough said about that. Let’s talk about Leonardo, he appears to have disappeared from the face of the Earth these last two days. I will admit that I would have liked to hear his voice, even if I don’t feel anything for him. And am I glad that I don’t feel anything for him. It is clear that where he was, was with his 22 year old kiddo who has been calling him non-stop for days now.

Ordinarily this would have sent me into a spin, thank god I don’t care. I have my baby in London. And I remind him all the time now, I am preparing him for the day I will tell him that nothing intimate will develop between us. Which is sad in a way, I can fall in love so easily, but I guess a red headed guy just does not do it for me. And ultimately this might be what will save our friendship and working relationship.

I find it weird that when he was talking about his kiddo, I thought this was all in the past. And suddenly he resurfaced, Leonardo answered the phone, and instantly flew over there. Is it just the drug that gets him there? Free marihuana? Leonardo is desperately poor at the moment, and yet, very much dependent on his drug. With the rich kiddo, they get stoned, Leonardo leaves with 20 dollars worth of stuff.

Well, it could also be that Leonardo is planning to write a book about that Kiddo one day. So he is gathering more info, who knows. The last possibility is that he is still in love, and secretly desires sex, the perk of friendship as the Kiddo calls it. The weird thing is that it is obvious the Kiddo is straight, yet, he was so abused sexually, that it seems that it is the only way he can get whatever he wants from anyone. Or else he has such a strong libido, and sex is so normal to him, that whether it is a man or a woman sucking his dick, does not make much difference. I don’t know.

All I know is that he has my Leonardo under his spell again. And whatever Leo is inventing to justify the why he goes back to the kiddo, it sounds like a lot of bullshit. He is badly in love and desires sex with the young god. And he will get it. And he will suffer again.

He was already so obsessed with that kid, now it is going to take huge proportions. And I am getting tired of hearing about that semi-god who has a bestseller book written after him, and a fucking big blockbuster of a movie coming in less than three months. Kill him, that’s what I say.

And I am not jealous. Imagine what it would be if I were, if I was already in love with the Leonardo. It would be unsustainable, I would have left for England instantly, no matter the bills that would ensue for my contract for the rent. And since my employers can kick me out at a minute’s notice, I can also do the same.

Leonardo is lost. He is restarting his bad relationship with the Kiddo who, sometime ago was threatening to sue him in justice for sex with a minor. He declared himself a jail bait. And yet, Leonardo is running to him again. Ready for more crap from this, as he says all the time, a manipulator.

Well, I was talking before about four dimensional people, people with a past, the fourth dimension being time. Well, now I can talk about a full 10 dimensional Leonardo. His past has caught up with him, he is again walking in the wolf’s mouth.

You would have thought I would have done everything in my power to prevent it, and if love had been part of the equation, you could rest assure that I would have done so. However he would have just not told me anything about it, and still walk the dark path. And anyway, what do I care what he does with his life? I have known him less than three months, he had a life before me. Let him learn from his mistakes. It is obvious that despite of being aware of the dangers, he walks freely towards it, and he would under any circumstances, whatever I could say to prevent it.

I bet you by now he has experienced again the Friend with Benefits thingy. I’m sure they had sex. Maybe it will unfreeze Leonardo, make him understand a few things. Because my trauma with him has certainly been that he has been a block of ice in bed, and freaked out when my dick was on him. God, how many years would be needed to make him accept is homosexuality now? Never, most probably. Unless the Kiddo, his only love and sexual object ever, changes all that. Good luck then, I have other things to concentrate on. I don’t need that bullshit to make my life more complicated than it already is. No Green Monster, no jealousy, be happy with your life.

Usually this is where I would do a comeback on myself and admit that it bothers me terribly. That I want my Leonardo, and that this damn kiddo is taking him away from me. But not this time, I don’t feel like it, I don’t really care.

Tonight I celebrate my independence! Not only from Leonardo, but from Stephen as well. If I am destined to greatness, it is neither of them that will get me there. Only me can achieve that. I don’t need anyone else, and especially, I don’t need to depend on the friends of my friends to get there. Seems to me to be the best way to never go anywhere.

So I don’t care for Leonardo’s friends that I will never meet. The day I will meet them, is the day I will be able to do something for them, and that day, I will let them down badly. Because I have other ideas, a perfect idea of perfection, and I’m afraid to say, it does not include them. I don’t mind how great they are, what they could do for me, I will get there anyway by my own means, by my own intelligence, my own creativity. It will explode, no doubt, never mind if this is only to happen in 10 or 20 years.

I have waited 15 years before getting published. I can wait before exploding all over Hollywood. The concept is so ridiculous anyway, it sounds very much like the dreams of a child. Somehow being here gives it more credibility in the eyes of my parents, but I would have expected them to freak out and laugh out loud if I had not been here, not done what I have already done, and telling them that I am going to Hollywood. Sounds like: I’m going to Disney Land!

Maybe nothing will happen while I’m here. Perhaps I will just go back to London and forget it all. I will be able to say in a few years time: oh yes, I was there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it all. Big deal. My success might never happen via Hollywood. Even if my trade is science-fiction, and who else on the planet has the money to invest in such projects but Hollywood? It does not make sense at all that I would be here for no reason, for nothing to happen in the end. I know that, so I know I’m talking bollocks here.

I imagined that to be much easier. Sucking a few dicks, actually enjoying it (that’s the difference here), and get all my projects produced. Simple! It does not work like that, unfortunately. It could, with the father of the kiddo, he is gay after all, and quite old, and quite successful. But I’ll never meet him, even Leonardo can’t stand the idea of seeing him again. And the son would want to get in the way, he would want to have sex with me just to stop it all. But it would not work. It has been a long time since kiddos had any effect on me.

I don’t want to have sex with someone who does not desire me in the first place. As with Leonardo, it is like having a penis on me, it turns me off. Blackmail would not work either on me, I have nothing to hide, I am pure and innocent, and if someone wants to sue me, let them, I will win every time. I have nothing to lose, since I have nothing to begin with.

But I don’t care much for that complicated scenario. Great ideas are great ideas, they go somewhere, even if it is only in cyberspace. And that’s enough for me anyway. My million plus visitors, is fine by me. Even if I don’t make any money out of it. Being greedy, brings our own destruction. Let it all come out in the open! Let my mind come out! You’ll see how far we can go.

So, I still believe I have a great destiny ahead of me. Funny, especially that despite the fact that I am in Los Angeles, nothing hints at this idea. In fact, everything points out to the biggest failure of all, never going anywhere anytime soon, complete delusion. That’s ok, I lived with that all my life, I can die with my illusions.

Anyway, I have already written a book about my stay in Los Angeles. And instead of taking a year, as it usually takes, I did that in three months. Perhaps this is my legacy.

Even if I haven’t met anyone, did not even get close. Who cares? As I said before, it is the idea, the concept of it that counts. Not what happens once you’re there, not whatever I could write about it.

I am so cynical. I don’t want any label. I don’t want to be a successful writer and be stuck writing boring TV series that I care nothing about. With my big house in the hills, and the big car that costs more than whatever people make in one year. I don’t want that lifestyle. It is too common.

I am the Marginal, I want something more, something better, something that not everyone has already gone through. God, at that point, better disconnect me from reality and plug me into a machine recreating a virtual reality. Anything else but whatever else people have already gone through. I think I still need to go to China or something. And write about it. I don’t know. Maybe I just need to die, it would be so much simpler.

Yes it would.

It does not appear like I will be able to live that Marginal life, that interesting life, I can’t even conceptualize it. I’m so disconnected right now. That’s the alcohol for you. When I think I am reaching the real me, achieving real awareness of my situation. Am I too deep for you? Bastards? I don’t care about you.

Leonardo just called, and lied. Did not take long. He said he did not see his kiddo, I don’t believe it. He saw instead Isabella, the girl who has been after him since they have met recently in a bar. God knows, she may also be a danger to our relationship, perhaps he is still willing to try a girl, since he is so blocked on his gayness.

I would not mind to be in his arms again, see where it could lead. Even if less than an hour ago it was completely unthinkable. Maybe it is the alcohol talking. And maybe the alcohol will be talking this weekend once he is here again and I am drunk. I am getting so desperate for affection, even a red headed guy would do.

It would be different now. It would not be casual sex. It would mean something. It would be weird. It would have a lasting effect. If I could get him to suck my dick now, it would give me a weird sensation, a weird pleasure, because it would not come from a stranger, but from him. We have got closer in the last few months, very close. And this is not infatuation, like it was with the Kiddo.

