Kiddo Blog in L.A. 14

I cannot believe what I have heard tonight! This is just too much!

Dear me, it is nearly 3 am, I am working tomorrow, and yet I have to write down here what happened to me last weekend and tonight. Because both these crisis are so at opposite ends, that I cannot understand how in hell I could have been so blind.

Never in my life did I meet someone I simply could not read. And yet, all these possibilities have ran through my mind, it is why after all I invited Leonardo over last weekend. Leonardo is my musician from North Hollywood. I decided to give him a name tonight, a name he actually likes and that is also part of his real name.

That is why I invited him for a long night discussion that I knew would have terrible repercussions over my life. Sure enough, the next day he was still in my apartment when I had Stephen in England freaking out because he could not reach me, at a moment of crisis where his phone had been disconnected, with no way for him to pay the bill until I had cleared out with British Telecom that they had overcharged us by at least £79.

At the same time, the next morning, Monday morning after the New Year, was the day my Kiddo was supposed to come over. And at 2 pm Leonardo was still in my flat, I could not get rid of him, and I had so many things to sort out. I also had to pay for my apartment and my own phone bill here in Los Angeles before they decided to just kick me out.

It is of course that I did not really care for the Leonardo apart from interesting conversations. That is all he could have provided at that point in time. I had already gone into bed with him once, and I was still wearing the scars of that famous embarrassing night where I have humiliated myself to a level I never though I would reach in my lifetime. Well, the second time around was even worse, if that is at all possible.

He picked me up early in the morning and we went to a car auction somewhere on Venice Boulevard. It was a big scheme of lies and pressure tactics to sell cars and we spotted it all immediately, so we left quickly.

We went to Venice Beach, walked around the little shops, walked on the beach, it was raining heavily, it was cold, and the waves were huge. You would have thought it was real winter and that it would stay that way for months, but today it was back to summer again, on the 6th of January. It was so nice outside, I could have swam at Venice Beach.

After that we went through the canals in Venice, and walked in front of the house of his famous friend, the writer of science fiction, the biggest ever, which I am still supposed to meet eventually, and that will be my open door to the greatest success ever. I never believed it for a second, and yet, it was pretty concrete when we were there, on the canal, looking at the empty house. And yet, I did not care at all to meet that guy, I never thought I would. Now I think differently and I will eventually tell you why.

We then went to eat in a restaurant serving mainly chicken, so there was not much for me to eat. And I invited him to my place for a coffee. I felt like it, I was hoping somehow we would end up in bed and that this time it would be different.

I don’t know what went through my mind, I must have been crazy to think it would be any different from the first time, where he was just a plank of wood on the bed. But this is human nature, hope and faith, so I invited him.

We took the scenic route. We came back to Topanga Canyon Boulevard via the Californian coast, visited Topanga in the mountains, one of the most beautiful village I have ever seen in my life.

A little further down we stopped somewhere to look at the canyon and the mountains, and I knew this was what I needed to see, to appreciate, to witness. And it is so close to me, and yet unreachable without a car. I truly loved it.

So back in Woodland Hills, we talked, and we talked, and we talked. At least we talked about our film script that we are now working on together. I had told him the whole story in my mind that his structure of the universe had inspired me, and it was a starting point.

Eventually it was time to go to bed. What a mistake that was. He was again completely frozen. This time I decided to suck his dick, as he mentioned that, and he also did mentioned it last time. But he was so cold and out of passion of any kind the previous time, I never went that far then. This time I did.

He said he liked it, but that’s all, and I don’t even believe him. I really did want to take him in my arms, share any kind of affection with him, but it was obviously a one way thing. I was embarrassing myself. The guy had no interest in me whatsoever, and yet, he let all that happened, he came to bed with me. What the fuck!?

I forgot to say that before that, that night, I was in my underwear all night with a T-Shirt. However it was not supposed to be sexual. The guy stays in my place over 24 hours at a time, I cannot treat him like a guest, I have to go on with my normal life while he is here. Simple.

