Kiddo Blog in L.A. 21
Just two beers and I am already feeling drunk and sick. So in order to enjoy my third one, I have decided to write and to plug myself into Depeche Mode’s music. I already feel much better, and ready to drink a few more beers.
Let’s talk about work, nothing happened there today, enough said about that. Let’s talk about Leonardo, he appears to have disappeared from the face of the Earth these last two days. I will admit that I would have liked to hear his voice, even if I don’t feel anything for him. And am I glad that I don’t feel anything for him. It is clear that where he was, was with his 22 year old kiddo who has been calling him non-stop for days now.
Ordinarily this would have sent me into a spin, thank god I don’t care. I have my baby in London. And I remind him all the time now, I am preparing him for the day I will tell him that nothing intimate will develop between us. Which is sad in a way, I can fall in love so easily, but I guess a red headed guy just does not do it for me. And ultimately this might be what will save our friendship and working relationship.
I find it weird that when he was talking about his kiddo, I thought this was all in the past. And suddenly he resurfaced, Leonardo answered the phone, and instantly flew over there. Is it just the drug that gets him there? Free marihuana? Leonardo is desperately poor at the moment, and yet, very much dependent on his drug. With the rich kiddo, they get stoned, Leonardo leaves with 20 dollars worth of stuff.
Well, it could also be that Leonardo is planning to write a book about that Kiddo one day. So he is gathering more info, who knows. The last possibility is that he is still in love, and secretly desires sex, the perk of friendship as the Kiddo calls it. The weird thing is that it is obvious the Kiddo is straight, yet, he was so abused sexually, that it seems that it is the only way he can get whatever he wants from anyone. Or else he has such a strong libido, and sex is so normal to him, that whether it is a man or a woman sucking his dick, does not make much difference. I don’t know.
All I know is that he has my Leonardo under his spell again. And whatever Leo is inventing to justify the why he goes back to the kiddo, it sounds like a lot of bullshit. He is badly in love and desires sex with the young god. And he will get it. And he will suffer again.
He was already so obsessed with that kid, now it is going to take huge proportions. And I am getting tired of hearing about that semi-god who has a bestseller book written after him, and a fucking big blockbuster of a movie coming in less than three months. Kill him, that’s what I say.
And I am not jealous. Imagine what it would be if I were, if I was already in love with the Leonardo. It would be unsustainable, I would have left for England instantly, no matter the bills that would ensue for my contract for the rent. And since my employers can kick me out at a minute’s notice, I can also do the same.
Leonardo is lost. He is restarting his bad relationship with the Kiddo who, sometime ago was threatening to sue him in justice for sex with a minor. He declared himself a jail bait. And yet, Leonardo is running to him again. Ready for more crap from this, as he says all the time, a manipulator.
Well, I was talking before about four dimensional people, people with a past, the fourth dimension being time. Well, now I can talk about a full 10 dimensional Leonardo. His past has caught up with him, he is again walking in the wolf’s mouth.
You would have thought I would have done everything in my power to prevent it, and if love had been part of the equation, you could rest assure that I would have done so. However he would have just not told me anything about it, and still walk the dark path. And anyway, what do I care what he does with his life? I have known him less than three months, he had a life before me. Let him learn from his mistakes. It is obvious that despite of being aware of the dangers, he walks freely towards it, and he would under any circumstances, whatever I could say to prevent it.
I bet you by now he has experienced again the Friend with Benefits thingy. I’m sure they had sex. Maybe it will unfreeze Leonardo, make him understand a few things. Because my trauma with him has certainly been that he has been a block of ice in bed, and freaked out when my dick was on him. God, how many years would be needed to make him accept is homosexuality now? Never, most probably. Unless the Kiddo, his only love and sexual object ever, changes all that. Good luck then, I have other things to concentrate on. I don’t need that bullshit to make my life more complicated than it already is. No Green Monster, no jealousy, be happy with your life.
Usually this is where I would do a comeback on myself and admit that it bothers me terribly. That I want my Leonardo, and that this damn kiddo is taking him away from me. But not this time, I don’t feel like it, I don’t really care.
Tonight I celebrate my independence! Not only from Leonardo, but from Stephen as well. If I am destined to greatness, it is neither of them that will get me there. Only me can achieve that. I don’t need anyone else, and especially, I don’t need to depend on the friends of my friends to get there. Seems to me to be the best way to never go anywhere.