The truth is, I have no idea what is ahead of me. I’m willing to explore, I do not shut myself down. I am not planning my way out to London. I am going to live what it is that I was supposed to live.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 20

I woke up this morning with the fear of leaving Los Angeles. Like a moment of awareness striking you and telling you: you cannot leave under any pretext, you will regret it. And I have to say, I never thought of how I would actually feel once I am back in London, perhaps in my old job in Westminster, or struggling to start my conference business without any money (as now I have decided that I did not need a loan to start that business, I just need to start selling delegate places and sponsorship deals as quickly as possible, and therefore, I no longer need a business plan, I should concentrate on my conference programs instead).

I would feel bad because this enterprise of coming to Los Angeles for six months would have led to nothing. From my definition of destiny it makes no sense. It is difficult to see where all this will lead, I don’t see myself falling in love with Leonardo, I don’t see my boyfriend in London coming here, I don’t see myself able to continue working in my actual job, I don’t see myself meeting important people in the business, and I don’t see this film script I am working on going anywhere anytime soon. It is a complete disaster, one month away from having to make my decision to leave or stay, for a departure in two months times.

January went by so quickly, it is amazing. We must have passed a patch in space where the time rate was going faster than usual, even this blog has suffered from fewer entries as usual, and I cannot blame Leonardo, I barely saw him this month compared with December and November.

My psychic friend, even though said that he saw me living in this huge house here in the hills in the near future, told me yesterday that he already knows that I will be leaving Los Angeles, that I need to, to realize perhaps that there is nothing for me in London apart from Stephen.

And then, what he does not realize, is that I could never come back to Los Angeles once I go back. It would be impossible. So I have to decide very carefully. And I might not have the luxury of a life changing event in my life to help me decide. I won’t be handed over a big contract in the film industry, I won’t see some sort of possibility for this to come true. So of course I would be thinking of going back to London. That thought is depressing me now.

At least he says he saw that our film script will make it big, it will change our lives. And I think so too now. What started out with another 20 pages I wrote for a film idea, with many new concepts for sci-fi, is now becoming a very well written sci-fi novel by Leonardo.

I told him again yesterday that I did not like to be fidgeting in the background while he writes, he assures me that without me none of this would be happening, since I tell him exactly what to write on a daily basis. I find it amazing myself that I have the whole story in my mind, to the details of every scene.

One cousin in prison, the other in hospital

My mom just called, my cousin is in prison and my other cousin is in hospital, she almost died. One of the other passengers who were in the car accident has many broken things, and the other one, as my cousin who is now in prison, have nothing.

Apparently there was ice on the road. It is so common these car accidents in my region in the North of Québec, it is amazing that we are still all alive today. I myself had quite an accident once, and I thought I was going to die.

What is less usual, well not exactly, but my cousin was three or four times over the alcohol limit, and everyone else in the car were also completely drunk and were only 15 years old.

I then called my sister, who will have her new baby in less than 11 days. She was so hyperactive, in the end she hung up the phone on me, despite the fact that I was quite laid back. I could not believe it. I then called my father, but he was not there. I spoke with his wife, and she said that with pregnant women, it was normal to be freaked out for no reason. She said to call my sister one week after she had her baby to congratulate her, and everything will be forgotten.

Perhaps, but I call my sister once every six months, if she is lucky. I must have called her less than 10 times in the last 15 years. I can assure you that it will be a very long time before I call her again. Even if we love each other very much and are usually very close.

All of this was quite a shock, but I am watching Ship in a Bottle now, Star Trek the Next Generation, the episode about Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty. I thought how great an actor Daniel Davis is, and how perfect he would be in the film script I am working on. And then I did a little bit of research and realized that he was in the TV series The Nanny. I wonder if he could still be the right actor now, if he is going to be recognized as that butler. I would certainly hire him if I could, and if this film is ever made.

So sad that my cousin is in prison now, and the other one is dying in the hospital. My mom was saying that a lot can happen in one day, even in one hour. She is certainly right there. And yet, nothing has happened in my life in the last three months. It is just as well, the only big life changing events that happen overnight, are usually the most destructive ones. The productive events in your life seem to take months if not years to come to any conclusion.

I can be sacked at one minute’s notice

George is finally gone, just like that. He is supposed to come back to help a bit with sales, but he is no longer working here. I have to say, it is one thing to have contracts that can be terminated at one minute’s notice, it is another to leave someone in the hole like that, especially when they have a family and children.

This impossibility to plan your life ahead at least one month in advance, is quite disturbing. Moreover that the guy has been working here for at least 6 years. Unbelievable that after all that, he had no security whatsoever, because apparently he was working on a contract basis.

Well, I have to say that I don't find that very inspiring and I should be prepared any day to be told that I have been sacked. And at that point I am not certain what I will be able to do to pay my apartment and plane ticket, I would just hope that it would come at a time right after I get paid or close to being paid. I have absolutely no motivation today after what I just heard. I feel I will be sacked as well any day now.

However I think that in his case there was more than what we have been told, obviously. I won't be the one to hear about the gossip, that's for sure. I guess the bosses did not know after all that he was developing his business plan for the last two years about that pyramidal scheme of insurance selling. I guess they did not see clearly through his game, they would have realized that he would never have made it in that scheme. Never made any money and probably would never have made the jump.

According to my valley girl, this had nothing to do with him being laid off. And apparently he will get unemployment insurance. And apparently any employer can sack any of their employees at 5 minutes notice without giving real good explanation or justifying it. The employees can do the same.

So I guess that if as an employer you prefer to make sure you can get rid of your employees fast, and don't really care if you lose any of your best employees fast as well, than America is the perfect place for business. I presume it is quite convenient for employers, and I should have known that there would be some sort of capitalist way of doing business here which would be more logical than what Canadians and Europeans have been used to in their cozy little safe jobs.

In those countries, employers often have a damn hard time getting rid of people they don't want or who are useless. And that is why they play this hard game with the personal department where they eventually find a way to make your life so impossible, that you will either leave or they will eventually be able to get rid of you on a stupidity or something.

In a way the American system, even if it leaves you in the shit and does not give you the time to find another job, it certainly spare you the psychological nightmare of going through the long process of being sacked via 3 warnings and multiple hard meetings, etc.

America does not really care about its people, that much is obvious. They would not provide adequate health system, social securities, any sort of security at work or in life, and yet it does collect a high percentage of taxes, and employees still have to pay for their health and dental insurance every month, quite a lot of money actually.

America only cares for what can make money, to make it more successful, the key successful point to be profitable as a whole. They have pushed the ideals of capitalism to the limits, where only companies now have any rights and liberties. And that way they produced a very successful and rich country, with more rich people than anywhere else in the world. They also created a comfortable middle class which profits from all this richness, but are most likely to be slaves to their jobs and living near the depression.

And finally, America has left a lot of people living in such poverty, that there are probably as many people in this country who are hungry right now than what you would find in Africa.

I think it is interesting from the point of view of history to have at least one country that has pushed the idea of capitalism to its limits, and I would not have seen this for myself if I had not come here in the first place. Let's see where all of this will lead them to. Who knows who is right in the end?

Phew, now I can I speak. Before I was at work, so I had to sound nice just in case the Black guy could read. I am so disgusted that he was sacked like that, such a nice guy. I hope he was ready for his new job in that pyramidal thing, even if it is temporary. Hopefully he will make some money there. If he is that successful, perhaps they will give him great potential contracts. Of course, this is if they still believe in his potential, considering that he was sacked.

Bof, I don’t feel like talking anymore. Stephen just called. I was worried for no reason this weekend. He still loves me very much and he is still faithful. And I believe him, at least that’s one person who does not lie to me, so I hope. One person I can actually trust for a change.

Who should have been sacked, it is those two girls, the valley girl and the Chinese one. Who have cost the jobs of so many before through their own incompetence. They successfully blamed their inadequacy on the ones under them. I had quite a conversation with Gloria about them today, she can’t stand them. They sound nice, but they stab her all the time, especially the valley girl.

There is always a bitch in any conference office that will always keep track of everyone’s movement, and will love to make a big deal of if you disappear for five minutes when you were no supposed to. The valley girl is like that. If you go to lunch for too long, she will find a reason to be looking for you and will go and ask everyone in the company where you are and why you are not at your desk, and that you were gone for two hours, etc. I have met them all my life, there is always one like that. And of course, when they are late, no problems, no one is there to do the same to them.

And my valley girl is always late at the moment, she seems to have problems getting to work. And every time, being so perfect, she calls the office to let them know she will be one hour late. And every time we receive an email saying she will be late. I must have 30 of them by now, so she should worry about her own schedule instead of trying to denounce everyone else for the little freedom they try to take back from the company.

I did not have to tell Gloria that I found their voice annoying, that’s the first thing she said. And she even does a great imitation of the valley girl. Gloria did say that the valley girl could be helpful at times, and very nice, and this is also true, I have to admit. She just appears to be incapable of thinking before she speaks, it comes out naturally automatically, and sometimes she can be very rude or insulting. I’m glad I’m not under her, I would have been sacked by now.