But he took his shirt off and stayed like that all night. And yet I thought this was just because he thought this is what I wanted. He was just trying to please me, as he is a kind of guy who cannot say no and will do anything he can to please you.

At some point in bed I became more adventurous. I had my dick over his and I kissed him on the lips. Just that, no more. It did not seem to mean anything at the time, but it did a few days later, so I have heard tonight.

And do you know how this second night in my bed ended? I had my dick on him and he freaked out! He said: I don’t want a penis on me, it is a real turn off for me!

Now, please, tell me, who in this world could continue to have sex with a man who would tell you something like that? No one in the real world, that’s for sure. So we went to bed after that, I can assure you.

The guy cannot feel a dick on him without having a panic attack? Gosh, he must be straight then, but then, he does not like women! He must have the biggest blockage possible in his mind then. And that is even worse!

I was shaken by this whole thing. The next day I had only one idea, to get rid of him as quickly as possible so I could move on with my life which, because of him, was already going into the gutter.

I don’t sleep anymore, I cannot communicate with my Kiddo or my boyfriend, I can’t even pay my bills since I never get the chance to go to reception. I waste long weekends I could have used to write, just to talk to the guy. A nightmare.

So the next day I told him, I said that we will never again be intimate. It is clear he does not desire me, or even if he does, he is so blocked psychologically that I thought, good luck to any guy who will have sex with him, it will be a disaster. And thank god, I thought, I will be nowhere near them when it happens sometimes in the future.

So time passed, I actually wrote eight pages of that script we discussed, a friend of his had the time to die in between and he spent two days with the wife (that is the second time he tells me one of his friend dies and the wife suddenly calls to him for a shoulder to cry on), and then he read what I wrote.

I was not expecting anything, I thought he would say it was all crap. It seems that it opened the floodgate. The floodgate of truth. Came a bit late, I have to say, and at such an unexpected moment, that I am totally confused and don’t know what to do nor can I understand the implications.

Tonight the guy told me he was in love with me! He said I love you on the phone! I could not believe it. Of course, that came after everything else he finally admitted, and as I thought, all of this was not meaningless, something did happen between him and I.

What I did not know, what I could not suspect, is that it had a much more profound impact, and was running much deeper, than I could have ever guessed.

I think telling him that nothing intimate should ever again happen between us, and that he should definitely try to meet a guy on that dating website, that was it for him. It was like telling him that I could no longer put up with this, and that I was not willing to. What we have would remain a friendship and a working relationship, that’s it.

I think he then went into panic mode. He clearly never intended to meet anyone else, as he was claiming before. What he wanted all along, was what I suspected, and yet, he managed to convince me that it was not the case.

He wanted to unfroze, take me in his big arms, kiss me, whatever, but he could not. Something to do with his parents who were too distant and cold, and the straight guys with whom he had sex before, where showing any affection would be laughed upon and destroy everything. Because apparently, having sex with straight guys, is just about sucking each other’s dick and that’s it. Anything else would be considered being gay, and that is just not acceptable.

Oh God, why do you send me such a retard? A word he cannot actually stand, and when I use it, he corrects me, I need to say mentally handicapped people. And that’s what he is.

So tonight he said that he cared about me much more than I could imagine or be aware of. That was news to me. Nothing ever at any time suggested any of that. And now we have jumped just about any steps in between, the guy is in love with me!

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know where I stand now with my Kiddo and my boyfriend. This was unexpected to say the least. And he even had the guts to insult me. He said that for one full hour that last weekend, he observed me very carefully. This is when he realized that he loved me, that I was somehow very beautiful inside and outside, and that the only thing that was stopping him, was that I was a bit overweight. Well, at least, when I get the truth, I certainly do get it fully. And the thing is I have lost weight since I’m here, a lot, without even trying. Probably because I am so freaked out by what I did, by coming here in the first place, and I am so lost.

And now he seems to have been able to go over that little problem, since everything else about me is so perfect, apparently. What he saw in that hour, I reckon, is what my Kiddo saw instantly after seeing me for less than a minute. My eyes and my smile. The brightness of my eyes. It seems to be able to have quite an effect.