So I don’t care for Leonardo’s friends that I will never meet. The day I will meet them, is the day I will be able to do something for them, and that day, I will let them down badly. Because I have other ideas, a perfect idea of perfection, and I’m afraid to say, it does not include them. I don’t mind how great they are, what they could do for me, I will get there anyway by my own means, by my own intelligence, my own creativity. It will explode, no doubt, never mind if this is only to happen in 10 or 20 years.
I have waited 15 years before getting published. I can wait before exploding all over Hollywood. The concept is so ridiculous anyway, it sounds very much like the dreams of a child. Somehow being here gives it more credibility in the eyes of my parents, but I would have expected them to freak out and laugh out loud if I had not been here, not done what I have already done, and telling them that I am going to Hollywood. Sounds like: I’m going to Disney Land!
Maybe nothing will happen while I’m here. Perhaps I will just go back to London and forget it all. I will be able to say in a few years time: oh yes, I was there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it all. Big deal. My success might never happen via Hollywood. Even if my trade is science-fiction, and who else on the planet has the money to invest in such projects but Hollywood? It does not make sense at all that I would be here for no reason, for nothing to happen in the end. I know that, so I know I’m talking bollocks here.
I imagined that to be much easier. Sucking a few dicks, actually enjoying it (that’s the difference here), and get all my projects produced. Simple! It does not work like that, unfortunately. It could, with the father of the kiddo, he is gay after all, and quite old, and quite successful. But I’ll never meet him, even Leonardo can’t stand the idea of seeing him again. And the son would want to get in the way, he would want to have sex with me just to stop it all. But it would not work. It has been a long time since kiddos had any effect on me.
I don’t want to have sex with someone who does not desire me in the first place. As with Leonardo, it is like having a penis on me, it turns me off. Blackmail would not work either on me, I have nothing to hide, I am pure and innocent, and if someone wants to sue me, let them, I will win every time. I have nothing to lose, since I have nothing to begin with.
But I don’t care much for that complicated scenario. Great ideas are great ideas, they go somewhere, even if it is only in cyberspace. And that’s enough for me anyway. My million plus visitors, is fine by me. Even if I don’t make any money out of it. Being greedy, brings our own destruction. Let it all come out in the open! Let my mind come out! You’ll see how far we can go.
So, I still believe I have a great destiny ahead of me. Funny, especially that despite the fact that I am in Los Angeles, nothing hints at this idea. In fact, everything points out to the biggest failure of all, never going anywhere anytime soon, complete delusion. That’s ok, I lived with that all my life, I can die with my illusions.
Anyway, I have already written a book about my stay in Los Angeles. And instead of taking a year, as it usually takes, I did that in three months. Perhaps this is my legacy.
Even if I haven’t met anyone, did not even get close. Who cares? As I said before, it is the idea, the concept of it that counts. Not what happens once you’re there, not whatever I could write about it.
I am so cynical. I don’t want any label. I don’t want to be a successful writer and be stuck writing boring TV series that I care nothing about. With my big house in the hills, and the big car that costs more than whatever people make in one year. I don’t want that lifestyle. It is too common.
I am the Marginal, I want something more, something better, something that not everyone has already gone through. God, at that point, better disconnect me from reality and plug me into a machine recreating a virtual reality. Anything else but whatever else people have already gone through. I think I still need to go to China or something. And write about it. I don’t know. Maybe I just need to die, it would be so much simpler.
Yes it would.
It does not appear like I will be able to live that Marginal life, that interesting life, I can’t even conceptualize it. I’m so disconnected right now. That’s the alcohol for you. When I think I am reaching the real me, achieving real awareness of my situation. Am I too deep for you? Bastards? I don’t care about you.
Leonardo just called, and lied. Did not take long. He said he did not see his kiddo, I don’t believe it. He saw instead Isabella, the girl who has been after him since they have met recently in a bar. God knows, she may also be a danger to our relationship, perhaps he is still willing to try a girl, since he is so blocked on his gayness.
I would not mind to be in his arms again, see where it could lead. Even if less than an hour ago it was completely unthinkable. Maybe it is the alcohol talking. And maybe the alcohol will be talking this weekend once he is here again and I am drunk. I am getting so desperate for affection, even a red headed guy would do.
It would be different now. It would not be casual sex. It would mean something. It would be weird. It would have a lasting effect. If I could get him to suck my dick now, it would give me a weird sensation, a weird pleasure, because it would not come from a stranger, but from him. We have got closer in the last few months, very close. And this is not infatuation, like it was with the Kiddo.