One more thing, the lost of our salesman had a horrific effect on all of us. We have all been promoted to salesmen as well. Now I will have to sell sponsorship deals and exhibitor’s space. Something I am certainly not enjoying. Cold calling, asking for money, being hung up on the phone. Not counting how long that will take, considering what we already have to do to finish these conferences in no time.

The one positive thing about this is that I will finally learn the only thing I had not learned in my 10 years in conferences. Sales of SPEX. After that I would guess that I will not be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for money. I might learn a thing or two that will be useful for my future company.

And obviously, all that news today made me want to go home and work on my own business. The only thing that stopped me is Stephen, saying that neither of us will be able to get the money to start that business. Me because of my so-called bankruptcy, and him because, if he puts the apartment for collateral, his parents will never forgive him and will disinherit him. Not counting that his mother had enough of me, and would probably hope by now that I will remain here and Stephen in London.

I have been there before, my first boyfriend and his mother, freaking out when I left for Paris and brought along her son to Paris and London. Her wish was realized, our relationship was over before we came back. But she regretted, me no longer being here. Sebastian slept with something like 50 people and was still depressed, and then met a drug addict that made is life a misery for two years, before finally getting back to normal with someone who looked just like me.

What Stephen’s mother does not know, is that if our relationship ends, Stephen will die of an overdose. And without me in his life for the past 11 years, he would certainly be dead by now. I should have told her that before I left. As it stands, I was hiding in the toilets when she last visited, I could not confront her. I wanted to say goodbye, but she left too quickly. And Stephen was not pleased about that.

I will still do my business plan, you never know.

Could my baby have met someone else in London?

Funny, I woke up today and I tried to reach Stephen. Yesterday he was not there, and today it seems that he is somewhere else again. I was wondering if what I thought would never happen, could have actually happened. Could he have met someone in London?

It would only be fair, considering what I did in L.A., even if it has been a disaster. And now I am ready to be faithful again, even if that means no sex for three months. First because I owe it to him, and also because I understand now that I love him more than I could love anyone else. And I know now that we will get back together one day, whilst when I moved here I considered that this might mark the end of our relationship.

For the last two days he has not been home, and he had a few gay people buzzing around him at work, even though he would never say anymore than that to me. Is it possible that he found someone else? He might have gone to these gay bars, talk with a few people, god knows, it is certainly possible.

Well, good luck for the guy who will end up with him: heroine addiction, crazy behaviors, virtually no sex for weeks if not months without first begging, suffering someone with a verbal diarrhea problem, with more debts than England. Have I covered everything? You can only love someone like that after spending ten years with them and found out about all these little trifles along the way.

At the same time, I have to admit, that if he was to tell me that he has met someone, it would in a way force the issue. It would liberate me from the return to England option. I would not go back there to start a new life, I already have one in Los Angeles. I would feel as lost there than here. And suddenly that great huge house in the Malibu or Santa Monica State Park would not appear so crazy after all. My whole life could change forever and I could be determined to succeed here in Hollywood.

You will note that I am no longer in crisis this morning, I keep a great memory of my little trip of yesterday around town, I’m back to normal. Even if I am still a bit freaked out and that I am not certain what I will do today.

I slept 12 hours. Again I had those weird dreams about my father and my sister. It’s been three days in a row now, never mind the phone bill, I think I will call them both today, something might be going on over there in the North of Canada, and of course if I don’t call, I’ll be the last one to know in six months time when they decide to call.

Going back to work on Monday, makes you wish for an earthquake

Now I think I am going to bed. I’m going to try to forget this day. And tomorrow I won’t do anything, so perhaps the day will seem long, and going back to work on Monday will not come so fast. Another week there might be just what I need to tip me over the edge. When the valley girl will open her mouth to shout with her nasal voice, as she always does, I will have to contain myself to prevent me from hitting her in the face. Because I am reaching my limit of annoyance.

The same with the Chinese girl who has the most annoying and loud voice, while thinking the world of herself, and being so condescending about everyone else. She needs to get back on earth. I don’t know what she has to prove, what she has gone through in her life to reach that point, but she seems blind to the fact that she has turned into a monster and I just can’t bear it anymore.

I will also have to work with the Senior Conference Producer, who is becoming more patronizing by the day with me, when I have as much experience as him, and my conference programs have always looked ten times more elaborate than his, and I worked on them alone.

And yet I am helping him to produce that crap event. And not only that, he also has another Chinese girl working for him on this. What the heck has he done on that conference apart from writing two miserable and meaningless pages that I can’t even understand? It makes no sense, and yet it will bring a hundred delegates because… whatever, the subject is of interest to the people who will attend. Even if they will have to go to Utah for this.

Right, I will need at least one full day to prepare myself mentally to go back there for a whole week. Makes you wish that an earthquake, a hurricane or even bird flu will hit Los Angeles next week, to prevent me from doing so… knowing my boss though, it would not stop him from expecting that conference to be finished within two days instead of a month.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 19

Two days ago Leonardo told me of a dream he had, about going to that kid’s house whom he had sex with and which has turned into a nightmare for him. He dreamt that he went there because he was invited by the kid, but that the father’s kid was there instead. And then the kid came home with a friend, almost creeping in whilst Leonardo was talking about the song he wrote about their relationship in the past. Leonardo said that he did not think the dream meant anything because he did not feel the usual twitching when he woke up, and that it did not seem to be like his other lucid dreams.

This morning he calls me to let me know that yesterday (last night) his dream came true. He went to these people and everything happened just has he dreamt it. Something important must have happened last night, and in the dream he woke up just as the kid arrived. He will tell me all about it later today when we go and meet his other dying best friend, a woman fighting for her life.

Is he lying to me? Is it just that he had sex with that kid again and the only way he could prepare me for it was to tell me he dreamt about it the day before, and in fact, he met that kid two days ago instead of last night? What would be the point of lying about that? To make it more legitimate, part of destiny, that he could not fight against it?

Let’s assume it is true. What was the significance of the dream then? To prepare him? Or was it so emotionally charged and filled with some sort of weird energy, that it crossed into his dreams a few days before? And the dream was useless after all? He could have decided last night to not go there in the first place, he had the dream before. Does it mean that he had no choice but to go, or else the dream would have never happened in the first place? These are all interesting questions.

If after the dream he had decided not to go, then he would have gone back in a time loop in his life and he would never had the dream before. Even though he would have had it, in a different timeline or fluctuating reality where past, present and future mix altogether to become meaningless. Perhaps he can learn to change his life for the better, instead of just walking right through the warnings that he appears to be sending himself in the past.

However I have not heard the story yet, and perhaps something positive will come out of all of this. If he had sex with the kid, it would make it easier for me to tell him that I do not wish to pursue a relationship with him, just friendship. Because this is how I feel like at the moment, but since I don’t know about if my feelings could change in the future, it is difficult to admit to him at this time. He sleeps here tonight, so maybe tomorrow I will feel different. We’ll see.

I just came back from a whole day with Leonardo. I met his friend. We did the usual tour of the canyons around here and a few towns, and Los Angeles.

I was in a weird mood all day. I could have shot myself in the head instead of doing anything today. My deep existential crisis mode came back and lasted the whole day, on the kind of scale I was suffering when I returned to Canada after London, and I simply could not stand it. I was simply depressed and could no longer understand why I was alive and what this whole world we live in meant.

I call this my moments of awareness. And when it happens, I feel I have let myself be blind for quite a while, especially if it has been sometime since I last felt like that. The feeling that there is something wrong with the universe we live in, that it is all a lie, and that there is something else behind all the smoke that we cannot see. Life is just a game that I just do not want to play. And I am nowhere near knowing anything about what is, what I could call the real world, for a lack of a better word.

Funny enough, it might be this film script that we are working on that brought that crisis. Leonardo’s structure of the universe, which by the way goes much further than our own universe, and the idea that I am not allowed to discuss here, might have made me feel that we are much more insignificant that I first realized. And that anything we could ever accomplished in life is completely meaningless and a waste of time.

I can’t believe that yesterday I spent hours working on my business plan to start my own business, that I was all excited at the idea of finally get rid of the boss and making money. And today I fall flat on my face, becoming all philosophical and all, and wondering why I am alive and if it would make any difference at all if I were to die tonight. That’s quite a shift in my thinking, I tell you.

And what is it that prompted all that? I don’t know. Is it that Leonardo met his own kiddo last night, the one he was promising himself he would always stand clear from because he was too dangerous? It had quite an impact on me, I have to say. He was in love with that kid, he obviously still is, it has been less than six months since this whole sexual thing happened between them.

At the same time, I don’t think I could ever love Leonardo, and the thought of sleeping with him again, and that he would sleep here tonight, is perhaps what freaked me out all day. I was going to tell him that I did not want sex tonight, I did not want to try, because I think our first two times together really sort of traumatized me in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.