And my Kiddo fell in love right there. It is just unfortunate that his sister keeps him home, or whatever else he has not told me yet. Because it is clear that he wants to come back, but cannot or is stopped by something else, and I don’t think it is a lack of time.

So I pretty much already thought it was not going anywhere with the Kiddo. And yet, if he wants and can meet me this weekend, I won’t say no. And I told Leonardo about that, and I certainly don’t feel guilty since his admission came a little bit sudden and late. I had already decided that we would never again be intimate, and I was quite adamant about it. I’m not in love, you see…

Which means that this guy, sometimes in the future, will suffer terribly. Because I will let him fall in love completely, for a relationship that I know will never go anywhere. I won’t be able to love him back, I know that. And I certainly don’t want an icicle for a boyfriend. For once, I can truly say, I would prefer my porno CDs. It will definitely be more enjoyable.

He wants to learn, at 43. He wants to learn to appreciate sex, something I am quite convinced that is now beyond his reach. He wants to have his first French kiss ever with me, and somehow I feel it will actually disgust him.

Am I willing to do that? To teach him to actually enjoy something that seems to go against his nature? I tell you, I thought he was either straight or that my overweight problem was just too much for him. I thought he would meet the right guy and all his blockage would end. I’m not so sure anymore.

At the very least, after all that he said tonight, I can expect him to actually move a mussel next time he sleeps in my bed. I might even hope that he will take me in his arms. Can I now hope that he will actually enjoy it? God knows.

Can we fall in love with someone, and yet, not desire them sexually? Is he repeating the same pattern that he did with his only true love with that first girlfriend he had? He wanted so much to love her, to enjoy sex with her, and of course it never came true since he was gay. Now I feel that after 43 years, he is so screwed up, that there will be no difference between me and her.

I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I don’t feel like it. I want to enjoy sex. That is anyway the only reason why I am not faithful at the moment whilst I am in Los Angeles. That my sex life with my boyfriend has become inexistent over the years.

Sex with Leonardo is worse than being inexistent, it is a traumatizing experience. Of being told that a dick on him puts him off. And dear me, I have not even tried to French kiss him yet. And he speaks of that simple kiss on the lips I gave him as some sort of milestone in his life. Please, give me a break!

Well, he did say that in his mind, on that level, he was just like a kid. Perhaps this is the secret of writing great film scripts. Perhaps this is all the innocence you need to describe what love is, in a way that none of us, normal people, could ever understand. Maybe we skipped that step altogether, or it happened for one long second when we were 18, and now it is completely forgotten. I certainly have no clue myself about what love is. For that matter, I’m not sure if I am still capable of feeling anything.

I don’t want to think about the consequences of what he has admitted tonight. I just understand that for him, it was the hardest thing he ever did in his entire life. I’ve got to be sensible about this, I’ve got to be careful not to hurt him.

I can’t believe that all this time I thought he was trying to spare me, that he was trying to not hurt me and my feelings, and that is why I thought he went that far. But perhaps it was his initial idea, and then he got caught at his own game. One hour of intense observation was all that he needed to change his mind about me. And suddenly, the world he lives in, has changed. Love, real love, got into the equation. And now, probably, he is even more screwed up than he ever was.

Poor him. And I do feel bad about this. I do not wish to be part of someone else suffering. I do not want to be the object of such attention when it is not reciprocated and especially with someone that I had surmised as completely out of order when it comes to the matter of love and sex.

God knows where this will end. What will happen next. What I will be thinking and saying here after the weekend. And actually, this frightens me.

Funny enough, when I told my mother that I had met this guy in Los Angeles, and that we would be working on a film script, the first question she asked me was: is he gay, is there anyway you two could fall in love? And when I said no, she was disappointed.

She said it would have been nice for me to find love and some sort of secure relationship here in L.A. When I reminded her that I did not need that, that I had my boyfriend in London, a relationship of 10 years, it did not seem to have any effect on her. Another mystery of life…