The truth is, I have no idea what is ahead of me. I’m willing to explore, I do not shut myself down. I am not planning my way out to London. I am going to live what it is that I was supposed to live.
Let’s talk about work, nothing happened there today, enough said about that. Let’s talk about Leonardo, he appears to have disappeared from the face of the Earth these last two days. I will admit that I would have liked to hear his voice, even if I don’t feel anything for him. And am I glad that I don’t feel anything for him. It is clear that where he was, was with his 22 year old kiddo who has been calling him non-stop for days now.
Ordinarily this would have sent me into a spin, thank god I don’t care. I have my baby in London. And I remind him all the time now, I am preparing him for the day I will tell him that nothing intimate will develop between us. Which is sad in a way, I can fall in love so easily, but I guess a red headed guy just does not do it for me. And ultimately this might be what will save our friendship and working relationship.
I find it weird that when he was talking about his kiddo, I thought this was all in the past. And suddenly he resurfaced, Leonardo answered the phone, and instantly flew over there. Is it just the drug that gets him there? Free marihuana? Leonardo is desperately poor at the moment, and yet, very much dependent on his drug. With the rich kiddo, they get stoned, Leonardo leaves with 20 dollars worth of stuff.
Well, it could also be that Leonardo is planning to write a book about that Kiddo one day. So he is gathering more info, who knows. The last possibility is that he is still in love, and secretly desires sex, the perk of friendship as the Kiddo calls it. The weird thing is that it is obvious the Kiddo is straight, yet, he was so abused sexually, that it seems that it is the only way he can get whatever he wants from anyone. Or else he has such a strong libido, and sex is so normal to him, that whether it is a man or a woman sucking his dick, does not make much difference. I don’t know.
All I know is that he has my Leonardo under his spell again. And whatever Leo is inventing to justify the why he goes back to the kiddo, it sounds like a lot of bullshit. He is badly in love and desires sex with the young god. And he will get it. And he will suffer again.
He was already so obsessed with that kid, now it is going to take huge proportions. And I am getting tired of hearing about that semi-god who has a bestseller book written after him, and a fucking big blockbuster of a movie coming in less than three months. Kill him, that’s what I say.
And I am not jealous. Imagine what it would be if I were, if I was already in love with the Leonardo. It would be unsustainable, I would have left for England instantly, no matter the bills that would ensue for my contract for the rent. And since my employers can kick me out at a minute’s notice, I can also do the same.
Leonardo is lost. He is restarting his bad relationship with the Kiddo who, sometime ago was threatening to sue him in justice for sex with a minor. He declared himself a jail bait. And yet, Leonardo is running to him again. Ready for more crap from this, as he says all the time, a manipulator.
Well, I was talking before about four dimensional people, people with a past, the fourth dimension being time. Well, now I can talk about a full 10 dimensional Leonardo. His past has caught up with him, he is again walking in the wolf’s mouth.
You would have thought I would have done everything in my power to prevent it, and if love had been part of the equation, you could rest assure that I would have done so. However he would have just not told me anything about it, and still walk the dark path. And anyway, what do I care what he does with his life? I have known him less than three months, he had a life before me. Let him learn from his mistakes. It is obvious that despite of being aware of the dangers, he walks freely towards it, and he would under any circumstances, whatever I could say to prevent it.
I bet you by now he has experienced again the Friend with Benefits thingy. I’m sure they had sex. Maybe it will unfreeze Leonardo, make him understand a few things. Because my trauma with him has certainly been that he has been a block of ice in bed, and freaked out when my dick was on him. God, how many years would be needed to make him accept is homosexuality now? Never, most probably. Unless the Kiddo, his only love and sexual object ever, changes all that. Good luck then, I have other things to concentrate on. I don’t need that bullshit to make my life more complicated than it already is. No Green Monster, no jealousy, be happy with your life.
Usually this is where I would do a comeback on myself and admit that it bothers me terribly. That I want my Leonardo, and that this damn kiddo is taking him away from me. But not this time, I don’t feel like it, I don’t really care.
Tonight I celebrate my independence! Not only from Leonardo, but from Stephen as well. If I am destined to greatness, it is neither of them that will get me there. Only me can achieve that. I don’t need anyone else, and especially, I don’t need to depend on the friends of my friends to get there. Seems to me to be the best way to never go anywhere.
So I don’t care for Leonardo’s friends that I will never meet. The day I will meet them, is the day I will be able to do something for them, and that day, I will let them down badly. Because I have other ideas, a perfect idea of perfection, and I’m afraid to say, it does not include them. I don’t mind how great they are, what they could do for me, I will get there anyway by my own means, by my own intelligence, my own creativity. It will explode, no doubt, never mind if this is only to happen in 10 or 20 years.