So I forced myself to tell him that he was probably right to go and see his kiddo last night. And now I simply don’t care what he does. He was still talking about “when we will live together in our house”, and that we would invite friends and he will cook for them, etc. Well, I say that he is either not a psychic medium, or today was just a weird day and eventually I will end up in his arms for many years to come. Something he might have seen already and he is not telling me.

In fact, today, going around the mountains in Malibu was about that. Finding that house he says I will eventually live in that he saw in his dreams. He could recognize the two houses he saw, if he could see them now. So we went around the area he felt it was in, but we did not find the houses.

Funny that we were trying to find out about a vision he had about my future here in the mountains, when today I virtually made my decision that I don’t like it here, I don’t want to live here. And if I have to sacrifice a promising career in Hollywood by going back to London, I thought that this is exactly what I will have to do.

I don’t think anymore that if my baby in London was here with me, everything would be fine. It is not only him that I am in love with, it is the life we have led for the last ten years in all these towns in England. It is also Europe that I am in love with, because I include France and Germany in all of this. After living there for 11 years, nothing can compare with it. Not even the wonderful canyons and mountains of Los Angeles, packed with all these great houses owned by the greatest stars, writers and producers the world has ever seen. I did an overdose of that today, I’m not impressed. I am only starting to recover now, since I came back to my familiar little room in Woodland Hills.

Of course, the worst thing is that this little trip around here, despite the fact that I was mostly not in the mood, will probably still have a great and positive impact on me, becoming more familiar with Los Angeles, and will make it harder for me to leave. I know that.

I recognize places now, we follow the same roads, it is becoming familiar to me. We followed the whole Mulholland Drive, or whatever it’s called, through the mountains, and this should have been the most exciting thing ever for me. Instead I could only think about how lost I was, and could only remember that I am working on a conference happening in Salt Lake City in Utah, such an alien concept to me. Too much exotism that I could bear at the moment, when all I wanted was to barricade myself between my four walls.

The truth is that I did not want to spend the day with Leonardo today. I did not want to meet his dying friend which looked exactly like my grand mother who died a few years ago. I did not want to be in that million dollar house overseeing Calabasas in such a view, that people would kill to live there.

I wanted to jump in the car with my Stephen, and go somewhere in England to drive somewhere. Visit Yorkshire or something. Go to Earl’s Court to a concert, or Brixton, anything. I wanted my life back, see my cats, kiss them, sleeping with them all night long in my arms, as I have been doing for years. That’s what I wanted. And leave behind Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, and that office and conference job I can’t stand. That white building with a few palm trees in the car park. That run I do four times a day with my bicycle to go there and back to my flat.

I think I have reached my quota of being here, it has barely been three months. And it will be another three before I can leave. God knows what can happen in three months, but so far not much has happened, and so I can guess that not much will happen in the next three months. However three months is not really giving it a chance, and six is certainly long enough for something to develop. So I should not jump to any conclusion.

It does not help either that everyone I speak with has been betrayed by most of their best friends, and that people here don’t appear to be nice at all. They all live in this weird state of paranoia, they cannot trust anyone. Well, Leonardo at least, and I just hope that his experience is unique in these matters. I don’t particularly feel the need to meet his friends’ actors and writers at any rate now.

And his love affair that turned sour with that kid simply disgusts me. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t want his deep psychological problems to become mine. They also smoke hashish last night like crazy, and the kiddo gave him some. And today Leonardo felt the need to smoke it twice today in front of me in his truck. And I really did not like it.

My boyfriend in London might be on Heroine, at least I never had to look at him injecting it or smoking it. I never knew about it. That’s another thing I will have to tell him that I don’t want him to do in my presence. And I feel bad about it, because from his point of view it would be like telling him to not smoke cigarettes in my presence.

And I don’t think he told me all the truth about his meeting yesterday. Maybe they had coke, maybe they had sex, maybe god knows what else happened. And it is just a bit too much to be worried about that, when I don’t even like the guy that way. He has become too important in my life, he kind of imposed himself and stole all of my time.

We either speak on the phone for hours or we meet for days. That’s just too much. I want to get back to normal. I want to distance myself from him. I want my life back, even the one I had in Los Angeles before he came into my life. If he can feel any of what I feel right now with his psychic powers, I bet he will have horrible nightmares tonight. Let him call me and ask me if somehow I am not being fair to him. I will tell him all.

His friend that I met today, she said that I was very good looking. I thought he was telling her everything, but she did not know who the kiddo was. I realized I made a mistake there by telling her that Leonardo met him last night. When I asked Leonardo what his other two best friends would say about him seeing the kiddo, he said that he would not tell them about his meeting last night. When I enquired about why, he freaked out and I understood that I went too far in my personal questions. That he was getting annoyed that, for once, he was not the one wanting to speak about the kid, but I was the instigator of the subject. He was annoyed and said that he was not supposed to answer the phone, and that the kiddo insisted three times that he should come over, and he did in the end.

He also said that he would not tell his two other young friends because they would tell him it was a mistake. They have a tendency to tell him what to do and what not to do. And he did not like it. Finally I got something out of him, he was no longer mister nice. He is a human being after all. And I also understood that he tells me much more than he tells any of his other “best friends”.

Let’s talk about those two other young guys with whom he developed an excellent friendship over the years. One is filthy rich via his parents, the other is totally poor and has issues with a terrible family. They are both in their early 20s, are both good looking, and never had, apparently, a real girlfriend before. It sounds to me that they are both gay.

However a lot of the porn of the poor one is composed of women, and the rich one had his first girlfriend ever six months ago, and it will finish next week when she goes back to her weird country. Sounds to me that they are both gay, in the closet, secretly love Leonardo, but since they all have the same psychological problem in accepting their “disorder” as him, none of them are capable to make a move.

No wonder they all want to meet me badly, since they’ve heard so much about me, and how great I am, and how a miracle I have been in Leonardo’s life, even though I feel I have not done anything to deserve any of this. And I feel terrible because eventually I will have to tell Leonardo that I don’t want to develop a relationship with him, and it will hurt him.

At the same time, I think he can happily live with a simple friendship, since sex wise he his blocked in his mind anyway. The thought of having sex seems to repulse him as much as he appears to want it, as he asked to sleep here tonight and I had to tell him that I was in full existential crisis mode and would prefer some solitude to write instead.

Again, his deep psychosis is rapidly becoming mine. And I don’t need that shite right now in my life, not when I already have my boyfriend that I love dearly waiting for me in London. The only thing that is preventing me to call him right now is my last phone bill of $330. And I thought telecommunication in this world was getting better and cheaper, with so much capacity and all, and that the deregulation was going to bring prices down, I almost had a heart attack! It is $100 per hour, simple. Bring me Internet Telephony as quickly as you can, I’ll get rid of my normal land line at the first opportunity. To think that I organized the first conferences on the subject 10 years ago, and that it is still not here now, is a sign of times. The human race is not going anywhere any time soon.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 18

I have frightened the Leonardo tonight. Well, what do you expect? He showed up uninvited again at the same time that I arrived from work. Stayed long enough for me to get very drunk. So in the end he got to see some other side of me. The pessimistic and ugly side of me.

I had to tell him how I did not believe in ever meeting his great friends, and the desire to meet them had nothing to do with us working on that film script. Only him interests me, basically at this time, and what we can create together. Any other option should have been worrying to him anyway, it would mean that I am only interested in him because of his possible contacts, and that I did not care about him in the first place. Not sure if I was able to communicate that to him tonight, I guess not, I was quite off the wall. Too many beers I’m afraid.

The thing is, he is so engrossed in the one project that we are working on at the moment, he thinks there was nothing before it, and that there will be nothing after. For me it is just one project, and we should not forget everything else in parallel, and other projects we should work on. Because that one project we are working on might not go anywhere, and we need something else to fall back on, to believe in, to work on.

Maybe I am the realistic one of the two, when surely he should be the one who knows best in these matters. He has been in more than one hundred films, I don’t care if he only was a figurant or in supporting roles, that’s more than I will ever be able to conceptualize in my life or learn from.

What I tried to make him understand, is that despite the great success of his friends, things are different for us. It will not fall from the sky, hard work is required, and we need to be on the dot everyday and work hard at making anything happen.

Others had it easy, and from the day of their big break, everything just came naturally. Which is far from being our case. In our case, hard work is required, and even then, it might never happen, no matter how intelligent and wonderful it is.

He’s living in another world, where everything happens easily to everyone. While nothing happened to him so easily. Easy to forget when you are surrounded by success, the success of others, even when they are your best friends.

