Kiddo Blog in L.A. 19

Two days ago Leonardo told me of a dream he had, about going to that kid’s house whom he had sex with and which has turned into a nightmare for him. He dreamt that he went there because he was invited by the kid, but that the father’s kid was there instead. And then the kid came home with a friend, almost creeping in whilst Leonardo was talking about the song he wrote about their relationship in the past. Leonardo said that he did not think the dream meant anything because he did not feel the usual twitching when he woke up, and that it did not seem to be like his other lucid dreams.

This morning he calls me to let me know that yesterday (last night) his dream came true. He went to these people and everything happened just has he dreamt it. Something important must have happened last night, and in the dream he woke up just as the kid arrived. He will tell me all about it later today when we go and meet his other dying best friend, a woman fighting for her life.

Is he lying to me? Is it just that he had sex with that kid again and the only way he could prepare me for it was to tell me he dreamt about it the day before, and in fact, he met that kid two days ago instead of last night? What would be the point of lying about that? To make it more legitimate, part of destiny, that he could not fight against it?

Let’s assume it is true. What was the significance of the dream then? To prepare him? Or was it so emotionally charged and filled with some sort of weird energy, that it crossed into his dreams a few days before? And the dream was useless after all? He could have decided last night to not go there in the first place, he had the dream before. Does it mean that he had no choice but to go, or else the dream would have never happened in the first place? These are all interesting questions.

If after the dream he had decided not to go, then he would have gone back in a time loop in his life and he would never had the dream before. Even though he would have had it, in a different timeline or fluctuating reality where past, present and future mix altogether to become meaningless. Perhaps he can learn to change his life for the better, instead of just walking right through the warnings that he appears to be sending himself in the past.

However I have not heard the story yet, and perhaps something positive will come out of all of this. If he had sex with the kid, it would make it easier for me to tell him that I do not wish to pursue a relationship with him, just friendship. Because this is how I feel like at the moment, but since I don’t know about if my feelings could change in the future, it is difficult to admit to him at this time. He sleeps here tonight, so maybe tomorrow I will feel different. We’ll see.

I just came back from a whole day with Leonardo. I met his friend. We did the usual tour of the canyons around here and a few towns, and Los Angeles.

I was in a weird mood all day. I could have shot myself in the head instead of doing anything today. My deep existential crisis mode came back and lasted the whole day, on the kind of scale I was suffering when I returned to Canada after London, and I simply could not stand it. I was simply depressed and could no longer understand why I was alive and what this whole world we live in meant.

I call this my moments of awareness. And when it happens, I feel I have let myself be blind for quite a while, especially if it has been sometime since I last felt like that. The feeling that there is something wrong with the universe we live in, that it is all a lie, and that there is something else behind all the smoke that we cannot see. Life is just a game that I just do not want to play. And I am nowhere near knowing anything about what is, what I could call the real world, for a lack of a better word.

Funny enough, it might be this film script that we are working on that brought that crisis. Leonardo’s structure of the universe, which by the way goes much further than our own universe, and the idea that I am not allowed to discuss here, might have made me feel that we are much more insignificant that I first realized. And that anything we could ever accomplished in life is completely meaningless and a waste of time.

I can’t believe that yesterday I spent hours working on my business plan to start my own business, that I was all excited at the idea of finally get rid of the boss and making money. And today I fall flat on my face, becoming all philosophical and all, and wondering why I am alive and if it would make any difference at all if I were to die tonight. That’s quite a shift in my thinking, I tell you.

And what is it that prompted all that? I don’t know. Is it that Leonardo met his own kiddo last night, the one he was promising himself he would always stand clear from because he was too dangerous? It had quite an impact on me, I have to say. He was in love with that kid, he obviously still is, it has been less than six months since this whole sexual thing happened between them.

At the same time, I don’t think I could ever love Leonardo, and the thought of sleeping with him again, and that he would sleep here tonight, is perhaps what freaked me out all day. I was going to tell him that I did not want sex tonight, I did not want to try, because I think our first two times together really sort of traumatized me in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.

So I forced myself to tell him that he was probably right to go and see his kiddo last night. And now I simply don’t care what he does. He was still talking about “when we will live together in our house”, and that we would invite friends and he will cook for them, etc. Well, I say that he is either not a psychic medium, or today was just a weird day and eventually I will end up in his arms for many years to come. Something he might have seen already and he is not telling me.

In fact, today, going around the mountains in Malibu was about that. Finding that house he says I will eventually live in that he saw in his dreams. He could recognize the two houses he saw, if he could see them now. So we went around the area he felt it was in, but we did not find the houses.

Funny that we were trying to find out about a vision he had about my future here in the mountains, when today I virtually made my decision that I don’t like it here, I don’t want to live here. And if I have to sacrifice a promising career in Hollywood by going back to London, I thought that this is exactly what I will have to do.

I don’t think anymore that if my baby in London was here with me, everything would be fine. It is not only him that I am in love with, it is the life we have led for the last ten years in all these towns in England. It is also Europe that I am in love with, because I include France and Germany in all of this. After living there for 11 years, nothing can compare with it. Not even the wonderful canyons and mountains of Los Angeles, packed with all these great houses owned by the greatest stars, writers and producers the world has ever seen. I did an overdose of that today, I’m not impressed. I am only starting to recover now, since I came back to my familiar little room in Woodland Hills.

Of course, the worst thing is that this little trip around here, despite the fact that I was mostly not in the mood, will probably still have a great and positive impact on me, becoming more familiar with Los Angeles, and will make it harder for me to leave. I know that.