I have waited 15 years before getting published. I can wait before exploding all over Hollywood. The concept is so ridiculous anyway, it sounds very much like the dreams of a child. Somehow being here gives it more credibility in the eyes of my parents, but I would have expected them to freak out and laugh out loud if I had not been here, not done what I have already done, and telling them that I am going to Hollywood. Sounds like: I’m going to Disney Land!
Maybe nothing will happen while I’m here. Perhaps I will just go back to London and forget it all. I will be able to say in a few years time: oh yes, I was there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it all. Big deal. My success might never happen via Hollywood. Even if my trade is science-fiction, and who else on the planet has the money to invest in such projects but Hollywood? It does not make sense at all that I would be here for no reason, for nothing to happen in the end. I know that, so I know I’m talking bollocks here.
I imagined that to be much easier. Sucking a few dicks, actually enjoying it (that’s the difference here), and get all my projects produced. Simple! It does not work like that, unfortunately. It could, with the father of the kiddo, he is gay after all, and quite old, and quite successful. But I’ll never meet him, even Leonardo can’t stand the idea of seeing him again. And the son would want to get in the way, he would want to have sex with me just to stop it all. But it would not work. It has been a long time since kiddos had any effect on me.
I don’t want to have sex with someone who does not desire me in the first place. As with Leonardo, it is like having a penis on me, it turns me off. Blackmail would not work either on me, I have nothing to hide, I am pure and innocent, and if someone wants to sue me, let them, I will win every time. I have nothing to lose, since I have nothing to begin with.
But I don’t care much for that complicated scenario. Great ideas are great ideas, they go somewhere, even if it is only in cyberspace. And that’s enough for me anyway. My million plus visitors, is fine by me. Even if I don’t make any money out of it. Being greedy, brings our own destruction. Let it all come out in the open! Let my mind come out! You’ll see how far we can go.
So, I still believe I have a great destiny ahead of me. Funny, especially that despite the fact that I am in Los Angeles, nothing hints at this idea. In fact, everything points out to the biggest failure of all, never going anywhere anytime soon, complete delusion. That’s ok, I lived with that all my life, I can die with my illusions.
Anyway, I have already written a book about my stay in Los Angeles. And instead of taking a year, as it usually takes, I did that in three months. Perhaps this is my legacy.
Even if I haven’t met anyone, did not even get close. Who cares? As I said before, it is the idea, the concept of it that counts. Not what happens once you’re there, not whatever I could write about it.
I am so cynical. I don’t want any label. I don’t want to be a successful writer and be stuck writing boring TV series that I care nothing about. With my big house in the hills, and the big car that costs more than whatever people make in one year. I don’t want that lifestyle. It is too common.
I am the Marginal, I want something more, something better, something that not everyone has already gone through. God, at that point, better disconnect me from reality and plug me into a machine recreating a virtual reality. Anything else but whatever else people have already gone through. I think I still need to go to China or something. And write about it. I don’t know. Maybe I just need to die, it would be so much simpler.
Yes it would.
It does not appear like I will be able to live that Marginal life, that interesting life, I can’t even conceptualize it. I’m so disconnected right now. That’s the alcohol for you. When I think I am reaching the real me, achieving real awareness of my situation. Am I too deep for you? Bastards? I don’t care about you.
Leonardo just called, and lied. Did not take long. He said he did not see his kiddo, I don’t believe it. He saw instead Isabella, the girl who has been after him since they have met recently in a bar. God knows, she may also be a danger to our relationship, perhaps he is still willing to try a girl, since he is so blocked on his gayness.
I would not mind to be in his arms again, see where it could lead. Even if less than an hour ago it was completely unthinkable. Maybe it is the alcohol talking. And maybe the alcohol will be talking this weekend once he is here again and I am drunk. I am getting so desperate for affection, even a red headed guy would do.
It would be different now. It would not be casual sex. It would mean something. It would be weird. It would have a lasting effect. If I could get him to suck my dick now, it would give me a weird sensation, a weird pleasure, because it would not come from a stranger, but from him. We have got closer in the last few months, very close. And this is not infatuation, like it was with the Kiddo.
The truth is, I have no idea what is ahead of me. I’m willing to explore, I do not shut myself down. I am not planning my way out to London. I am going to live what it is that I was supposed to live.
posted by Mycroft Holmes @ 12:31 PM
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