But then again, I am worried for no reason. The guy has it, he is brilliant. He will get us there, no two ways about it. Why he has not achieved that on his own before my arrival is a mystery, because it is obvious that he has it, more than I. He obviously needed a catalyst, and I am it. So it is going to happen now, only because I came into his life, and that is why he fell head over heels over me. Sad when you meet people with so much talent, but need something to trigger it, me.

God only knows where this will end and what will come out of it. I’m listening to Morrissey right now, and he sings about Battersea Park, a song about a fatty. And I have met a guy a long time ago who was adamant that this song was about him. I have so much history myself about Battersea Park, including a love story with the most beautiful and wonderful young man with whom I worked with in Victoria in conferences, that I don’t need Morrissey to dream about that.

And yet, it convinces me that London is for me, and that I will die there. I don’t care about how many years I have to waste in Los Angeles, but one day I’ll be back in London, I’ll live in Battersea Park, and that road that follows the Thames from Earl’s Court to Parliament Square. I can’t live without it, I understand that now. It is just a question of time. And my baby in London is my only connection to it all. I bet he won’t come to L.A. And that I will join him back in time. Might be a year, I’m sure he can wait. As I can.

My baby in London, god, how I love him. He is everything to me, I don’t think I could love anyone else like I love him. I miss him so much, even if it is nice to have some freedom in Los Angeles now. Ultimately I’m going back to him, faithful completely, like it has been for many years before.

Oh dear, I love him so much, I’m crying again. And it is not just him that I love, it is London. And it can only come with him, it is a package. And I see that more clearly now that I have got out of it for a while.

If it is all that Los Angeles is, to meet the right people, then the day you have met them, you can leave right away. This connection will still exist, and then you can go back to Old England, the only livable place there is in this world. And still rip the profit from your eclectic and short stay in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is growing on me, but I doubt it will ever be what London and the rest of England has been able to impress on me. It is too late. I had the time to visit every single town in that country, and this love affair is just beginning. I’m still crying for my huge lost. Nothing could replace it, not even Los Angeles. I’m going back, there is no question about it now, though I’m quite drunk and I may think differently tomorrow. But I would not hope so. Los Angeles pales in comparison to England, there is no question about it.

Everyone I have met here so far, are just not real. They are a caricature of life, and could be described as clowns, totally disconnected from the real life I have come to understand in time. None of them are real, how could they, they are so disconnected, it is amazing. We’re not living in the same world, that much is certain.

And that is talking without even having met the celebrities, the ones supposed to be completely off their head, with nothing in common with anyone of us. I’m just talking about normal people, they don’t appear normal to me, they are something I cannot deal with and that I have no wish to connect with. These are people who don’t really live, they have gone through a lot, and yet, it is meaningless, as they are so disconnected. I can’t explain it.

They do suffer, but it is more like a Hollywood film than real life. That’s the only way I can describe it. As if they suffered, but not really, as long as they have a story that could become a film or something, as if their suffering was not that real anyway to begin with. I don’t know.

They seem plastic to me, I cannot believe any of them, they don’t seem real to me. There is always that idea at the back of my mind that it could do a great movie, and therefore, they cannot live normal lives, and it shows. None of them touches the ground anymore, not sure if they ever did. I don’t like it, this is fake, a fake world.

And I have been so fake myself all my life, you would have thought I would fit perfectly into their world. But I don’t. I don’t care to succeed or die. Better continue my simple life in England then, I do miss it. With my baby, who is very real to me. No pretense, no bullocks, just real life.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 17

Leonardo takes so much of my time, that I can’t even finish my sentences in my own blog. As I was trying to say, he sees our relationship so consummated already that he talks of moving together, when the guy has never yet touched my dick or laid a hand on my body.

At the same time, the guy is a psychic medium which manifests itself in his dreams. He sometimes has vivid dreams and so far he said that they all came true to the detail. So not only he can see the future, but on top of it, he cannot change it. He said that he never tried to change it, so perhaps he could.

Since his father’s death, he never had any more vivid dreams. And before his father’s death he had a whole string of dreams about it, he even blacked out at his father’s funeral and could not remember anything of what happened.

Since I came into his life, he started having these dreams again, and they are now about me. Not my death, and if it was he might not tell me, he said, but about our future together.

He saw me living in a huge house in the hills somewhere around here in California, I was rich and my mother was helping me dress for a special happy occasion. Leonardo was there, planting trees, and in the bedroom where I was looking at the ceiling, feeling guilty about something I had done. Another girl there was saying that I was not being very fair to him. That “him” was the problem.

To whom was I being unfair to? About what? This dream is a vision of the near future, three to five years at most. And Leonardo immediately assumed that the person I was not being fair to was him, when in retrospect it could have been anyone else, including Stephen in London (most likely).

So Leonardo called me this morning, almost in a panic state, asking me what it was that I was not telling him. How was I being unfair to him. Can you believe? He accused me of not really signing the contract agreement between us, that I signed with my three initials only instead of my full name, and therefore voiding the contract. He thought my name was not my real name in the first place.

Is this paranoia that will develop into something that will quickly get out of control? Is it just that he has been so played around in the past by virtually all the people he thought were his friends, that now trust is the most difficult thing for him to give?

My signature is my signature, whether it is my full name or my three first initials. The contract is fine, so it is certainly not what he was seeing in his dream. What could it be then? What is it about? God only knows, until at least he has another dream which will give us more data. And I certainly want to hear about it, because if I will be unfair to anyone in the future, I better be aware of it and make sure it does not happen. My conscience would not allow it, as his dream appears to be indicating.

Will I be forced to be unfair then? Will I have the choice? When dealing with third parties, I might not ultimately be responsible. And yet, feel responsible in some way. At this time we simply have not enough data. However if he has these dreams now, maybe it is more connected to the present than we think. And maybe we have all the data we need. Something needs to be resolved, but what?

The only thing I can think of, is that at the moment I am very much in two minds about him and our future relationship together. Yes, he can be my best friend, he can remain so forever. But can I fall in love with him? Can I enjoy sex with him? I am not so sure. I still love my Stephen in London, I want to finish my days with him no matter what happens here in Los Angeles.

At some point I am afraid to say, I will have to tell Leonardo that I am sorry, but this will remain a friendship. Now, this cannot be said at this time, since I am between two minds and I am no psychic. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, in a few weeks time, or even months. Something might grow between us, I just don’t know. But if yesterday was any indication of the future, and perhaps this is what prompted his vivid dream, then we have a good idea that it just won’t work between us intimately.

It did not help that he arrived here Friday night at the exact time that I came back from work. So I did not have the time to even clean the apartment. He also had to go to the doctor to get his cancer spots burned with frozen hydrogen. So he had all these bubbles over his face and body, and the word cancer spot, even if there is no cancer in this, but could develop in time, is not really appealing.

I was already wondering how I would actually want to be close to him after all that happened the first two times. I am starting to get a blockage as well, from fears that we might do things he might not enjoy.

So when we went to bed, at five in the morning, completely dead I might add, I was not in the mood and he felt bad. He sort of winged that he even used his coconut shampoo to be more attractive to me. It was the whining of a child. I did not know what to make of that.

But I told him he could take me in his arms if he wanted to, and he debated the idea in his mind for quite a while, and decided finally that he would need to have smoke much more grass to do that. He did ask me if I would stop him or reject him if he were to scratch my tummy and grab my dick. I said no, that he was very much welcome to do it.

I was however not in the mood, even if I did not say so exactly. I said I was tired and that we would do more the next morning. And then we did not do anything the next day. It must have left him inadequate, or filled with regrets. I don’t know.

I spent more than 200 dollars in our two days together. I am not usually counting my money, but every time I do at the moment, I know I am one step closer to never buy my used car. It does not matter anymore since my phone bill came in yesterday, and it is $330. So I can no longer buy a car.

We went to eat at Maggiano’s, cost me $70. We went to eat at Bob’s Big Boy on Riverside, another $25. Gas for his car, $20. Cigarettes and alcohol at my place, $30. Gay bar in Studio City, $31. Conversion of a DVD from PAL to NTSC for his actor friend, $65. And every time, I saw my car getting away from me, and I let it all happen willingly.

I don’t blame him, he has no money whatsoever and needs to borrow at high interest rates of 40% just to survive. So I don’t think that he is a leech at all, so that is not exactly a problem. However I will not be able to sustain such expenses in the future, that is certain. And I feel he knows anyway.

Well, at least we had an excellent weekend together, of which I will certainly remember for the rest of my life. We had great discussions about our film script and other ideas. We also went for a whole tour of the studios in Burbank. The Moon in the sky and the black clouds at night (unusual for L.A.) were just so unreal, it could have come out of a vampire Hollywood film.

And he looks just like Ron Howard, and I think people believe he is him. When we were at the Bob’s Big Boy restaurant in Burbank, it was weird to see people looking at us. It gives me some idea of what my life could be in the future if I get to be with known people, though I am not particularly looking forward to it. I hate all that crap of knowing the right people and trying to get into their lives.