I recognize places now, we follow the same roads, it is becoming familiar to me. We followed the whole Mulholland Drive, or whatever it’s called, through the mountains, and this should have been the most exciting thing ever for me. Instead I could only think about how lost I was, and could only remember that I am working on a conference happening in Salt Lake City in Utah, such an alien concept to me. Too much exotism that I could bear at the moment, when all I wanted was to barricade myself between my four walls.

The truth is that I did not want to spend the day with Leonardo today. I did not want to meet his dying friend which looked exactly like my grand mother who died a few years ago. I did not want to be in that million dollar house overseeing Calabasas in such a view, that people would kill to live there.

I wanted to jump in the car with my Stephen, and go somewhere in England to drive somewhere. Visit Yorkshire or something. Go to Earl’s Court to a concert, or Brixton, anything. I wanted my life back, see my cats, kiss them, sleeping with them all night long in my arms, as I have been doing for years. That’s what I wanted. And leave behind Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, and that office and conference job I can’t stand. That white building with a few palm trees in the car park. That run I do four times a day with my bicycle to go there and back to my flat.

I think I have reached my quota of being here, it has barely been three months. And it will be another three before I can leave. God knows what can happen in three months, but so far not much has happened, and so I can guess that not much will happen in the next three months. However three months is not really giving it a chance, and six is certainly long enough for something to develop. So I should not jump to any conclusion.

It does not help either that everyone I speak with has been betrayed by most of their best friends, and that people here don’t appear to be nice at all. They all live in this weird state of paranoia, they cannot trust anyone. Well, Leonardo at least, and I just hope that his experience is unique in these matters. I don’t particularly feel the need to meet his friends’ actors and writers at any rate now.

And his love affair that turned sour with that kid simply disgusts me. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t want his deep psychological problems to become mine. They also smoke hashish last night like crazy, and the kiddo gave him some. And today Leonardo felt the need to smoke it twice today in front of me in his truck. And I really did not like it.

My boyfriend in London might be on Heroine, at least I never had to look at him injecting it or smoking it. I never knew about it. That’s another thing I will have to tell him that I don’t want him to do in my presence. And I feel bad about it, because from his point of view it would be like telling him to not smoke cigarettes in my presence.

And I don’t think he told me all the truth about his meeting yesterday. Maybe they had coke, maybe they had sex, maybe god knows what else happened. And it is just a bit too much to be worried about that, when I don’t even like the guy that way. He has become too important in my life, he kind of imposed himself and stole all of my time.

We either speak on the phone for hours or we meet for days. That’s just too much. I want to get back to normal. I want to distance myself from him. I want my life back, even the one I had in Los Angeles before he came into my life. If he can feel any of what I feel right now with his psychic powers, I bet he will have horrible nightmares tonight. Let him call me and ask me if somehow I am not being fair to him. I will tell him all.

His friend that I met today, she said that I was very good looking. I thought he was telling her everything, but she did not know who the kiddo was. I realized I made a mistake there by telling her that Leonardo met him last night. When I asked Leonardo what his other two best friends would say about him seeing the kiddo, he said that he would not tell them about his meeting last night. When I enquired about why, he freaked out and I understood that I went too far in my personal questions. That he was getting annoyed that, for once, he was not the one wanting to speak about the kid, but I was the instigator of the subject. He was annoyed and said that he was not supposed to answer the phone, and that the kiddo insisted three times that he should come over, and he did in the end.

He also said that he would not tell his two other young friends because they would tell him it was a mistake. They have a tendency to tell him what to do and what not to do. And he did not like it. Finally I got something out of him, he was no longer mister nice. He is a human being after all. And I also understood that he tells me much more than he tells any of his other “best friends”.

Let’s talk about those two other young guys with whom he developed an excellent friendship over the years. One is filthy rich via his parents, the other is totally poor and has issues with a terrible family. They are both in their early 20s, are both good looking, and never had, apparently, a real girlfriend before. It sounds to me that they are both gay.

However a lot of the porn of the poor one is composed of women, and the rich one had his first girlfriend ever six months ago, and it will finish next week when she goes back to her weird country. Sounds to me that they are both gay, in the closet, secretly love Leonardo, but since they all have the same psychological problem in accepting their “disorder” as him, none of them are capable to make a move.

No wonder they all want to meet me badly, since they’ve heard so much about me, and how great I am, and how a miracle I have been in Leonardo’s life, even though I feel I have not done anything to deserve any of this. And I feel terrible because eventually I will have to tell Leonardo that I don’t want to develop a relationship with him, and it will hurt him.

At the same time, I think he can happily live with a simple friendship, since sex wise he his blocked in his mind anyway. The thought of having sex seems to repulse him as much as he appears to want it, as he asked to sleep here tonight and I had to tell him that I was in full existential crisis mode and would prefer some solitude to write instead.

Again, his deep psychosis is rapidly becoming mine. And I don’t need that shite right now in my life, not when I already have my boyfriend that I love dearly waiting for me in London. The only thing that is preventing me to call him right now is my last phone bill of $330. And I thought telecommunication in this world was getting better and cheaper, with so much capacity and all, and that the deregulation was going to bring prices down, I almost had a heart attack! It is $100 per hour, simple. Bring me Internet Telephony as quickly as you can, I’ll get rid of my normal land line at the first opportunity. To think that I organized the first conferences on the subject 10 years ago, and that it is still not here now, is a sign of times. The human race is not going anywhere any time soon.