Leonardo showed me the apartment of his actor friend, and at first he could not find the place, and pointed out to me the wrong building on the wrong street. My God, when was it last that he met with him? And then the right apartment was showed to me, and it was actually almost identical to the first one, so I believe the mistake was genuine.

In the gay bar in Studio City he was especially interested in “if other people would look at him”. And many did, as he looks like a truck driver, and therefore was the most masculine guy in there. Also that we were in Studio City next to Universal Studios. The place was filled with wannabe actors and one talked to us. Probably thinking that being older than the rest of the crowd, we were some big wig of the industry. When he realized that we were not, he disappeared quickly. I’m telling you, if I ever meet another one of those wannabe actor in my life, I’m gonna start shooting them.

Desperate for a way out

It is fitting that just at the end of last year, a few days ago, I was saying that this New Year would be my best ever. I was of course talking about my potential success in Hollywood. However, the single first idea that seems to have taken shape in my mind on the first day of the year had nothing to do with Hollywood.

What has been on my mind is that I am ready. I am ready to start my own business. And funny enough, it is that I have worked in L.A., and learned about how they do things here, also in my last job where I learned everything about what I will need for my business plan, that I am now ready to start my own conference business.

It is perfect, this is what I need to free myself from any obligations at any time. And in time I will be able to hire someone to do what I am supposed to do in that conference business, and if it becomes necessary for me to work on a film script for a month, it should not be a problem.

It is also after researching a whole conference about venture capital and private equity at work, that I realized that many people out there have more money than they know what to do with it, and are dying to invest in just about any crazy idea out there. And the beauty of it is, that to start a company, you don’t need any money. You just need a good idea and a good business plan.

So I have downloaded the perfect application to help me do just that, and it has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now, even if it has only been a few days. The fact that I have to start working on my first conference at work, and that I would do anything not to start working on that conference, has fueled me into working on my own business plan.

Of course, I think I am as intelligent as my bosses, so why should I be a slave to them, when they made something like a million dollar last year, when I can do the same and have my own slaves?

Obviously I am not taken the easy route. I won’t be doing business or corporate conferences, which would ensure a lot of revenue. I am heading towards the mass market, the paranormal, the new age stuff, psychics and theoretical physics. I could seriously fail in my venture. But being my own boss of a company I care nothing about is not my idea of fun.

I have to contribute to something I believe in, that motivates me. I don’t want to fall asleep in the conference rooms of my own events. I want to be passionate about what it is all about. This has nothing to do with making money, it is about having the freedom I want and make enough to survive whilst still doing what I want to do in life.

I will not be able to charge $3,000 per delegate, like most companies I worked for. And many times, we barely broke even and get back our investment. I will need to charge as little as possible, and still manage to make a profit. I feel that I might then get more people than just the magic 100 delegates we have always been reaching for, to cover our cost. I will need at least 200 delegates to get back my money, but then I am counting on exhibitors and sponsors to make a profit.

I need to start slowly, only Stephen and I will work on this at the beginning so it does not cost me $60,000 per conference. And eventually, as we get more money, I will hire telesales and sponsorship people. I can take care of everything else with Stephen.

And this means that this business will be based in England, though I am dying to host an event in Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Even Paris. That will be my playing field, which is quite large actually, considering that I will start with no database whatsoever.

I will need a good marketing budget, £12,000 at least per event. I am even considering not printing anything and not posting any flyers. I wonder if everything can be done electronically, and advertisement with associations’ members and magazines.

To be safe, I need a budget of £40,000 per conference, and I need enough money to do three conferences in the first year. All sensibly related to the same subject, so I don’t have to triple my costs in all areas. Working on one event will be like working on all three at the same time.

One conference, the big one, will take place in London. The second, more ghosts oriented, will be in York, and the third one, I don’t know yet. Maybe Manchester or Brighton. Maybe even in Dublin or Wales. Oh, that’s it, Edinburgh! Yes, Edinburgh in Scotland. And I will arrange for a visit to the catacombs for all my delegates. Like in London I will plan a night out in some haunted place, preferably in the unused tunnels of the Underground. And York, simply a visit of all the haunted place, tours are already in place.

I am so excited about all this, I can barely wait to write the conference programs. And this is a first for me, because in the last ten years, I always did everything else but write my conference agenda. And the thing is, it would have made my life so much easier to forget everything else and concentrate on the program from the start. Human nature, I hate writing conference programs on subjects I care nothing about, when the profit goes to someone else.

So I need £200,000 to start my business. And within a year I need to have gotten back that money with my three conferences. Seems unrealistic, I will have to cut corners. If I don’t provide food, and I should not be expected to do so when charging so little to attend, I might get away with costs of £30,000 per conference.

I could do it all for £120,000, the extra £30,000 would be to pay the rent, cars, our own food and bills. But I want to be on the safe side, so I will need £200,000 just in case. And keep the extra money for the fourth event.

Once again my blog (and writing my books) helps me to figure out important stuff. Sounds like a plan. And now I am dying to write that business plan and go back to England to start working on this project.

It would be reassuring to know that I can count on my credit rate in the U.K., but it is zero. It would also reassure me to know that I could count on family, but either they don’t have the money or they have rated me as some crazy person a long time ago and would certainly not trust any of my decisions.

Even Stephen at the beginning will not even leave his job, I will be all alone to work on this. I feel that somehow I will make it come true and make a nice profit. That’s the difference between being a slave, or your own boss with the need to survive.

I will tell the bank that I need three years to make my first profit, so it will give me some time to get this company somewhere without too much stress. It is well known that it is in the second and third year running for any event to become huge. And that is what I plan to build in time. The most important conferences on any of the subjects that I will take on.

And I don’t care about competition, I have produced too many conferences in my lifetime which had sensibly the same program and speakers than a dozen other conferences in the same town, and yet, we made a good profit. Perhaps we did not have the same delegates, but we certainly had the same sponsors and exhibitors, and those want as many conferences on the subjects they are interested in as can be.

So, in retrospect, my ten years working in conferences might not be wasted after all. I am 33 years old, still quite young. It is very much worth diving into the unknown of having my own business. I could be working another 37 years for others if I don’t do something and if I have to retire at 70, as it seems very likely now. And if my great topics for conferences don’t work very well, I can change instantly to better and more profitable areas, even if I dislike the topics, and then I will insure my future.

The only thing that could stop me now, is the film script I am working on. If somehow that gets sold, it would certainly change my life and I can forget about conferences forever. I am in Hollywood, and I am connected, so it could get sold. But at the moment I cannot wait to find out, I need to plan my way out, I need to build my future.

And I already have the name of my future company: The Marginal Conferences. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And I will film the conferences and publish books about what will be said at the events. So the ultimate name will be The Marginal Productions, and there will be The Marginal Films and The Marginal Publishing. And eventually, perhaps, who knows, The Marginal Grocery Store and the Marginal Bank, but these will be non-profit organizations to help the planet. One can dream!

If I was a bit more adventurous, my company would be called The Crowned Anarchist Productions Company, and The Crowned Anarchist Conferences. But somehow too many squeamish people would be stopped by that. So I can’t afford it for my business. Oh well, who cares anyway? It might never see the light of day.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 16

Oh dear, I smoked more than one pack of cigarettes today. That means at least $150 a month I spend on that, not even counting what it does to my health.

My new boyfriend must be about to call me. It is 9h20 pm, he should be getting up soon. He lives at night, you see.

He calls me the next best thing that ever happened in his life, I believe. He told his closest friends about me already. They are all happy for him. He already talks of moving closer to me, and what he means, is moving in my flat.

I can understand that nothing would keep him in his miserable room, even though he has been living there for many years, and developed a special relationship with the owner, a Jewish woman who has been more than understanding with him. Letting him work around the house instead of paying his rent. And now he will start paying again in March, and I bet he would much rather move in with me, as he has hinted many times before.

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 15

Only three days have passed since my last entry, and yet, I feel it has been more than a week.

I wrote 8 more pages for the script, we are now at 20. He wrote 4. He took forever, but my, it is in the style of a novel, and even poetry. When I read that this morning, I fell off my chair.

First I thought this would not do, our styles are way too different. This is a film script, let’s be practical about it, we’re not writing a novel or poetry. Then I felt inadequate, English is after all my second language, and I certainly could make an effort to write like him, but I don’t want to. It is the same in French, I want to write what comes naturally, I don’t want this to become painful.

The result is of course that some people see in both my French and English, nothing that could be considered literature. And yet I claim to be an author, I have six books published in Paris, I have even written more in English than most authors in their lifetime.

Sometimes it comes back to haunt me, that perhaps I am no author after all, that I simply cannot write in an interesting style. Then I could just try, make an effort, but I don’t want to. I would prefer to top writing altogether, so it is a no win situation.

Some sort of compromise will have to be reached. I will have to polish my style, and he will have to get down a notch in the literary work. Or else, he will have to rewrite everything I write. And it seems to be what he has chosen to do. At the moment, based on all my descriptions of the characters and my main timeline of the events (the short synopsis), he is writing the long synopsis and the story in detail.

This is something I never thought could actually happen. I have never met before anyone who could actually write or really contribute in a writing partnership. I have always been the one doing everything, or almost. Well, that is not true, let’s just say that I was not expecting him to take over what I thought I would be doing and that I had been doing so far.

In a way, it is remarkable, especially coming from someone who looks like a truck driver (and he has a truck), or a construction guy with no intelligence. In fact, he appears to be that genius guy who can be creative and excellent at everything he does. And that in itself makes me feel inferior. Something I never felt before, as I had never met anyone I thought was better than me, despite my doubts about my abilities sometimes.

The truth is, I need that guy. Without him, without his inspiration and talent with English and at writing, and even the music for the film, and his contacts, and god, what else, there is no way in hell I could even achieve anything here in Hollywood.

At the same time, I also feel that without my determination, my hard work, my 16 pages written in less than four hours, my whole thinking process, all my ideas which were able to bring all our theories and other inventions together, he could not go anywhere either. I am the fire in his belly. I am the catalyst. Just as he seems to be for me.

Could it be possible? That each on our own could not accomplish great things, but together we will lay that huge egg that could actually rival The Matrix series? Because our film script at the moment is so complicated, and so ingenious, that it could be compared to The Matrix. Not a poor copy, but an equal. And yet, we did not draw any inspiration from it. I am just talking in terms of scale of the project.

We could also just be dreaming, and this is also important. To be pretentious enough to believe that we could create a revolution and write something as huge as the best sci-fi films out there. Better not think too much about that now, let’s just concentrate on the job at hand.

We have not mentioned again his love declaration since it happened. We have only talked about the script. Tomorrow he is sending stuff to his friend actor about me, we were supposed to send what we have so far about the story. But we have decided to work a few more days on it, for greater impact, also because we have discovered that what he has written so far is so good, even it is all based on what I have written and my own ideas, at the same time, he can transform it into something much better. I’m still learning I guess. I just hope I’ll be able to do the same in my other projects, once I’m working on my own. Or else, I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life.

Or his life, which should not be long anyway because of his heart problems. Same for his friend actor, he discovered today that he has a tumor, and perhaps cancer got in there. This is just great, they will all be dead before the movie gets into production… Perhaps I should stop being creative, maybe there is a link with your life span. Everyone seems to be dying at the moment around my friends, at times it seems it is all they can talk about. And since I have never really experienced that, I can be pretty insensitive at times. I am still living under the illusion that I am immortal, and that everyone else is as well. The others who dies, they are never connected to me, or to the people I live with, it only happens to others and you read it in the newspapers in between the sports results, something else that is totally meaningless to me.

Today I had some sort of memory that came back to me. When we were going around Los Angeles in his truck, and we passed some attraction park on a pier. I saw that again in the movie Bean, and today it all came back to me. These few seconds on the road, actually meant something to me. I could be developing feelings for him, and yet I would not sacrifice my boyfriend for him.

Could I get to that point? Could I fall in love as well? It would certainly make everything much easier for both of us, for both our careers. It is adding a new dimension to it all. Well, he is certainly all that I could hope for, apart from being a Ginger Kid. Even that I was able to get over quite early on. He is a strong man, with strong hands, a well built body, and a bit stupid when it comes to computers and other areas of life like love and sex.

This is so cute, this is charming. He will also do anything to please me, never contradicting me, and yet he is very honest. He is such a nice and great guy, and I am almost realizing at the same time that I am writing it now. But to replace my baby who is alone now in London? I don’t want to! I’m already in love!

Is this not what I wanted in the first place? Is this not what I wished for and dreamt about for many years? It is now all coming true, and I am fighting it, with all I have.

I thought for a second that the Kiddo could have been it, and I have to admit that I wanted it, I built a whole romance around him which has been systematically destroyed by him. He is 53, not 43. He does not look like the photo I had of him. He still has a great voice, and god knows, I will use him for voice over if I can in a video game or a film at some point, but he is ultimately a liar. He again invented a whole story about waiting for a plumber and a mess in his apartment in order to avoid coming here on Sunday. And Saturday it was his famous aunt again who wanted to see him and his sister. And I am sorry, it is just too much, too many times. Something else is going on, and at this point, I don’t event want to know.

It is obvious that destiny is rushing him out of my life as quickly as possible. He served his purpose, he helped me survive the first two months where I was so desperate and alone, I could have gone back to London on a whim, like my boss spitting on me yet again. When it is so important that I try to forget about that and concentrate on what I am here for, to write!

At least what I am writing now for this blog, is different from last year, what I was writing then. Something big was missing, obviously. And it could be just the beginning. Soon I might have a lot more to say here, once I meet these people. And it takes forever, no wonder people drop dead here and there in L.A., they just can’t wait anymore for anything to happen. They have the time to die before anything actually happens. Just give me 100,000,000 dollars, and I will show you what can happen, and how fast it can happen.

I will produce a full scale sci-fi film faster than producing a miserable two day conference with 20 speakers on the program. The project will be so massive, it will surpass even the construction of those gas pipelines in Alaska. I will hire the planet! And we will build that spaceship for real, and I will ship myself outside the universe in the process instantly. How nice would that be…

I am beyond the dream now, I will actually get that spaceship built for real. I can certainly dream that, with all that I thought of to actually make it credible, I might just invent the real thing in the process.

All the stars in the Universe, beware, cos’ I’m comin’!

Kiddo Blog in L.A. 14

I cannot believe what I have heard tonight! This is just too much!

Dear me, it is nearly 3 am, I am working tomorrow, and yet I have to write down here what happened to me last weekend and tonight. Because both these crisis are so at opposite ends, that I cannot understand how in hell I could have been so blind.

Never in my life did I meet someone I simply could not read. And yet, all these possibilities have ran through my mind, it is why after all I invited Leonardo over last weekend. Leonardo is my musician from North Hollywood. I decided to give him a name tonight, a name he actually likes and that is also part of his real name.

That is why I invited him for a long night discussion that I knew would have terrible repercussions over my life. Sure enough, the next day he was still in my apartment when I had Stephen in England freaking out because he could not reach me, at a moment of crisis where his phone had been disconnected, with no way for him to pay the bill until I had cleared out with British Telecom that they had overcharged us by at least £79.

At the same time, the next morning, Monday morning after the New Year, was the day my Kiddo was supposed to come over. And at 2 pm Leonardo was still in my flat, I could not get rid of him, and I had so many things to sort out. I also had to pay for my apartment and my own phone bill here in Los Angeles before they decided to just kick me out.

It is of course that I did not really care for the Leonardo apart from interesting conversations. That is all he could have provided at that point in time. I had already gone into bed with him once, and I was still wearing the scars of that famous embarrassing night where I have humiliated myself to a level I never though I would reach in my lifetime. Well, the second time around was even worse, if that is at all possible.

He picked me up early in the morning and we went to a car auction somewhere on Venice Boulevard. It was a big scheme of lies and pressure tactics to sell cars and we spotted it all immediately, so we left quickly.

We went to Venice Beach, walked around the little shops, walked on the beach, it was raining heavily, it was cold, and the waves were huge. You would have thought it was real winter and that it would stay that way for months, but today it was back to summer again, on the 6th of January. It was so nice outside, I could have swam at Venice Beach.

After that we went through the canals in Venice, and walked in front of the house of his famous friend, the writer of science fiction, the biggest ever, which I am still supposed to meet eventually, and that will be my open door to the greatest success ever. I never believed it for a second, and yet, it was pretty concrete when we were there, on the canal, looking at the empty house. And yet, I did not care at all to meet that guy, I never thought I would. Now I think differently and I will eventually tell you why.

We then went to eat in a restaurant serving mainly chicken, so there was not much for me to eat. And I invited him to my place for a coffee. I felt like it, I was hoping somehow we would end up in bed and that this time it would be different.

I don’t know what went through my mind, I must have been crazy to think it would be any different from the first time, where he was just a plank of wood on the bed. But this is human nature, hope and faith, so I invited him.

We took the scenic route. We came back to Topanga Canyon Boulevard via the Californian coast, visited Topanga in the mountains, one of the most beautiful village I have ever seen in my life.

A little further down we stopped somewhere to look at the canyon and the mountains, and I knew this was what I needed to see, to appreciate, to witness. And it is so close to me, and yet unreachable without a car. I truly loved it.

So back in Woodland Hills, we talked, and we talked, and we talked. At least we talked about our film script that we are now working on together. I had told him the whole story in my mind that his structure of the universe had inspired me, and it was a starting point.

Eventually it was time to go to bed. What a mistake that was. He was again completely frozen. This time I decided to suck his dick, as he mentioned that, and he also did mentioned it last time. But he was so cold and out of passion of any kind the previous time, I never went that far then. This time I did.

He said he liked it, but that’s all, and I don’t even believe him. I really did want to take him in my arms, share any kind of affection with him, but it was obviously a one way thing. I was embarrassing myself. The guy had no interest in me whatsoever, and yet, he let all that happened, he came to bed with me. What the fuck!?

I forgot to say that before that, that night, I was in my underwear all night with a T-Shirt. However it was not supposed to be sexual. The guy stays in my place over 24 hours at a time, I cannot treat him like a guest, I have to go on with my normal life while he is here. Simple.

But he took his shirt off and stayed like that all night. And yet I thought this was just because he thought this is what I wanted. He was just trying to please me, as he is a kind of guy who cannot say no and will do anything he can to please you.

At some point in bed I became more adventurous. I had my dick over his and I kissed him on the lips. Just that, no more. It did not seem to mean anything at the time, but it did a few days later, so I have heard tonight.

And do you know how this second night in my bed ended? I had my dick on him and he freaked out! He said: I don’t want a penis on me, it is a real turn off for me!

Now, please, tell me, who in this world could continue to have sex with a man who would tell you something like that? No one in the real world, that’s for sure. So we went to bed after that, I can assure you.

The guy cannot feel a dick on him without having a panic attack? Gosh, he must be straight then, but then, he does not like women! He must have the biggest blockage possible in his mind then. And that is even worse!

I was shaken by this whole thing. The next day I had only one idea, to get rid of him as quickly as possible so I could move on with my life which, because of him, was already going into the gutter.

I don’t sleep anymore, I cannot communicate with my Kiddo or my boyfriend, I can’t even pay my bills since I never get the chance to go to reception. I waste long weekends I could have used to write, just to talk to the guy. A nightmare.

So the next day I told him, I said that we will never again be intimate. It is clear he does not desire me, or even if he does, he is so blocked psychologically that I thought, good luck to any guy who will have sex with him, it will be a disaster. And thank god, I thought, I will be nowhere near them when it happens sometimes in the future.

So time passed, I actually wrote eight pages of that script we discussed, a friend of his had the time to die in between and he spent two days with the wife (that is the second time he tells me one of his friend dies and the wife suddenly calls to him for a shoulder to cry on), and then he read what I wrote.

I was not expecting anything, I thought he would say it was all crap. It seems that it opened the floodgate. The floodgate of truth. Came a bit late, I have to say, and at such an unexpected moment, that I am totally confused and don’t know what to do nor can I understand the implications.

Tonight the guy told me he was in love with me! He said I love you on the phone! I could not believe it. Of course, that came after everything else he finally admitted, and as I thought, all of this was not meaningless, something did happen between him and I.

What I did not know, what I could not suspect, is that it had a much more profound impact, and was running much deeper, than I could have ever guessed.

I think telling him that nothing intimate should ever again happen between us, and that he should definitely try to meet a guy on that dating website, that was it for him. It was like telling him that I could no longer put up with this, and that I was not willing to. What we have would remain a friendship and a working relationship, that’s it.

I think he then went into panic mode. He clearly never intended to meet anyone else, as he was claiming before. What he wanted all along, was what I suspected, and yet, he managed to convince me that it was not the case.

He wanted to unfroze, take me in his big arms, kiss me, whatever, but he could not. Something to do with his parents who were too distant and cold, and the straight guys with whom he had sex before, where showing any affection would be laughed upon and destroy everything. Because apparently, having sex with straight guys, is just about sucking each other’s dick and that’s it. Anything else would be considered being gay, and that is just not acceptable.

Oh God, why do you send me such a retard? A word he cannot actually stand, and when I use it, he corrects me, I need to say mentally handicapped people. And that’s what he is.

So tonight he said that he cared about me much more than I could imagine or be aware of. That was news to me. Nothing ever at any time suggested any of that. And now we have jumped just about any steps in between, the guy is in love with me!

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know where I stand now with my Kiddo and my boyfriend. This was unexpected to say the least. And he even had the guts to insult me. He said that for one full hour that last weekend, he observed me very carefully. This is when he realized that he loved me, that I was somehow very beautiful inside and outside, and that the only thing that was stopping him, was that I was a bit overweight. Well, at least, when I get the truth, I certainly do get it fully. And the thing is I have lost weight since I’m here, a lot, without even trying. Probably because I am so freaked out by what I did, by coming here in the first place, and I am so lost.

And now he seems to have been able to go over that little problem, since everything else about me is so perfect, apparently. What he saw in that hour, I reckon, is what my Kiddo saw instantly after seeing me for less than a minute. My eyes and my smile. The brightness of my eyes. It seems to be able to have quite an effect.

And my Kiddo fell in love right there. It is just unfortunate that his sister keeps him home, or whatever else he has not told me yet. Because it is clear that he wants to come back, but cannot or is stopped by something else, and I don’t think it is a lack of time.

So I pretty much already thought it was not going anywhere with the Kiddo. And yet, if he wants and can meet me this weekend, I won’t say no. And I told Leonardo about that, and I certainly don’t feel guilty since his admission came a little bit sudden and late. I had already decided that we would never again be intimate, and I was quite adamant about it. I’m not in love, you see…

Which means that this guy, sometimes in the future, will suffer terribly. Because I will let him fall in love completely, for a relationship that I know will never go anywhere. I won’t be able to love him back, I know that. And I certainly don’t want an icicle for a boyfriend. For once, I can truly say, I would prefer my porno CDs. It will definitely be more enjoyable.

He wants to learn, at 43. He wants to learn to appreciate sex, something I am quite convinced that is now beyond his reach. He wants to have his first French kiss ever with me, and somehow I feel it will actually disgust him.

Am I willing to do that? To teach him to actually enjoy something that seems to go against his nature? I tell you, I thought he was either straight or that my overweight problem was just too much for him. I thought he would meet the right guy and all his blockage would end. I’m not so sure anymore.

At the very least, after all that he said tonight, I can expect him to actually move a mussel next time he sleeps in my bed. I might even hope that he will take me in his arms. Can I now hope that he will actually enjoy it? God knows.

Can we fall in love with someone, and yet, not desire them sexually? Is he repeating the same pattern that he did with his only true love with that first girlfriend he had? He wanted so much to love her, to enjoy sex with her, and of course it never came true since he was gay. Now I feel that after 43 years, he is so screwed up, that there will be no difference between me and her.

I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I don’t feel like it. I want to enjoy sex. That is anyway the only reason why I am not faithful at the moment whilst I am in Los Angeles. That my sex life with my boyfriend has become inexistent over the years.

Sex with Leonardo is worse than being inexistent, it is a traumatizing experience. Of being told that a dick on him puts him off. And dear me, I have not even tried to French kiss him yet. And he speaks of that simple kiss on the lips I gave him as some sort of milestone in his life. Please, give me a break!

Well, he did say that in his mind, on that level, he was just like a kid. Perhaps this is the secret of writing great film scripts. Perhaps this is all the innocence you need to describe what love is, in a way that none of us, normal people, could ever understand. Maybe we skipped that step altogether, or it happened for one long second when we were 18, and now it is completely forgotten. I certainly have no clue myself about what love is. For that matter, I’m not sure if I am still capable of feeling anything.

I don’t want to think about the consequences of what he has admitted tonight. I just understand that for him, it was the hardest thing he ever did in his entire life. I’ve got to be sensible about this, I’ve got to be careful not to hurt him.

I can’t believe that all this time I thought he was trying to spare me, that he was trying to not hurt me and my feelings, and that is why I thought he went that far. But perhaps it was his initial idea, and then he got caught at his own game. One hour of intense observation was all that he needed to change his mind about me. And suddenly, the world he lives in, has changed. Love, real love, got into the equation. And now, probably, he is even more screwed up than he ever was.

Poor him. And I do feel bad about this. I do not wish to be part of someone else suffering. I do not want to be the object of such attention when it is not reciprocated and especially with someone that I had surmised as completely out of order when it comes to the matter of love and sex.

God knows where this will end. What will happen next. What I will be thinking and saying here after the weekend. And actually, this frightens me.

Funny enough, when I told my mother that I had met this guy in Los Angeles, and that we would be working on a film script, the first question she asked me was: is he gay, is there anyway you two could fall in love? And when I said no, she was disappointed.

She said it would have been nice for me to find love and some sort of secure relationship here in L.A. When I reminded her that I did not need that, that I had my boyfriend in London, a relationship of 10 years, it did not seem to have any effect on her. Another mystery of life…